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2 Bumps

How to stop the blame and resentment?

I've been totally consumed by my resentment and blame towards my husband. I know 90% of our marital issues are his fault. I've been the one trying and trying and TRYING again and again! He never took any of my concerns to heart until I mentioned DIVORCE.
I know I need to stay, and he is making a ton of effort....I see it.
So, how do I get over the blame and resentment i'm feeling? I don't trust him. In the past it's seems as though he does things right to cover his but...so I don't trust his intentions or how genuine he is when doing the "right thing". I don't understand how I can trust him again and get rid of the anger I have towards him.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:26 AM on Jan. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Go to couple counselling. Or just a normal counsellor. Go through of your problem and find out what do you really want. After it you can decide to leave or stay.
    adriennfaklya

    Answer by adriennfaklya at 9:28 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • If you've decided that you're going to stay, you need to look at the positive changes he is making right now. Don't bring up the past with him, make the decision to start new. Trust is going to take awhile to build up, you have to give it time. Have you considered marriage counseling, or reading books on strengthening a marriage?
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:29 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • You need to go to counseling, and if he won't go with you, go by yourself> It will help a lot. Trust takes time.
    SweetLuci

    Answer by SweetLuci at 9:33 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • It can take YEARS to get over it. And if what he did was so wrong, he better get used to it being brought up. He shouldn't have done what he did so now he must live with the consequences.

    There will come a time when you have to let it go or it will not work out.
    If he has a past of covering his ass, then it may take you a while to really believe that he is being sincere. I agree with PP. Counseling is a great option. It will help you to work thru your feelings along with learning how to deal with the communication so that it doesn't feel like you are attacking him all the time.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 9:34 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • You can start by changing your thinking about whose fault it all is. The truth is that problems in marriage are always about 50/50. If one has taken advantage, it's because the other has allowed it. If one has controlled, it's because the other has allowed it. I've been where you are, and the secret to getting past the anger is to accept that you are as much to blame as your husband. It is surprising how that puts things in a different light. There is a wonderful book that I think will be of tremendous help to you. It's title is BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It helped me more than anything else I read, and I read a lot of books while I was trying to find the answers in my own marriage. It will also help if you compliment your husband on the efforts he is making and really look for the positive signs that are happening. Concentrate on those, rather than the past.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:38 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • Look at your second sentence. You're not trying to stop blaming, you're still doing it. And the responsibility belongs to both people.
    Choose to focus on problem solving instead of on blame, if you expect the relationship to change. And it's a choice to let go of resentment, just like it's a choice to hold on to it. It just depends on what you want to choose. You can focus on the good or you can focus on the bad - and you're going to see and feel whatever you choose to focus on.
    caseyandkids

    Answer by caseyandkids at 10:10 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • marriage counseling is the best answer and if you want to work it out, try some christian conseling for the anger.
    kim0167

    Answer by kim0167 at 10:54 AM on Jan. 3, 2011

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