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2 Bumps

Is It Over?

Basically, my husband and I fought and my husband told me he didn't want to be with me any more. Being the fool that I am, I asked my husband to give me another chance to work things out. We even have a couples theraphy session set up for February. Basically, we are broken up, but still living in the same house. My husband wants us to still have sex so we wouldnt go outside the marriage. I agreed, but have problems with that arrangement cause my husband doesnt show any intimacy, he truly just have sex with me. Not able to just have sex with my husband, I let him know this & his response is to not have sex with me until he figures out if we are still going to be together. From this little bit, do you ladies think my husband truly doesn't want to be in our marriage?

 
notlott37

Asked by notlott37 at 6:25 AM on Jan. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Level 7 (173 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I'm wondering what "doesn't show any intimacy" means. Intimacy means different things to a man than it does to a woman. Perhaps your expectations are that he will behave in certain ways, and when he doesn't, you think there is no intimacy. I also wonder if you have sat down with him and told him exactly what you would like him to do or what you think is being intimate. Too many women expect that a man should just know these things, and the truth is they don't. Honestly, your husband sounds to me like a confused man. And that just may be partly your fault. If you have been expecting things of him, and he doesn't get it, he is one frustrated man. I think the fact that he is still there speaks volumes. There are several good books on marriage that you can read. THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES is excellent. So is BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE; FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST; HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS. I don't think your marriage is over at all.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:32 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • So sorry to hear what you are going through.Your transcript has a recent past post you made about your hub and female friends..I suppose that is still a part of the friction in the marriage? I don't think it is fair that your husband won't commit either way..he is either going to try or he's not.
    tnmomofive

    Answer by tnmomofive at 6:38 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and he knows that you love him and will put up with a lot. Having sex with someone when you're broken up so you don't go outside the marriage seems pretty silly; the purpose of a separation is to think things through, not allow you to date. Then - you stand up for yourself and he decides to withhold sex? At best, I don't think he respects you or your marriage.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 6:50 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • It sounds like he wants to have the control over the relationship. I think sex is part of a marriage and if it's bad so is the marriage and vice versa. He didn't lie to you about his intentions - you are just unable to have meaningless sex for sex sake. Male and female difference in that arena. I think you did the right thing by standing up for yourself and your feelings. I say try to continue to aim for the therapy sessions. I don't think he knows what he wants right now, he's just unhappy or whatever at this time. You can push through this tough time. Try by doing other things together not sexual. Like a nice meal, a movie -- ie like dating again.
    Camilletnt

    Answer by Camilletnt at 6:55 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • If he can't go a month without having sex and feeling like he "has" to go outside of your marriage - I'd say he really just wants to end it. He doesn't want the hard part of marriage...only the easy part. And you know what, if y'all are broken up, there is no reason for him to enjoy that aspect of a relationship.

    banana-bear

    Answer by banana-bear at 6:57 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • Sounds like he wants to see what else is out there but keep you on the backburner in case what's out there doesn't work out. I would make the rules here if I were you and tell him what it is you want and what it is you both need to do. Then he can have his turn to do the same, and if you don't match up with goals, expectations and the path to get to them, then you need to figure next steps either separating or getting counseling, etc.

    He can't have it both ways and that's what it sounds like he is trying to do.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 8:30 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • Nix the sex before counseling. Tell him that it's as if he has a temporary disease...
    MeggieSwan

    Answer by MeggieSwan at 9:04 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • Wow. Basically he wants you for your body, but evidentially nothing else. He isn't invested in your marriage anymore, he just wants you around to have sex with you until you guys decide to officially get divorced. Which may have never been if you had continued your agreement to still have sex with him. I respect that he doesn't want to go outside the marriage, but that is all lost at the fact that he is seriously using you for nothing but sex. Your marriage is without a doubt over, he's already walked away.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:39 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • For these kinds of questions, I always have a hard time answering because right now I'm in the opposite situation. I'm not sure that i want to be married anymore. Long story. Anyway. If he is showing no signs of emotional attachment to you, it's just going to hurt you if you continue to have sex with him. I know some ladies have suggested books, but I recommend The Love Dare. It's not just reading, it's doing. The Love Dare gives you somethig to do everyday to better your marriage. At the end of the 40 (might be 30 days...), if your marriage is not better, I'd say it's over .
    Momma24Cuties

    Answer by Momma24Cuties at 10:36 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

  • I agree moreso with NannyB this doesn't ness. mean that the marriage is over.A marriage with any real length to it will go through a really bad spot (or a few) that is just the reality of a long marriage.She is right about those books too! I really love 'The Five Love Languages'..alot of common sense in that book and also it gave me some 'aha!' moments as well.The man wo wrote it had been a marriage counselor for quite a few years.
    tnmomofive

    Answer by tnmomofive at 10:38 AM on Jan. 6, 2011

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