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Miscarriage: How did you deal with your loss?

My friend just found out today that her baby died in utero, and she had to have a D&C. I suffered a miscarriage a few years ago at the same gestation, but I can't think of anything to say to her. I really want to comfort her, but don't have the words...everything I think of sounds lame. Those of you who have experienced a miscarriage; was there something that someone said or did for you that gave you great comfort??

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brandyj

Asked by brandyj at 12:45 AM on Nov. 11, 2008 in Pregnancy

Level 21 (10,228 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • I don't think anything anyone "says" really helps. What helps is just having a shoulder to cry on, and someone who will listen to you when you are ready to talk. So many people just expect you to be quiet about your grief, or move on by their time table. The people who helped me the most were the ones who were just willing to listen, cry with me, and pray for me!
    Mishelly728

    Answer by Mishelly728 at 12:51 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I was pregnant with twins and lost one at birth... It nearly killed me! I found that just having someone to talk to and be with me helped the most... Try doing things with them like just finding some kind of craft or something to do u both like... try to avoid going out cause she might see a baby and get upset... i did alot when i saw a baby.. try talking to her about her and help her talk about it all because it helps to get it all out
    Pooky_mommy

    Answer by Pooky_mommy at 12:53 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • simple frownOnly problem is, she lives in Colorado and I live in Arizona. We met and became friends when we both lived in North Carolina... but circumstances forced us both to move.

    brandyj

    Answer by brandyj at 1:09 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Just listen to her and let her cry. I had a friend that went through something like this. Don't try to find the right words, it will just sound trite. Don't try to comfort her or "force" her to feel better. Don't tell her it will be "okay"... Listen. Let her talk. Let her cry. Let her vent. Of course, you know your friend better then I do --- can you recall anything that people said to you, or gave to you, that you think would really help her?
    Serafyna

    Answer by Serafyna at 1:11 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I think the worst thing people do is freeze up and act as if it never happened. She needs someone who isn't afraid to ask her if she wants to talk about it. Let her know you have been through it and you truly understand her loss.

    I am MamaofSeven but I lost my first baby and it devastated me completely. That would have made 8 children. But I was blessed with many children later and hopefully your friend will be too. Hugss.
    mapalmer

    Answer by mapalmer at 3:58 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Honestly it just pissed me off when people brought it up. Only because they brought it up when I wasnt thinking about it. Its best just to let them bring it up. And when people said sorry I didnt know what to say back...thank you? Or its okay? But it wasnt okay. So I just really nodded my head. Its a very hard thing to cope with.
    Marah2008

    Answer by Marah2008 at 6:33 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Sometimes not saying anything at all is the most pwerful thing. You can just hug her and let her cry and say I know its happened to me too. Share your story if you are compelled to say something. Think of ways that worked for you. BUt I think the most powerful thing anyone has done for me to ease such things is planting a tree for them in their memory to watch it grow, something monumntal like that in memorium. Then either hand her the certificate or take her to saee what her baby inspired. Either way she'll cry but she needs to let it all out. HUGS
    HALJUBOORI

    Answer by HALJUBOORI at 7:27 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • just hold her hand our in your case ear i just lost a baby and my best friend came to my house climbed on my couch not sayin one word just sat there with me bawled and listend to me scream why (which as you know nobody can tell you)and held me and some how made it eaiser its been months now and i still cry daily nobody had any mind altering words of comfort but just knowing they were there eaised my pain
    mom2maknjack

    Answer by mom2maknjack at 11:54 PM on Nov. 28, 2008

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