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4 Bumps

how to dispell the pain

okay, so, instead of having a romantic new years with my husband and children (steps included since it was on our weekend) I had to deal with my husband and step-son fighting, litterally, fighting. My step-son accused my husband of not loving him since DH decided that since SS (step-son) claimed his feet were hurting DH would allow the girls to brush their teeth first while SS went downstairs where I had my foot massager waiting for him (when the kids are growing everything hurts them so we try to help them with the pain by massaging it instead of drugging the kids up). SS got mad at DH becuase he wanted to brush his teeth before everyone else. SS backtalked DH, yelled at him, tried to hit DH, and when that didn't work he tried to throw stuff at his half-brother. DH believes in spanking so, he spanked him. SS said that he would tell BM that DH spanked him so that BM would take DH to court and make him go to jail.

With all the screaming going on, my 5 year old, 4 year old, and 7 month old were crying, scared, questioning what was going on (the older ones were questioning, the baby just cried). DH finally had enough, and told me to take the babies and get a room for the night. I felt like he was telling me to take my kids and leave since his son was giving so much trouble. I tried to talk to DH and SS so that I wouldn't have to leave (it was almost midnight). Nothing I said would help SS calm down, and I hadn't seen him like this since BM had him put on ADHD medication (which we were told by another doctor meant that SS did not need the meds but BM woudn't listen to neither us nor the other doctor).
While gone DH called BM to get SS and SD (step-daughter) but told me that instead of getting the money back, or atleast trying to get it back since we had only just gotten there, and coming home with the kids. I spent the night with all three of our children trying to explain to the older two why daddy didn't want us to come home, and the baby who had never slept anywhere but at home. DH got a good night's sleep, I didn't get any type of sleep.
When I got home the house was a wreak, BM called after I pulled in (she moved across the street from us about a year after we moved in to our apartment, claimed it was to be close in case the kids acted up) so she knew I was at home. SS apologized, and I told her about what had happened and that we wouldn't have had to call her if it wasn't for the fact that SS had scared the babies to the point where DH felt that it would be best.
It's been 2 days, DH refuses to look at me, much less say more than 2 words to me. SS has been better since BM took care of his misbehavior (don't know what she did and don't want to know since SS was the reason our new year was ruined) but the strain between me and DH is wearing on me. I can't even look at SS or DH the same way as before because of what happened. I honestly feel like DH chose his older children over me and our kids. He could have told us to come back home after making sure SS and SD were with BM, but he chose to have us stay at the motel. I'm kinda scared that they might have had a fling since one of the conditions she used to let DH see his kids was that he would concider helping her have another baby.
How does someone get rid of this feeling of betrayal? I'm so scared that my marriage is on a downhill trek and there's nothing I can do becasue when push comes to shove DH will choose the good of his previous family over the good of everyone. It hurts to think this way, and I don't want to think this way, but my heart and mind are on different sides of the fence in this matter. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you get over that kind of pain?


Asked by momnstepmom at 10:56 PM on Jan. 2, 2011 in Relationships

Level 15 (2,128 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Jeesh, this is tough. I wish you the best of luck. If this marriage and your family is worth fighting for - then fight. In the end, you can't control what he does or where his head is at, you can only control your own behaviors and actions. It seems strange that the fight occured between he and his son, and yet he can't look at you or speak to you? I don't understand that. If possible, move away a short distance away from the BM so that she's not in your business. I know that's not always a possibility though. Best of luck to you.

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 11:13 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • she used to let DH see his kids was that he would concider helping her have another baby. Ummm no!

    Answer by Noosa at 11:04 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • wow i don't think that i ahve experienced or had anyone i lnow experience this. what concerns me is the fact that their appears to be some tension between you to in situation where there really shouldn't be unless it's cause of what you said with her (bm) being so close and the fact that he isn't looking at you. either he did dosomething or he is ashamed of he way his ss and him reacted. which is what i first thought until you mentioned the rest. i don't know what to tell you to help you but would talking with the bm give you any kind of idea like maybe ask her what happened and how was she able to take care of him (ss)so well. you would like some tips on how to deal with this so as it not o happen again and then ask you husband and see if what he says is along the same lines as what she said. if she gets pregnant then you can figure out by that that something this happen if baby is here in roughly 9 months. good luck

    Answer by melody77 at 11:17 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • @amybaby_19, we DID move a short distance away, and were happy with the distance (we had to move into public housing since there was no where we could go that was a 3 bedroom place that we could afford on DH's income) until she found out that the houses across the street from us were in a different public housing affiliation and up for rent. She moved across the street from us, claiming that by being so close she can help if and when the kids act out. Now te public housing that we live in refuses to move us away from her, dispite the fact that we have told them that she has caused trouble for us in the past and refuses to move herself. We are stuck here until we can figure out a way to get out. And until I get done with my degree, no one will hire me (I'm going for my paralegal degree and should be done in the fall of this year)

    Comment by momnstepmom (original poster) at 11:18 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • I'm not sure I read it right but I don't think it was right for hubby to make you and the other kids leave because of SS's bad behavior. How old is SS? And the ex wanting him to help her have a baby....WHAT? I understand why you feel so upset. I'm not sure whats going on in hubbies mind or if I just misunderstood what you were trying to tell me. I usually feel I can get over something quicker though if I talk to dh about why I feel hurt. You have to be careful though because getting in another argument will only make you feel worse I imagine. Realize too though that if he is in the wrong you shouldn't allow yourself to be dragged down emotionally because HE was the poochie brain. (sorry couldn't think of a nicer word so I just decided to try and be funny) I don't know just seems like something needs to be gotten to the bottom of. Whats really going on to cause these two (hubby and stepson) to behave this way?

    Answer by christina259 at 11:20 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • NO HE IS NOT THE REASON your new years got messed up. Your stupid dh HIT a child with ADHD knowing that was NOT the right thing to do. DH screwed your holiday up NOT THAT BOY. Put the blame where it belongs. If you left your home it's bc you wanted to go. Don't be blaming a child with a disorder for your problems of having an ignorant uneducated dh. THAT's your problem.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:25 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • Grow up. That might work.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • @ anon, my step-son doesn't have ADHD, a certified doctor examined him before the BM put him on meds and said that he didn't need the meds, BM even admitted that she knows he really doesn't need it, but since she can't handle him, she thinks it's the only way to control him. I'm not blaming SS for the holiday being ruined, I'm blaming DH for sending us away instead of letting me continue to work with my SS. And I'm with DH in the spanking thing, as long as the spanking is not done out of anger and is used as negative reinforcement there is nothing wrong with spanking a child who has misbehaved. You must be one of those people who are allowing their kids to do whatever they want and only using time out, which DOES NOT WORK, and does NOT teach children the way the real world works (I mean face it, does your boss put you in time out if you do wrong at work?)

    Comment by momnstepmom (original poster) at 11:30 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • why don't you step out from behind the cowards button and stand behind your words?Anon, you are the one who needs to grow up.

    Comment by momnstepmom (original poster) at 11:31 PM on Jan. 2, 2011

  • Why don't you tell your dh to leave for a while and let things calm down.Tell him to get a room????? Situations as this is why marriages won't work.Find a place for you and your children.Let dh worry about all that.Good luck.

    Answer by grismelda at 11:33 PM on Jan. 2, 2011