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How do I deal with the unfairness?

I have a 5 year old dd. Her father and I are not together. I am maried and he lives with his girlfriend. Our custody arrangment is that he gets her every other saturday (that is all he wanted). He makes a 6 figure income and he spoils his live in girlfriends children. The live with them most of the time they are 8 and 12. He has a 6 bedroom house, each of the boys have their own room and a video game/tv room that they share. Meanwhile, my dd sleeps in the guest bedroom. Now, yes I understand that she sleeps there maybe 1 time a month (she doesn't always spend the night when she goes over there because a lot of the times they go out so she comes home instead of being watche by a babysitter) but these boys aren't even his children and they have 3 rooms between the 2 of them and my dd doesn 't even have 1 (to play in and keep her things in when she is there). She doesn 't really have anything of her own there and if she wants to watch a DVD, his girlfriend makes her go ask the boys (she says they are their's but HER dad bought them). She hates going over there, for obvious reasons and I really can't blame her. At home, she has her own bedroom and plenty of things (we dont' have as much money as my ex does, but we do ok and she has everything she needs and some of what she wants) I have talked to my ex about it and he says it doesn't make sense to give her her own room when she is only there 2 times a month. Normally, I would agree on that point but if he can find 3 bedrooms for 2 children who aren't even his, surely he can find 1 for his only child (he can't have anymore children so she is it, and he has a record that will prevent him from ever adopting) Anyway my dd gets so upset at the unfairness I don't know what to do. They took everyone shopping last sat and my dd said the boys got so much more then she did. When she asked her dad's girlfriend why, she said it is your mother's job to buy you clothes, not mine, she gets child support. I called and the girlfriend picked up and I reminded her that it's HER job to buy her kids clothes, not my dd's father.


Asked by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Jan. 8, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • I understand how you feel, I've been through similar w/my oldest now 28. The only thing I can tell you is to try to let it go. I know how frustrating & hurtful it is. Your daughter already sees what's going o & as she gets older, she will see it more & more. He's going to end up losing his relationship w/ her. I can tell you this from experience. You can't make him be a loving & fair father. If she eventually has some hurt & resentment toward his father & the new girl, it will be their own fault. As an adult, my own son rarely speaks to his father & at 1point when he was a teen his father told him that I had "turned him against his father". He told his dad, "you know, I've lived with my mom my whole life, she didn't say things about you & she couldn't have turned me against you, the only one who could do that is you. I've seen what you've done &I've seen what she's done, I'm not stupid, I can figure things out myself.

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:11 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Technically it is HIS job to buy the clothes, not her job.

    It is sad that he treats her differently and that he allows them to treat her differently but that is sometimes the way life it. When she gets older, she can choose to go over there or not. In the end, he will pay for it and you will still be her mom. She will know that no matter what, you will always be there for her.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 7:02 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I'd be more worried about those boys bothering her. I wouldn't let her stay overnight anyway. I don't care about the fairness. I care about her safety. You can't change what the gf wants since it's her home now so she will make demands. She'll always make the child feel like a stranger in the home. It's jealousy. I'd let her go visit but not stay and I'd make sure he paid the max on child support.

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:19 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Life is not fair. You can tell because you didn't get a ticket and there aren't any rides.

    How people deal with unfairness in life (being born in a wealthy, safe country or time vs. a war-torn impoverished one) is just about dealing with reality. The deep, and I should say tremendously immature, desire to have everything 'even' all the time --or to get compensation when it's not, is not enlightened, not responsible, not sane and not generous. It is, in fact, lacking in pretty much every form of 'character' people are talking about whenever they're talking about people of character.

    It is only rational and sane to do what 100% of what you can for 100% of the people you can, without spending any mental energy or any moments of your life looking over fences or into windows to assess what you're doing that you 'shouldn't have to' or that 'someone else should.'

    You control you, no one else. Do what is right and possible.

    Answer by LindaClement at 7:04 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Anyway, all you can do is be the loving caring mom that you are, be there for her if she's hurt, and try to let this go.

    Hugs to you, I wish you the best, and I promise you this too will end.

    Answer by ohwrite at 7:12 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't sound like your dd minds it at all. She probably just likes to see her dad and doesn't care about the other stuff. GL

    Answer by sexyfancyface at 7:05 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Jade, she was saying it's not her job but my dd's father was the one buying her sons clothes, she was just asking why it is that he bought them so much and her so little.
    sexyfancyface, she does mind, She comes home crying because she has nothing at her dad's house and those boys, her aren't even his children get everything they want. She has to ask the boys to borrow family DVDs (in the home, not to take home with her) when her dad bought them, she should get to use them antime she is there.
    Linda, I understand it is immature for anyone to want things to be fair but she is a 5 year old little girl. As she gets older, she will understand that her dad isn't fair and that is the way it is but right now she can't understand why these boys are treated like princes and she is treat like a guest (she sleeps in the guest room and isn't allowed to leave toys over cause the girlfriend doesnt' want them to clutter the guest room

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:12 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • And I know someone will ask, I am not asking him to buy her things so she can bring them to my house. I asked him to let her leave her Christmas presents from him at his house but again, his girlfriend doesn't want them "cluttering up the guest room. And for Christmas, he spent about $100 on her, just from what she told me the boys got, he spent at least $1,000 on them EACH and she had to sit and watch them open their mountain of presents while she got a small fraction of what they got

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 7:16 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • That is so sad for everyone.

    Answer by rkoloms at 9:08 AM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I would be really happy he doesn't want to spend more time with my daughter if he is that much a backbone-less jerk. If he favours the boys over his own daughter you can't really do anything. I agree with those who wouldn't let her stay overnight because the safety is the biggest thing. And if the boys start to take advantage of her because they know she is nothing there or second line of the family than anything can happened. I would tell to my daughter that don't bother what they got and what she got. I would tell her that there are things you can't pay for. I would ask her how she felt when she was there and tell to her that probably that family feels the same every day. So she can be happy that she is lovely and clever and she is my daughter. And I will be there anytime she needs me. Be happy you are not in a dirty custody fight. I know it is not a big happiness but always look on the bright side of life:P Hugs...


    Answer by adriennfaklya at 1:10 PM on Jan. 9, 2011