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Should I stay or should I go? when is enough enough?

Been w/ my hubby for 9 yrs, we r 25 & 27, have 3 kids by choice. I caught my hubby emailing & chatting w/ girls sexually on the net I was 8mo. prego with our 1st I had probs w/ pregnancy and wasn't able to have sex after 6 mo. he vows never again I left it at that not to stress & hurt the baby in the process. 4mo after she was born i was searching my computer for a file and stumbled on 100s of sexual messages, photos, the works. Since then anytime some stressful time in my life hits (death of loved one, pregnancy, illness) and I can't have sex I catch him doing this. This may seem to be no big deal to some but for us cheating in your mind is just as bad as sex.I have spoken to him several times asking him to come to me if he feels that he will cheat and give me a chance to fix it What do I do my heart still loves him but my head wants to tell him to F off! Please I need some advice anyone been there?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:46 AM on Nov. 11, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • for me, there would not have been a second time for him to do that. i can't believe you've let it go on this long! kick him to the curb, girl! any sort of sexual communication with someone other than you, even if it's not physical is still a form of cheating. if he truly loved you, he would not even THINK of talking to someone else. he should have been there for you every time you went through those tough situations. get rid of him!

    Answer by MaMaLaLa369 at 8:53 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • He is most likely addicted and can't stop on his own. Try approaching him from that angle and offer to go with him to get some help. You have three children who need their dad, so you can't just give up on him. You can also offer to get rid of the computer from your home or do anything else that will make it easier for him. There is help available, but you will have to search it out.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:56 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Only you can decide when enough is enough. Is he willing to get some therapy - is he willing to work with you at solving this? If not - then you need to decide if you can live with a husband who might take the next step the next time there is a crisis.

    Answer by lanckn at 9:00 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • He is doing that stuff because he can get away with it like so many other men. Break his nutsack a few times with a good hard swift kick or break his knuckles with a hammer while he sleeps. That crap will stop. Addiction? He wasn't addicted when you were in the house and he was on the computer. He could stop. Sound a little too much,?" justice has to be severe and swift in order to be effective". Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

    Answer by JumpingHoops at 9:00 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I have been through this myself. It seems to me that your hubby cares about satisfying himself regardless of how you feel. Be careful, some men just want to benefit themselves at the expense of women. Why should it be only your responsibility to fix the problem? He should be man enough to fix his problem and man enough to tell you about it. Just because sex is on hold for you does not mean that he has the right to cheat you. Yes this is a form of cheating and if you cannot have 100% of him then whats the point of giving him 100% of you? I have a group about this problem here on cafemom. Wish you the best!

    Answer by Momof1015 at 9:02 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • If he's only doing it when you're not able to have sex, then I don't think it's an addiction. I'm not agreeing with him doing it, but although I've had some really hard times in life emotionally, and during one of my pregnancies I had placenta previa so there was absolutely no sex allowed, but during emotional hard times, I turned to my husband for comfort and sometimes making love is a good source of comfort. I'm not telling you that it's the way you should do, everyone's different but consider it. I'm not sure how long you're not wanting to have sex, and I'm not excusing his behavior at all. My advice is to turn to him, not away from him when you're hurting.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 10:31 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I agree with lisa ann
    sometimes making love is a great release emotionally
    right now I am 4 mo pp with my 3rd and really not interested in sex either and my SO of course is. What I do is just give him a quicky every couple of days so he is satisfied and I dont have to spend alot of time and energy.
    I would suggest you talk, tell him how you feel, then (this is important) ask him how he feels. He might feel neglected. Even if he isnt, guys are more sensitive than we give them credit for.
    My ex left me when when my first was a year old b/c i forgot about his needs (emotional and physical) so I learned my lesson through that.
    By the way I would be peeved to the key is to nip it in the bud b4 things like that happen.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:48 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I think it depends. Are the sexual messages to any one specific person? Or is it just various girls that he doesn't know? It's one thing to have an emotional relationship with a person and another if it is just random girls that he doesn't know. It still would make me mad either way, but one is forgivable and the other is not.

    Answer by jacy3031 at 12:03 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Okay I am not talking about not wanting sex mostly it has been due to illness like right now I have a cervical infection and can't have sex, while prego I have to be very careful in my late stages we had sex till I was 6 mo and then I was unable I still kept him satisfied until I couldn't anymore and I don't think it is fair for it to be like that. Also when my grandmother died I was grief stricken she was like a mother too me I was 8mo pregnant handling her affairs is it really so bad at that point to not want sex for a few weeks normally I am the adventurous one so its not like I am some prude. I wouldnt say he is addicted because it only happens in high stress times. Is it really so bad to not want to have sex with a man who quite his job and is barely looking for work while he has three kids?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • this man would last 24 seconds in my house. Long enough for me to get up and slam the door

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:39 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

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