Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Should I let my kids dad talk to them about abusive stepmom after dcfs is involved?

I recently posted a thread about my dilemma with my 2 daughters and how their stepmom was abusing my youngest. I called the police and filed a report and they said dcfs would be coming out to talk to my daughter about the abuse. His girlfriend (the stepmom) pretended like she was him and started texting me about it all, when I mentioned my daughter would be talked to by DCFS she seemed to get really nervous and then called my ex. I have tried to talk to him about what the girls say and his mom has also tried to talk to him but he dismisses it every time. When he found out they were involved he finally called me about the situation. (first call in over a year) We had a heated discussion but he did say he wants to know if his girls are being hurt and if so he needs to do something with the son they have together. The girls say that he is always at work and out of the room and she does this behind his back. Im scared for all the kids in the situation and he asked if we could all meet at his moms house for a few hours so he could hear what the girls had to say about the situation. I would be present. I am going to court tomorrow for a temporary custody order with supervised visitation at his mothers house so the stepmom cant be around. Before I told him this he said he wants the girls to stay at his moms and he will see them there. He sounds worried and I am trying my best to believe him but this is his girlfriend and when she threatened me in the past he did nothing and seems to always take her side. His mother says anytime she tells him anything he gets angry at her.

Should I allow him to talk to the girls if I am there? Or should I just keep going through the legal system?

Answer Question

Asked by jen339 at 12:16 PM on Jan. 4, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 2 (10 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • No. I have been in a similar situation. You need to go to court and bring it up to your lawyer. Let the judge decide what visits should be like, and bring this up in court. The judge can decide how it is done. The best way to do it is in counseling, and odds are the judge will order some sort of therapy if you bring this up. Your ex will have to pay for it too. That way there is a mediator there (therapist) who can document what happens and protect the girls' rights.
    Make sure you document EVERYTHING. I lost custody of my son bc CPS dropped the ball in our case and now I am back in court trying to get my son back some an abusive situation. Anything you do needs to have a qualified witness so it wont be twisted and used against you just in case.

    Answer by gemgem at 12:22 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Go through the legal system. Don't let him talk to your daughters unless there is a DCFS case worker present. You don't want him coaching them in what they say before DCFS sees them.

    One thing you can insist on since it is a girlfriend and not a legally binding union is that she not be around when the father has visitation (if he continues to have visitation once DCFS is finished). You can have it so that your visitation and custody arraingment are written that he can have no visitors of the opposite sex while his children are with him. Get as much legally in writing as possible.


    Answer by twinsplus2more at 12:23 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • go throught he legal system..all he will do is try to manipulate you & the girls to save him & his girlfriend.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:27 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Keep up what your doing and keep them safe sometimes the non abuser trys to cover for the abuser and will try to convince them it wasn't so bad. I know because my mom tried to convince me my dad was not really hurting me. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 12:29 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Let visits and talks go through DCFS, if you let the dad talk to them while a court case is going on, the DA can say words were put in their mouths and the case could be dismissed. After the case is over, then you can allow them to talk to dad, with you present, but I would NEVER allow them anywhere near stepmother again.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 12:34 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • I would keep going thru the legal system at this point. You can hope he has come to his senses about the serious nature of the situation, but if he has denied it before and covered for the step-mom then I think you need to err on the side of caution and get this mess sorted out before you let him get back in the middle, he could say or do something that jeopardizes the case or the custody situation and it is better safe than sorry right now.

    Answer by MaryMW at 12:39 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • file with the courts..... you need to do that... let her get nervous dont talk to either of them first... if he cared he would listen and be as disgusted as the rest of us that it was even going on... before i adopted my oldest one out to friends because of behavioural issues i didnt know how to deal with i was with a guy who while i was sleeping locked my kid in a pantry...telling you the next thing he knew i was standing there naked with a knife in my asking if he wants that to be his last day on earth...if the father doesnt have that reaction even to accusations then he doesnt need to be around them because he isnt safe

    Answer by rachelb76 at 12:41 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • sorry *in my hand* lol

    Answer by rachelb76 at 12:42 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • I would not meet with him. I would tell him that anything he has to say he can say in court, in front of my lawyer and the judge. If she is only a girlfriend and NOT his legal wife then you can request that there be no contact between her and your children, and you can also ask that his visits with the children be in a public place or supervised. Good luck!

    Answer by MizLee at 1:43 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

  • Go through the system. It's safer for everyone! He can use any time you allow him to see them against you in court. "Must not have been that bad, she let me see them, and here are the dates." is how it works.

    Answer by mrskrisher at 1:52 PM on Jan. 4, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.