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I can't stand to see my baby upset, what should I do?

My dd is 4 years told. Her father went into the Army over 1 1/2 years ago and he has come back in town 3 time since, though he only saw her 2 of them (by his choice, he didn't tell me he was comming in town the last time, I found out through friends but it seems like he just wanted party time, not baby time). Before that, we had visitation where he had her twice a week for a total of about 9-12 hours a week (depending on the week) but he picked up late and dropped off early so much that it was more like 6-9 hours a week. The visitation started after she turned 2 and only lasted about 8 months (after that, he went into the Army) Now he is moving where he will be 275 miles away, by our courts standard, that is local visitation. He says he wants EOW though he admits he will only be able to make half of those, but won't be able to tell me until friday if he will be picking her up that afternoon! My dd HATES going over to his moms house (where he has visitation). They make no effort to make her comfortable (things like letting her watch shows she is used to, speaking in English, making food she is used to ect) so it is really hard on her. they are hispanic and I am white. She loves certain tv shows (she only gets to watch 2 a day though) but all they will let her watch is Dora the Explorer and Go Deago Go (which she just doesn't like) They will only let her eat hispanic foods (they are too spicy for her and she comes home with a rash on her tougn) Also, they speak nothing but spanishin front of her , I guess to get her to learn it, so she doesn't even understand what they are saying. She would always cry when she had to go over and when she came home, she wouldn't let go of me for hours. She would beg me to not make her go over to his house. I am never negative about him around her, and even though he has called me a bitch in front of her, I do my best to be pleasent for her sake (I keep it very business like). Like I said, now he is comming back soon and the visits will start again and now, it is likely that they will be overnight. I just don't know what to do to make her feel safe and comfortable with him when he won't do anything to help, it is almost as if he wants to make her a differnt kid while he is with her. He mom does it even more, she HATES that I am white. They even put tanning cream on her to make her look darker (she pretty much looks white: blue eyes, light brown hair, very light olive colord skin) and they HATE that she looks like a mini me, they pull her hair back really tight so it won't curl like mine (doesn't work though) I just don't know what to do for her, I hate seeing her so sad and it kills me that she will have to go through it for a whole weekend. Oh and also, I think the other thing that makes it hard is that while he has been gone, he calls maybe once a month. My fiance', who has been in her life since she was one (longer then her dad) has kind of taken on the daddy role, her choice not ours. So between him not even bothering to call and her having someone to fill the daddy role, she has no interest in her dad, as many 4 year old girls do.


Asked by JLS2388 at 8:15 PM on Jan. 7, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 25 (25,280 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • Has the court appointed a gaurdian ad lietem? That is a person who interviews everyone in the family and speaks to the child alone and then makes a custody recommendation to the court.

    If she tells the court on her own that she doesn't want to go over there, then a judge won't make her.

    Answer by ecodani at 10:05 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

  • im sorry ur daughter is dealing with this. all i can say is try and explain to her dad how she is feeling about all of this.

    Answer by knagsmom at 8:22 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

  • Best thing that I can tell you is that you give your child all love you can give and just try to comfort her the best that you can and talk sweet to her that she is the only one in your heart and that you love her so much, and for that father that doesn't want to play the roll that he help make .I'm sure she is a very pretty girl I think you are trying to get the father to take her for a few hours a week and like you said he would rather be out party with his friends and not his child I think that one day he might find that he has messed up with his Child and want her back in his life he and with him moving 275 miles away that is just not right choice to make he should say as close as he can to love her. Don't what more to say than your a Great mother and that you try as hard as you can to make her happy and your self as well..

    Answer by auntie335 at 8:45 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

  • Well he is trying to get her every other weekend because his mom is trying to teach her that white people are bad, at least that is what they tried before, however it backfired and made her hate them even more. I think every other sat should be enough until she doesn't get upset every time she goes over there

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 8:47 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

  • ecodani, I didn't know that. I have been told there isn't really anything you can do until they are about 8 or so. I will def look into it

    Comment by JLS2388 (original poster) at 10:55 PM on Jan. 7, 2011

  • I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through this. My DD is also 4 and her biodad isn't really in her life. My DF has been in her life since she was 2 and she has chosen to call him Daddy. When her biodad does call she dosen't want to talk to him at all. He doesn't have any visitation at all, his choice. The only advice I can give you is to talk to a lawyer and see if there is anything that can be done to maybe have the visitation somewhere else. I hopr that everything works out for you and your daughter.

    Answer by CadincesMom at 10:58 PM on Jan. 8, 2011