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3 Bumps

How do you develop patience for the struggles that your adult children need to experience on their own and maintain your own sense of boundaries?

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Asked by olhp at 9:57 AM on Jan. 5, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Just keep telling yourself that if you help them too much, they wont learn anything. They will turn to you for everything, and their lives will be much harder if you can't help or if you're not there anymore.

    Answer by xmama_bellax at 10:21 AM on Jan. 5, 2011

  • Get involved give them the help they need, have them walk all over you until you have nothing more to give. It taught me to let them handle their own stuff!

    Answer by Noosa at 10:26 AM on Jan. 5, 2011

  • xmama_bellax's So did you actually tell your adult child that too to reinforce that for yourself?

    Comment by olhp (original poster) at 10:32 AM on Jan. 5, 2011

  • I'd say tell yourself and them that they need to experience struggled on their own in order to become independent self sufficient and know how to take care of themselves.
    My husband and I didn't learn much when we lived near his parents. If I didn't budget well enough and we ran out of food we liked to eat or whatever we just hung out at his parents house and whatnot, no problem. Then we moved a good hour and half away and we had to learn how to make a good budget, buy food within that budget and so on and so forth. We've still had to call on his parents for help a few times, emergencies happened and needed help with rent. But in the three years we've lived here we've done that perhaps three times.
    Let them know you're there for a true emergency but that first they need to exercise other options before calling on you.

    Answer by JadeRDragosani at 11:44 AM on Jan. 5, 2011

  • Well most of the time I let my adult kids set those boundries. If they ask me for help I give it but I try to listen to what they are feeling first.
    My daughter is 18 she wanted b.c. and wanted me to go with her. So I went with her, never been to the gyn with another person so a first for me. I sat in the room, giving her privacy and letting her ask the questions.. After she was done asking the questions I said is it okay if I ask a few questions too? She said yes.
    Then she decided after a few different methods seemed wrong to get an IUD, again I was with her, it hurt her they numbed the cervix.. I held her hand and told her to breathe in and out...
    This is all new for me, and I am loving being there for her.

    Answer by mmmegan38 at 12:21 PM on Jan. 5, 2011

  • You just have to tell yourself that stepping back and watching is okay. Just like teaching them to walk, ride a bike, watching their 1st teen relationship die, etc. You just have to let them falter, stumble, and fall. And you have to wait for them to ASK for help. Don't just reach out and give it. Take a deep breath and know that if you have done your job as a parent right (Most of us have), then your child will transition in to adulthood nicely.

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 9:26 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • My children are grown in their 20's ....I will have to step back and wait to let them ask for help and know that lumps come to all of us....including our children and they will survive.....

    Comment by olhp (original poster) at 11:31 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • My three are all grown up, they have used what I taught them well, and they know I am always there if they fall, to help them pick up and get going again. There are no boundaries when it comes to them, they would never take advantage of my good heart, never have and I know they never will.

    Answer by older at 1:27 PM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • I have taught my children well too and they do not take advantage of me. However in this world when a child is different and the world is not makes it harder as a parent to see them struggle knowing full well that their life will continue to be that way......I will always be there for my adult children but need to develop a better perspectvie so I may enjoy what I have to enjoy as well while not being pulled down emotionally by their struggle....I'm sure there are alot of moms out there that feel the same way I do.......

    Comment by olhp (original poster) at 1:32 PM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • It's difficult not to step in because our kids are our kids the rest of our lives. But we need to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them if they are going to become mature and thoughtful adults.

    When I saw my kids making mistakes like overspending or whatever I just told myself that I'd rather have them learn the consequences of their mistakes in their 20's when there's still time to recover than in their 30's and 40's when they have families.
    Good luck.

    Answer by Amigram at 12:40 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

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