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3 Bumps

Divorce?

I'm turning to you ladies b/c I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years with 2 kids. We only dated each other 6 months before I got pregnant with our son. We wanted to be married and we truly felt we were meant for each other - I'm 29 years old so it's not like I'm 23 telling you this but we were on the younger side when we got married. we were very happy until my mother in-law and sister in-law became a problem which was about 2 years ago (we had little arguments here and there about them 2 years prior to that but they were little at that point) and now for the last year all we do is argue about them - it's about a biweekly argument date that we have. They are pretty heated arguments to the point he's throwing things and I'm telling him I'm fed up w/ it.

My sis in-law is 36 yrs old but is single and still depends on mommy &daddy and she's an alcoholic. She blames everyone for her issues. We live about 2.5 hours from his family so we don't see them that often and I was finishing my degree the whole time. Anyway, one night she called at 2am to tell my husband how I keep him from his family, he should try to find a job near his side, said things about my lil sis becoming my son's godmother was the wrong decision - just a bunch of woes me and everyone is out to get me (she takes responsibility for nothing). Her and I got into a huge argument and I ended it w/ we're not going to be close but atleast we can try to be civil. Right after that she pretty much cried to mommy/daddy and my hell has begun.

His mother is extremely passive aggressive and knows how to play my husband like a fiddle (as does his sis) - he's a momma's boy. I knew she was having an issue w/ what was going on between his sis & I so there were a couple of occasions I brought it up but she would never open her mouth about anything and would just listen. She told everyone else how she felt but not me. Last Thanksgiving took the cake when we spent 3 days together as a fam and she didn't speak to me once. I was pregnant at this point and I didn't say anything but after my daughter was born I decided to call her and get to the root of the issue. I called & said I think we need to talk b/c I get really upset when she gets passive aggressive. Well that must have just set her off b/c after that I couldn't get in a word edge wise. She told me I'm ignorant, controlling, I make a mountain out of a mole hill (pretty much she just wants me to take how that family acts up the butt), direspectful, and countless other nastier things (I"m too upset right now to remember it all). She also said things about my mother being ignorant and my family are animals compared to her own (fyi my mom is a little flaky but she is the most genuinely sweet person you would ever meet and has been nothing but welcoming to my mom in-law). I ended this convo w/ 'I don't like you and you don't like me but we will respect each other' and she agreed. Not 24 hours later she lied about everything - she told people (including my husband) that I said all the things she said to me. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually got a chance to tell her all the nasty things I wanted to say but all I get out was about how she's passive aggressive and that was just said b/c I was trying to explain to her why I was upset. Where I went was not having my HB with me to hear what was going on.

Since last Feb. my HB & I have gotten into our biweekly arguments about this situation. I want nothing to do w/ them and he still does (obviously). I don't go to anything his family has but our issues come up b/c anytime he does anything w/ them I get upset and Iruin his day prior to it starting w/ them - I guess I'm wrong but I hate these people & I honestly don't think my kids should be around someone who talks about their mother this poorly. I don't know what avenue to take to get over this. I do have anger issues when I feel disrespected and I can def hold a grudge but this isn't healthy for me or my family. He recently told me b/c I called his mom names (only thing I said was she's Pass Agg) then that's why she felt she had to tell me what's bothering her - that I'm all those things I listed. He said he doesn't believe me and thats what hurts so much. He also said he doesn't feel this is going anywhere and we need to see someone b/c we aren't going to work out if he can't hang out w/ his fam w/out an argument everytime - he's not wrong but I can't help it .Whenever he talks about it w/ his fam he does defend me but when we talk about it he doesn't. I know he's in a tough spot as well but I need a partner. I know this is a silly argument compared to what other people go thru but either way this is what gets to me. I want them out of my life and I'm starting to resent him for this whole thing. I have taken this a bit far but I'm starting to think it's b/c we shouldn't be together at all but we have kids. HELP!!!!!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:40 PM on Jan. 8, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Okay. Wow. Take a deep breath. Your first mistake here is involving yourself in the arguments with the sister-in-law. It's your husband's place to tell her at that moment, or closely thereafter - no, she doesn't keep me froming seeing you guys, your behavior does. He needed to put his wife at his side at that point, and he didn't.

    Now, run, don't walk, to a counselor. The fact that your husband wants to go is great, that's half the battle usually right there. A counselor is great at pointing out the flaws that couples don't see, and if a major one is him being a mama's boy, maybe he'll finally see the light.

    Now, for the future, don't avoid your in-laws like the plague, that gives them the opportunity to rail against you while you're not there, and it only creates a further divide between your husband and yourself. What you do do though, is you go, keep a smile on your face, don't say anything but positive ..
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 1:46 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • .. and nice things to them, make a concerted effort, even if it's killing you. Do not bad mouth anyone to your husband when you get home. If you have to say something, make it about you - wow, that really hurt that your sister didn't talk to me at all, oh, well, guess better luck next time. This way when they start doing the badmouthing, THEY look bad.

    And again, go to counseling, I think it will help.

    In the meantime, good luck. Sometimes in-laws just stink!!!
    amybaby_19

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 1:47 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • OMG I feel as though I am reading a story about myself The only difference is the things that were said between you and your MIL we slightly different.. I have lived this and it's not worth ruining your (you and your DH) family over. I understand where your coming from and I think right now it's best to let things calm down with your MIL and SIL first...Sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel and tell him you feel your marriage is way to important to let them come between the two of you. His family is 2.5 hours away. That it's crazy and to be casing this much trouble is not normal..Call his mother and try to talk to her again...Have him listen in on the conversation to prove it's not u that has the problem. If he loves you and respects you as his wife he will not let this come between the 2 of you. My DH and I are working on this same issue so I truley understand...PM me if you ever wanna talk I totally understand.
    2pittsburghboys

    Answer by 2pittsburghboys at 1:56 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Something else that got to me was after all this arguing w/ his fam. my mom had a heart attack over the summer. Somehoe my husband found a way to make it about his fam not seeing the kids. The day my mom had it my HB told me he couldn't sleep all night b/c he was worried one of his 'rents would have one soon since they r so much older than my 'rents. He was upset b/c if his 'rents had one & died than he would feel so horrible b/c they don't see the kids often enough. My goodness my mom is sick & here I was listening about the probable death of his 'rents. He keeps telling me we only see them 3-5x/year but someohow they are a part of my life every other week. I feel like I'm going crazy and I want out - I'm not happy! Thanks for you're advice amy - I do go to things that his mother doesn't host at her house (I'll go to anything as long as it's not on her territory)
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:00 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • 2 Pitt thanks I may have to take you up on it. I would love to have another convo w/ her but I feel like it's not going to help b/c the very same day we had the convo she conveniently forgot everything she said but miraculously remembers everything I said (although none of what she remembered me saying was true and was actually what she said). I've had so many discussions w/ him how this hurts our marriage and he 100% agrees - problem is I still hold onto everything & we have the same convo all the time so at this point it doesn't make an impact on either one of us. I feel we desperately need counseling but honestly I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore as a partner - you ever feel this way? I'm just as much to blame in this as he is and I don't know how to keep my mouth shut.
    Thanks and please keep the advice coming - god knows I need it!!!!!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:09 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • First (((HUGS))) second we have a person like that in our family and I say or said this phrase to her a whole lot " I am sorry you are having problems with said individual but please leave me out. Trust me the first couple times its hard but keep saying it talk to your husband and tell him bringing the outside in is hurting your relationship sit him down and say why are we fighting about the problems of other people and problems that are not our own? Or drama? You should also realize how much of this is caused by unhappy people outside and tell your husband what are we going to do to make our marriage better? GL Momma

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 2:15 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I'm so sorry for all your heartache, I think we all have this one way or another. I had a MIL who I stopped visiting & actually told my S/O to visit w/the kids, but I was done. BUT, I took her crap for 38 yrs. NOW, I have a DIL, doing the same things to me as your MIL is doing to you. She says one thing on the phone, & then tells my son differently, & we haven't seen him in 2 yrs. I'd say first, being a Mommy's boy your most likely not going to chg him sad but true, like my SIL. Bk to me, I thought one day," Would I like him saying nasty things about my Mother, & then I realized why whould he? " It's still his Mother, & yes he shd be a MAN & be taking up for you esp. at home out of ear shot of her, but he's not. My DD whose MIL is the same way goes to family functions, sticks w/the kids & makes herself busy w/them. Ignors the SIL who caused several arguments, sticks w/family that she likes, & is cordial w/her MIL. cont:
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 3:23 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • BUT, my SIL will not take up for her with his Mother and he's a Mommy's boy. Sickening as they may be, they have 4 kids. But at home he does let her talk & vent in her own home & he understands why she feels the way she feels. For the sake of your marriage you need to try & just not talk bad abt them, if you can/want to go to functions, stay w/the kids or family you can stand. Maybe brag abt what a good time you had w/so & so esp if not the family who is so nasty. At some point they may dig their own hole, I'm still waiting for my DIL and my DD's MIL to meet up in the same deep hole, can't be soon enough for me either !! My hope is one day my Son & SIL will see the light, and hopefully one day your S/O will too. Good Luck, if you love your S/O and he you, don't " let them" throw that love away, work at it. As a matter of fact, be extra bubbly w/S/O when ard them, a kiss on the cheek, or laugh a lot, make them jealous.
    MyAngel003

    Answer by MyAngel003 at 3:34 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Your sister in ln law is lonely and she's jealous of what you have don't let that bitch ruin it for you. i have issues with my in laws too, and that's why i don't speak to any of them right now my husband can beg me to speak to them until he's blue in the face it won't happen. i don't need to deal with negative people in my life he's sister will not get another chance to lie to her mother on me that's why they have to stay at bay. now you work it out with your hubby you show that bitch.
    soraya14

    Answer by soraya14 at 4:41 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Well OP and 2pittboys looks like we are all in about the same boat, would go into detail now but huz might look over my shoulder....I feel for you both!!....Jes
    JazzyJes

    Answer by JazzyJes at 8:37 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

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