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How do I help him understand?

Okay, to make a long story short:
Before I met my DH, I went to therapy for about 2 years, because of some pretty awful things I was dealing with. I found the perfect therapist and she helped me tremendously. I had to quit going because I could no longer afford it and I felt like I had worked through the things I needed to-turns out there was more. Now, we have been married for a little over 2 years, and thing have been rough, to say the least. I want to go back to seeing my therapist, and she has agreed to give me an unbelievable rate, practically nothing really...but my DH thinks it's wrong of me to want to go talk to her instead of him! Mind you, he has some pretty major control/jealousy issues. Those being one of the many things I need to talk with her about. We have had some MAJOR issues in our short marriage, and have been teetering on the brink of divorce for a while now. He won't go to counseling, but I want to. I need to. How can I make him understand that this is not me wanting to go 'tattle on him" or "go outside our marriage"? I need help, from somewhere...

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mommyharmon

Asked by mommyharmon at 11:27 AM on Dec. 31, 2010 in Relationships

Level 7 (205 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • You have to do whats right for you and maybe when he see's how much better things are for you he will want to go to. He sounds like he needs to go for the jealousy issues? GL Momma
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • unfortunately it sounds as though he won't understand. if he has control issues, nothing that you can say to him will make him understand. I hope you can get the help you need and soon.
    yellarose

    Answer by yellarose at 11:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • I don't think you need his permission to go, and it would probably have been better had you not ever even mentioned it. I would just keep quiet about the matter for a while and then I would quietly start seeing her. If that makes you uncomfortable, there are tons of books which are very helpful in dealing with the issues you are facing. However, the first step is to stop trying to convince your husband of anything. He already feels threatened enough, and you certainly don't want to add to that.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 11:31 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Issues like control and Jealousy do not go away on there own you need to take of yourself .
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 11:33 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • NannyB, thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think that is possible. Please don't bash me when I say this...due to his control issues and paranoia, I'm not really able to go out by myself and do stuff. It's not like I can say "oh I'm going out and I'll be back later, love you!" I don't really go anywhere without him, except work. I tried to go to the store the otherday and it was a huge fight...I KNOW this is wrong, and we are trying to work on it, hence, the therapy. I love him very much, and it's not like he is abusive or anything. I'm just fed up I guess, and since I have no friends anymore, I have nobody to talk to except DH, and you guys :) I really miss my therapist, and I'm trying to tell him that I NEED this in order for us to work!
    mommyharmon

    Comment by mommyharmon (original poster) at 11:38 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Mommyharmon, he is abusing you. That level of control is ABUSE, plain and simple.

    WALK. Get out now. Control and mental abuse evolves to physical abuse. GET OUT. I'm dead serious. You know what you need and he's refusing it... that's the emotional equivalent of him starving you to death.

    GET OUT. Not kidding and there's no equivocation here... GET OUT TODAY.. Call 211 to get connected with resources to help you.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:57 AM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • would he go to counseling with you? For marriages sake I think you should talk to him. You should have an open relationship with him and be able to share your feelings. If he doesn't accept that then that is his problem. Most men, believing that it's the woman who has the "chemical imbalance", will refuse to go to counseling but will want their wives to get help.
    laevans

    Answer by laevans at 12:09 PM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • You make your appointment and go. I've been seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Explain to him again that this is something you need to do for yourself and your marriage. If he doesn't understand, that's his problem. That's one of the issues to discuss with your therapist first. She'll help you find the right words. His control and jealousy is a form of abuse that you should no longer put up with. If you have to do it secretly, then do it soon. Make an appointment that you could rightfrom work. If he finds out, stand up for yourself or give him an ultimatum- accept this as something you need or leave. If he won't leave, then you leave. You must have family you could go to; if not, there are all kinds of helpful agencies out there to protect you from his abuse. Good luck!
    rosiemendo

    Answer by rosiemendo at 12:54 PM on Dec. 31, 2010

  • Whether or not he "likes" therapy, you feel that you need it and feel that he isn't able to help. She's a licensed professional who knows your history and can help you without any problems. If you have to, make your appointments with her while he's at work and then discuss things after he gets home.
    _Tam_

    Answer by _Tam_ at 3:26 AM on Jan. 1, 2011

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