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Feeling odd about the whole adoption thing

I was adopted when i was under one to the greatest people out there. I didn't find out until i was 21 that i was adopted. Of course there were clues (like no photos except for a passport pic at age 1) and how i didn't look like them. I also know that being adopted from India i will never be able to find my birth mom. This has me very confused. I try not to think about it but since i had my first child a couple of years ago (almost four) i can't help but wonder more and more bout my birth family.

The worst is, the older i get the more i wish to know who she was. Is there a reason for it? I know i will never be able to find her but every time i see a special on tv i look at the women and wonder if any of them could have been my mom...

Will i ever be able to get over this? Do other adopted children feel this way? How do I deal with the feelings i am having?

Answer Question

Asked by ilovenikhil at 9:26 AM on Nov. 11, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (17)
  • i would love to adopt a child but i would want that information and a photo of the mother and child together and i would keep it in a frame next to there bed so they can know that there mother loved them alot and just couldnt take care. i would even like to keep in touch with the mother so if one day that is something my child would want they could met. of course that doesnt always happen. i dont know that this is something you could get over it must be hard the whys what ifs but just try to remember you have a mother who has loved you all of your life... good luck and you dont know if you cant find your mother it might be harder but it might be worth it to!

    Answer by whitenena at 9:42 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • When I was 16 I got pregnant and put my daughter up for adoption. Her brother was adopted before she was and they adopted him through China when they were still able to do that. He too does not know, nor does the family have any information about his birthmother. I am sure it must be discerning at times, but there may be resources available to you. You could try to ask your parents the agencey they went through and try that angel. I am sure to assume there must be some kind of papertrail. Just know that for whatever reason this was probably at the time the best possible life to give you. I speak from experience. Also, just pray for your Mom and search resources but try not to let it overwhelm you. I hope the best for you and your inner peace. This is not easy for either the child nor the parent! Will keep you in thought.

    Answer by NoDramaMamma at 9:46 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • As the mom to an adopted son, what you say makes me worry he will feel this way some day. I always hope and pray that we are and always will be the only parents he cares to know and love. I am the mom who was up w/ him every night and soothed him when he was sad or sick. I am the one who played pirates and dinosaurs w/ him and super heroes till I was blue in the face. Not her. I hope you remind yourself that your 'real" mom is the one who adopted you. Spend more time bonding w/ her and less time worrying about a woman you never knew.

    Answer by denise22 at 9:55 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I think your feelings are normal. Some adoptees want to know about their birth family and others don't. I don't think it is strange that you wonder. I don't know how you could do it, but I would imagine you could find info on your birth family even though they are in India. I also wanted to add a little something else in here that doesn't really pertain to your question. You said you were 21 before you "found out" you were adopted. Telling your children they are adopted is for some parents the scariest thing. I personally believe children should be told asap but for a lot of parents they love their children so much but the fear of ever losing them or being rejected often overpowers doing what we know is the right thing. I KNOW they love you with all their heart and I hope this didn't damage your relationship with them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:29 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Denise22, I do agree with some of what you say, but you sound so insecure as Amom, that is scary to me, I hope you become more secure before YOUR child comes to want to know. Ys , youwere there for all those event..good and bad...happy and sad. But you seem to have forgotten, for each day you higged his hurt away and were able to kiss him goodnight, I was out there wishing i could have been the one doing that, praying i did the right thing, and hope he was not being abused . I will forgive your insecurities, just try to have eough respect for your child...offer his FIRSTMOM, a thank you..

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:02 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • P.S. .....DENISE22, I also hope you remember those hugs and laughter,you were able to have, HAS costed a Firstmom, alot of tears and sadness. This may seem foreign to you since you were there, and we couldn't be, but it is a cost of great magnitude to a firstmom. I pray the parents who raised and hopefully loved my twin sons, are not in anyway of the same thinking you are. You may even try starting a babybook of know for ALL those times YOU were there. Your child will be able to give this to her, when your child decides to look....better yet maybe you could give it to her, then you can look her in the eye and tell her how tough it was!

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:14 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • This is a very common feeling among adoptees and has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about your adoptive parents, and is absolutely no reflection on what kind of parents they were.
    I recommend you read "Adoption Wisdom" by Marlou Russell, an adoptee, or anything by Betty Jean Lifton, also an adoptee. Also I agree that just because you were adopted from India doesn't mean you can't find your birth mother.

    Answer by onethentwins at 11:26 AM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Is there not websites that you could go to search? I have a daughter that I placed for adoption 23 years ago and I have never forgotten her and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her and wish her well and that one day we can meet.

    Answer by Cindy404 at 1:44 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • So cindy404 why aren't you searching? Some birth moms think they have no right to search and that if the adoptee wants them then they should search. But, If you think about it from their point of view, you were the one that left, you should be the one that comes back. Plus they've already been rejected once, it's a lot to ask them to risk rejection again. Much better that the bmom gets rejected than the adoptee.


    Answer by onethentwins at 3:44 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Hi! I'm an adoptee to and can assure you that 1) your feelings are VERY common for an adoptee and 2) your desire to know more about your family of origin is in NO WAY a slam or negative reflection on your adoptive parents. It's about YOUR self-identity not how you were parented! You also should know that there are thousands upon thousands of adoptees from the closed adoption era (me being one) who may have no way of finding our original family - so dealing with the longing and inability to find information is something that many of us are facing. There are groups here on Cafemom just for adoptees and also some groups that represent the whole adoption triad that can be helpful. While I haven't found my birth mom I've learned a whole bunch from birth moms who would be around her age (in fact, it helps me feel a bit more connected to her).

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:03 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

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