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How do I handle this?

My dd is 4 years old. My ex didn't get into her life till she was 2. At that point he got visiation with her for about 9 months (he saw her 2 times a week for a total of about 11 hours, though he brought her home early and picked her up late so it was really 8 at the most). Anyway, then he went into the military and in that about year and a half since, he has only seen her a couple times, even though one time he came back to our state when he was on leave and didn't even bother to see her (I didn't even know he was here). Now he will be moving within 300 miles of us and wants to get her every other weekend. He was never wanted her over night and she has never been without me overnight. The thing is, it won't be very regular and within a few months he will be gone again. I think it is good for her to spend time with him but I don't really think it is fair that she adjust to sleeping at his house when by the time she gets used to it, he will be gone again. See, I was gonna ask for a readjusment period where he only sees her every other sat, to get her used to him. I was gonna ask for maybe 3 months but he said that there is a good chance that by then, he might be gone again. I just don't want her jerked around, she hardly knows him (his choice, he calls maybe once a month and talks to her for maybe a min or two).


Asked by Anonymous at 8:50 PM on Jan. 3, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (4)
  • I think you go with your gut here and it sounds like your gut is telling you that these overnight visits are too much, both because she hasn't been away overnight, and because she doesn't know him well and this won't be permanent anyway. It's great if he wants to see her and spend time with her but I would take it slowly so that your DD can get used to being with him and so that you can get comfortable with it, too. I would have to really trust someone to let them take my kid overnight. I know he is her father but he hasn't been a big part of her life so you don't really know if you can trust him with her- even just little things like handling if she gets sick or disciplining her in a way that you agree with, etc. I would ease into this and see how it goes. If you have custody you should be able to set the rules. Good luck.

    Answer by MaryMW at 9:01 PM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • Um, talk to a lawyer? I think if you had to go to court and then mediation then whoever there would be able to give a recommendation about what is best for the child,

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:04 PM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • thank you Mary, he has visitation rights, though, I am the custodial parent (the court doesn't usually use that term anymore but I am the one who she lives with and she visits him)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:04 PM on Jan. 3, 2011

  • anon, no we will go back to mediation when he gets back but it doesn't work that way. They don't tell you what to do, they just help find an agreement between the two parents. I don't have a lawyer.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:06 PM on Jan. 3, 2011