Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

6 Bumps

I need some HELP here ladies. A touchy question about adoption and spouses.

I'm at my wits end and so I tend to ignore things hoping that they will go away. Unfortunately this dilema has a time resrtiction, or more precisely a due date. I am currently pregnant with my second child. My husband and I had talked about giving the baby up for adoption very early on but I have come to realise I am not willing to give up another child. I lost one at an early age and it's not something you ever get over. My husband is dead set on giving the baby up. The thing is, our 2 1/2 year old daughter has some health problems and I think the reason my hubby is so set on his opinion is because he is scared. Please, I need advice....and even possibly help to convince my husband that adoption is not the answer. I don't think I could stand knowing that I have a child out there that will never know who his true family is. The thought just breaks my heart.

Answer Question
 
mama_shea

Asked by mama_shea at 7:20 AM on Jan. 4, 2011 in Adoption

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • This is a decision that you both are going to have to live with - if you can't give the baby up for adoption you have to let your DH know that. Talk to him about his feelings, explain yours, and hopefully you will be able to come to an agreement together. Best of luck to you, this is a heart wrenching situation to be in.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 7:27 AM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Agreed, its something you both have to come to a concensus on. I think once he's sees the baby, he'll decide to keep it, though. No one can force you to give the child up.
    Mandz1

    Answer by Mandz1 at 7:33 AM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • My heart and prayers are with you. This is a very touchy situation for both of you. I have been on both sides of the adoption fence. I was given up for adoption and also gave up a child for adoption. I also counsel pregnant women looking into adoption and families looking to adopt. If you have any questions, message me and I'll be glad to help in any way I can.
    derosia_mama

    Answer by derosia_mama at 10:11 AM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • I think if EITHER one of you has doubts you should NOT go through with it. I've seen people IRL who gave their baby up because they thought it was the right thing to do or because it's what someone else wanted them to do. The couple of girls/women I know who did this were NEVER the same. The amount of depression and lack of joy for life is truly sad.

    I also know people who who genuinly made the decision for themselves and while they were no doubt in pain afterwards they were able to cope significantly better then the women who truly had NO DESIRE or feelings telling them to give the baby up.

    If you can't go through with this you should tell your DH and the adoption agency NOW so that he can be prepared and so that you won't have a adoption agent at the hospital with adoptive parents hounding you about signing papers and letting them see a baby you don't intend to give them.

    GOOD LUCK!!!
    miasmommy21407

    Answer by miasmommy21407 at 10:23 AM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • I'm sure you are under a lot of pressure, not only from your husband but from the adoption agency. You need to state firmly that you are not going to lose your baby to adoption. Be strong lady.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:51 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • You need to tell your husband you do not want adoption. Don't allow your feelings to be pushed to the side, or for this to continue. If you are having doubts then please keep your baby. Your feelings matter the most. If the thought breaks your heart now, imagine what this will do once the baby is here. My heart truly goes out to you. Sending prayers your way.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 12:52 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • It sounds like adoption is not the right course of action for your family. If you have such doubts, you shouldn't place your child. Period. But you have to just insist that you speak with your husband about this. For your relationship health, you have to speak about whatever issues you face.

    I do want to add that I may not share DNA with my chidlren doesn't mean I'm not a "true" family to them. :) Just wanted to throw that out there.

    Seriously, if you do not want to place - stand strong and don't place that precious baby :)
    AAAMama

    Answer by AAAMama at 2:54 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Adoption is a permanent solution...forever...for a very temporary problem. IF he is so dead set on adoption, ask him why not let your 2 1/2 yr. old be placed, after all what would be the difference...see what his reply is then! I am by no means joking here, these are both your children, and any man who thinks it is 'easy' to surrender a child to complete utter strangers...like it is rolling a die...is not much of a man/father, as far as I am concerned. Sorry to be so blunt, but it truly pisses me off to read from a hormonal young mother who has already bonded ,loved, carried and protected her child, is told by a 'scared' wanna-be man/father, it is best to just "toss' the baby out to someone...anyone who can afford it. Get real, this is YOUR baby, the sibling to your 2 yr old...if anyone need go, let it be the 'man', BLESSINGS, I so hope you will come visit the 'Birthmothers" group,CJ....FORGOT, CONRATS on your pregnancy;)
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 5:57 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • If you think now that it will break your heart, it probably will. Losing a child to adoption has that effect on many women, and it is one of the most painful experiences possible. Plus, it is not just a single event. The effects last a lifetime. Find a local CUB group if possible, or some books written by birth moms sharing their experiences. Take your husband to a counselor who understands adoption loss if possible.

    Is your husband afraid of being able to afford another child? If that is the case, look for resources to help. Ask family members for help if necessary.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 9:42 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • In this case the issue is bigger than just one piece of the story. What ever tensions exist now will not disapperar when your child is born. You can place your baby with a family but it doesn't mean your marriage will continue or improve. In all fairness to both of you - it may cause more resentment and anger. I can't tell you what to do...but from my small point of view, sometimes husbands and partners come and go but your child is the one person you will continue to have a lasting relationship with. How would you feel if a year or two from now you are not together and your child is also not with you? Would you feel that if you are not together this child should be in a "more stable" home or would you think that you could have done it on your own with two kids. My best suggestion is to think about what you know you can do without your husband. And if he stays with you hopefully it is for the best and if he does not
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:57 AM on Jan. 5, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN