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7 Bumps

Is it cheating?

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 kids. A few months ago he started a facebook account and started to find lots of old friends, along with a few ex-girlfriends. Not really that big of a deal to me but then there was this one girl who he really cared about before we were together, she had strong feelings for him too but she hadn't been ready for a serious relationship. He still had feelings for her but he moved on, he met me and we got married. Now that girl sent him a friend request and he accepted. Not that big of a deal yet. We are usually very open with each other about things so he let me read the messages that were sent between them. I got kind of upset with a few things that were said that seemed too flirty or suggestive. At that point he said he would take her off his facebook if it bothered me that much. While I was uncomfortable with it I didn't want to tell him who he could or couldn't have as a friend although I did tell him I don't think I could handle any other sort of communication between them. So about 2 weeks ago she sent him her phone number and he told me he had no intention of calling her and I believed him. Then I noticed that there really weren't too many facebook messages anymore and I asked him if he had heard from her he said no. I was feeling really uneasy and suspicious so since his cell phone is in my name I checked the phone records, I know it's kind of sneaky but I needed to know. I found 8 phone calls and 105 text messages over a 2 day period. When I confronted him about it he got defensive, not because I checked but because he got caught, he said he didn't tell me about it because he didn't want me to be upset. I asked him what they talked about and he said nothing important, and said he didn't see the difference between that and facebook. After a while I couldn't talk to him anymore so I walked away to go calm down. When I came back he said he sent her a message saying that he couldn't talk to her anymore and removed her from his friends list then she sent a rather vindictive message back. In her message she mention things that he had told her and it wasn't "nothing important" it was extremely private and personal. She ended the message by saying "The truth is, if you two didn't have kids, you wouldn't be together...thats what you said. That must be some fucked up marriage! Have a great miserable life together, and don't ever contact me again. I've been hurt by you too many times now."
I feel betrayed and I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know if I can trust him when he tells me how sorry he is, that he loves me and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. He said he never saw her and therefore didn't do anything with her, which I do believe because he was at work or with me during all this time. But I don't know if I should believe that he had no intention of ever seeing her. It's been 2 days since I confronted him and he seems to think I should be over it by now but I can't there are just too many things going through my head. He keeps saying "I don't know what else I can do, I can't undo it, and I won't ever talk to her again or anyone else you don't feel comfortable with me talking to." I guess I am posting this because I just need to hear what other people think of all of this but I really don't want to publicize it to my friends or family.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:12 PM on Dec. 30, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (26)
  • I would talk to him about the stuff he told he that was private. See if he keeps he's word about not speaking with her anymore
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 4:23 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Only you know if you feel that this is cheating or not. No one else can answer that for you.

    Now, speaking for myself and my marriage.. Yes this would be cheating and I would be filing for divorce immediately and putting my post-nup into play.

    You must decide what you want to do. Try and work this out or not. If your husband was telling another woman that he is unhappy in his marriage, etc...etc.. Then there is a highly probable chance, that in some ways (either perceived or reality) he is not happy. In most cases (not all) when a spouse starts reaching out to another person in the manner in which he is, it is due to : being unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with either THEMSELVES &/ or their marriage. That's the crux of the issue that must be addressed if you choose to reconcile. Why he felt the need to reach out to another woman in this manner, and what BOTH of you need to do in order to work out those reasons/issues.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 4:23 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • well 105 text messages in 2 days is a whole lot, he said they didnt talk about much but that's hard to believe. from the message she sent him about his marriage,kids etc;; it seems that he was telling her his (and your) private business that goes on in your marriage. i would not call it cheating but it is betrayal imo. he should not have told her all this private stuff, instead he should have talked to u. sorry to say but he sounds unhappy in the marriage because he told her he would not be with u if it wasn't for the kids....that right there would hurt me.
    maya123

    Answer by maya123 at 4:26 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I would count that as cheating for sure.
    Collegemommy910

    Answer by Collegemommy910 at 4:27 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • Emotional affair
    tnmomofive

    Answer by tnmomofive at 4:29 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • – collapse
    So, your husband is cheating because it is someone else's opinion that the only reason he's married is because he has two kids?

    And, while we're there --why is having 2 kids NOT sufficient reason to stay married?
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 4:29 PM on Dec. 30, 2010 (hidden) + expand

  • honestly I don't know for sure if he "cheated" but I think he betrayed you and crossed the boundary lines. This isn't something for YOU to get over this is something that needs to be addressed. Why did he go outside of your marriage to find "friendship" in the manner that he did. He was sneaking around lying about it and talking about way too personal of things with another woman who he obviously had feelings for int he past that got drudged back up. I think that because of his actions the first thing he should do is shut down his FB account and perhaps remove texting from his phone plan. He crossed lines and needs to prove to you that he is committed to you and only you and having those things is only going to create more suspicion.
    AshleyBishop06

    Answer by AshleyBishop06 at 4:31 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • by the sounds of it, they could have been starting an emotional relationship. So yes, I would classify that as cheating. Obviously, it's happened and that's about it. I don't blame you at all for feeling betrayed. But this calls for some serious discussion between you too. Possibly some counseling as well, because he seems really unhappy and the fact that he's not talking with you. That's a serious issue. I hope you two figure out what to do from here. Good luck.
    wolverinemama

    Answer by wolverinemama at 4:35 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I had a similar issue with my husband a while back. We are still together but I check everything! EVERYTHING! I am much better at finding than he is at deleting and hiding things. We are young and he admitted that he had a lot of maturing to do both as an adult and a husband. I am ok if he wants to talk to the guys about things, if he really feels the need, but there is NO woman ever that he should be dicussing our marriage with. and I feel the same about myself and other men. You have to work on this yourselves in your own way but for us, it isn't brought up, I do randomly check his stuff every now and then but he also does mine. He knows that if I catch it happening again I am done. I love my family and my husband but there is a point where enough is enough, you just have to figure out what that point is.  I hope you are able to work things out, i know its awful.

    coreym

    Answer by coreym at 4:39 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

  • I agree that married women shouldn't be discussing their personal married lives with another man.. nor a married man with another woman..it's just bad ju-ju ..sends the wrong signals..and I find it pretty disrespectful..
    tnmomofive

    Answer by tnmomofive at 4:44 PM on Dec. 30, 2010

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