Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

If you adopted, did you tell the child all along, or wait till a certain age?


Asked by SweetLuci at 1:08 PM on Jan. 8, 2011 in Adoption

Level 33 (61,712 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • We've told him from day 1. Always the truth, from the beginning. Omitting the truth is a form of lying. IMHO, if you wait until they can understand, you wait too long because NOW that they can understand, YOU have so much "lying" to answer for in the past. Being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of. Most people wait because they are afraid of answering the (obvious) questions about the original family and why the child isn't with them, but lay the foundation early and it will help THEM (hopefully) in the long run.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 2:49 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I was adopted and I knew from the start. My sister was adopted and just found out and ran away cause she wasn't told and felt betrayed and lied too.

    Answer by Claudiomom at 1:15 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I have a friend who DISCOVERED her adoption when we were in 4th grade. It was a huge betrayal (in addition to the fact that her adoptive home was less than ideal) and she's never been entirely healthy and whole as a result of the lies (and, admitedly other stuff - but finding out about the lies just kind of killed their family relationships).

    Because of that - I vowed I would NEVER NEVER NEVER have my children "find out" or whatever. How I knew when I was in 4th grade that I would adopt, I don't know - but I've always known. It's always been part of who I was created to be.

    SO, our kids know. They know there was another mommy who loved them. Who nurtured and grew them. Who made sure they were in a family that they would be loved and cherished as a child should be.

    Yes, we DID adopt from the foster system - but our kids came home to us at various ages.

    Lives built on lies are horrible.

    Answer by AAAMama at 4:40 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Our 23 m old came home from the hospital with us - she has the same first mom as our 9 yr old. We're the only family she is really aware of but she does have visits with her biodad. Hopefully when the parents do a voluntary relinquishment, she will be able to see her other mom for a brief time in the courtroom. I've requested the visit. Our 9 yr old can't see her, unfortunately, but at least I'll have something to show our 23m old sometime in her life when she wants to see the other mom.

    And, our 14yo is bio - so she doesn't have another set of parents. Sometimes she feels like the odd-ball. LOL

    We are also foster parents & have a 10 m old & will prob get her 5yo sister soon. I don't know what their future holds.

    I guess to answer the first question - YES my kids know their method of delivery was adoption. :) It's part of their history - who they are. I would never make it a dirty secret. :)

    Answer by AAAMama at 4:51 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • He has been told from the begining. He's only 3 so he doesn't get much yet but we do tell him. He knows and loves his birth mom and her family. We have a very open adoption. Since he was tiny and could give kisses, he has always kissed a picture of his birth parents good night, our simple way of letting him know. As he grows so will the details. He has a right to always have his past be his future too!

    Answer by lilsweetpea708 at 9:41 AM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • Our dd is adopted internationally...kinda impossible to hide! LOL I would never lie to my child, especially about being adopted. It is their life story, why shouldn't they have that information to process from day one? We adopted Lilly at 17 months from China. She is now 5 and knows her story and is very proud of it. When it is explained it should be done age appropriately....she does not know the laws and policies that led to her adoption, but we will have that discussion when she is old enough to grasp the concepts presented to her at the time. I agree with DBF wholeheartedly.

    Answer by mcginnisc at 3:56 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I ran out of space again - story of my life, I think.

    Our 24 yr old came into our lives when she was 9. We were her houseparents at Cal Farley's Boys Ranch. She has infrequent and inconsistent contact with her other mom. It's always been like that for them.

    Our 9 yr old came to us at age 6, via foster care, and very much recalls her other mom. Life was horrible with her but on the level that she can, the mom loves her and that's ok. Her other mom is in prison now for things that happened to our daughter.

    Our 5 yr old has a very special relationship with his first mom - she's my 24 yr old - and, in fact, all my kids are spending the night at with her and her husband and my grandson tonight :) He knows - he calls her Mya and knows that he grew in her belly. Someday he will ask why - and she or we will answer honestly. He was 15 m when we brought him home from another state's foster care.

    cont.... AGAIN! LOL

    Answer by AAAMama at 4:45 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Told right away and continue to tell. Probably didnt understand much for many years but it was just easier that way. The story evolves for both of them as they grow. I heard someone say once that it is "Not your story to give but their story to take". We continue to tell them the basics along the way but wait for them to be ready for the more difficult details.

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 7:13 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I have friends who were adopted and they knew all along, they were very thankful that their parents chose them to be their children

    Answer by CadincesMom at 9:37 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Both of my sisters were adopted, and they always knew. My DD is only 18 mo old but she will grow up knowing she was adopted. I'm making a scrap book for her that tells the story of meeting her and bringing her home, photos with the judge when it was finalized etc.

    I would imagine it could be pretty traumatic to have your parents sit you down one day and tell you, or worse find out second hand.

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 11:41 PM on Jan. 9, 2011