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is he in the wrong?? please help

Ok...My husband and I from the begining of our marrige talked about masturbation and came to the agreement TOGETHER that that is something that we were not going to do without one another. So basically without the other one ither being there or knowing what is going on. anyway, I had to go somewhere yesterday to return something to the store. I left, forgot my item had and to drive back to our house to get it. I was gone for probably 5 min. I got back and I caught my husband masturbating. I can't explain how bad this hurt me. I suppose it was the fact that I was right there and would have been willing to please him, and it makes me feel like he was waiting around on me to leave. What should I do? or what would you do in this situation? He somehow turned it around on me and made me feel bad about catching him...I'm just hurt and confused so please help any advice would be great

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:55 PM on Nov. 11, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • I dont have a problem with masturbation so it wouldnt have bothered me in fact it probably would have turned me on. I love watching my man pleasure himself, Im not sure what advice i can give but im wondering what problem you two have with masturbation it isnt about anything other than a release of tension its not about hurting you adn you hurting him its a normal healthy way to release tension. i guess my advice would be let it go cause you ahve to pick your battles and do you really want to battle over his need to jack off

    Answer by elananme at 4:00 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Well, believe it or not most men do this and the part thats wrong to me is the agreement about not doing it. He knew he couldn't do it. If your sex life is sarisfying, then don't worry about it.. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. The reason he turned it around is because he was caught and backed into a corner. Its a natural way of life. Defend first, think later. Anyway, Don't let it mess you 2 up, its not worth it .

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:01 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • honestly I think it's unreasonable for you to ask to him not to masturbate. He shouldn't have agreed to it. He should have been honest with you from the get go.

    If honesty is your goal and you want him to tell you everything, you have to accept that men masturbate.  Asking him not to it is essentially asking him to lie to you about it.

    If you don't to even want think about him doing it you could adopt a don't ask don't tell policy.


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Well I've told my bf to masturbate when I'm not around or not in the mood. Alot better than cheating in my opinion. If I had a problem with it I would just say something and ask why he was doing that behind your back.

    Answer by Lizzie32390 at 4:05 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I guess what I'm getting at too is that It makes me feel kinda cruddy, because I just had a baby like 3 months ago, and I don't feel as sexy I guess you would say as normal and I was right there!! why not me? why choose your hand over your wife?

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:09 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • Have you explained that to him? Without yelling or being over emotional tell him exactly why it bothers you. Has he been avoiding sex with you since the baby or was this kind of out of nowhere? A lot of men who witness birth have some issues with seeing a baby squeezed out of their favorite toy. I don't like it when mine masturbates either, but to be honest we both do it from time to time. I think maybe you should re-evaluate the banning it all together, but mostly having an honest and open conversation about it all would do a world of good.

    Answer by Slinkee at 4:17 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • You walked in on him and his hand not him and another women.... I agree that it was wrong of you to ask him not to do it or for him to agree to it but I dont think he is wrong for doing what he did!! I know that my BF wants it in the morning alot and after not sleeping well from being pregnant and up with our 1 year old im just groggy and tired and dont want to at all!!! but the min he walkes out the door im like damn now i really want some lol!!! so it's not like I was waiting for him to leave so I could pull out a toy cause id much rather have him.... And also bordem if your alone what in the hell else is there to do!! I dont think he did anything wrong and I think you are making to much of it!!!

    Answer by scaredmommy08 at 4:31 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • i dont understand why a man would have to if he has his wife? my husband thinks sex is better than masterbation so he is always asking for it lol. but i have heared about what you are going through on tv you guys should go get some conselling

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:41 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • He probably shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. That's kind of an impossible request. I agree that you should tell him what you are feeling. But, I'm not sure what that has to do what he did. That's setting yourself up for disappointment if you think any man can actually stick to that agreement. IMO

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:05 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

  • I don't understand the reason for your agreement. Masturbation is healthy and normal and is not a replacement for sex, i.e. for you. Sounds like perhaps the reason was in the first place that you want to be in control of his sexual satisfaction in order to feel secure. You are setting yourselves up for trouble. Discuss your feelings with him. If he agreed not to masturbate, I'm sure he'd go out of his way to find a solution to make you feel better, but try to do it in a way that allows him to be honest and not judge him.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 5:28 PM on Nov. 11, 2008

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