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Should I make her go to her dad's wedding?

I have a 9 year old dd. Her father and I are not together and I am married (been married for 6 years) My husband and I are planning a trip to Japan, where he is from. We have been planning it for a year and we, including my dd, are VERY excited. His parents (who have ALWAYS treated my dd like their own grandchild, in fact, she was the only until I had my younger 2) moved back to Japan 2 1/2 years ago to be with his fathers mother in her last years. This is prob gonna be the last time my husband sees his grandmother, and she was his only grangparent growing up. We will be leaving in 2 1/2 weeks and the trip is all paid for. The problem is, my ex called yesterday saying that he is getting married in 3 weeks. He gets our dd every other weekend, though he usually only sees her 1 sat a month due to his schedule. The weekend he is getting married is not even his weekend AND we will be in Japan. I feel that if it was so important for her to be there, he could have told me about it sooner (aparently, the wedding date has been set for 2 months). I also feel that he should have set his weeding date on his weekend to ensure she would be able to be there (as I did with my wedding) The other thing that gets me is he signed for me to get a pasport for my dd and KNEW before they set a date, when we would be there, he says he forgot. Well while this trip was planned first and is very important to all of us, I thought the fairest way would be to let my dd choose, she said she wants to come to Japan. I really want her to go and the other problem with her staying is after the wedding, we will still be gone for another week, so she has no one to stay with as he is going on his honeymoon, my mom will be out of town and his mother is too sick to care for her for that long. I think that as this is what she wants, she should get to come with us. He threatened to take this to court but then he found out that there is not enough time and his lawyer told him he would prob not win anyway.


Asked by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Jan. 8, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (17)
  • I think you're fine to take her with you. It's unfortunate that she will miss the wedding but he didn't go to any measure to be sure she would be there when he was setting a date so it doesn't seem like it was a priority for your ex to have her there. You can't be expected to change your whole life to fit this in on such short notice. Maybe they can get together to celebrate after your trip and his honeymoon. With everything you said it seems like the best thing for you and your DD is to take her with you as planned.

    Answer by MaryMW at 10:40 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I would not make her go. Sorry, he knew when the wedding was, let you plan the trip, get the passport and pay for the trip before telling you. No, she would be going on the preplanned trip. He should have told you so you could have planned the trip for a different time.

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 9:38 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • No - he knew about the trip to Japan. If he really wanted her there, he would have worked around it.

    Answer by missanc at 9:37 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Gosh, that's tough. I think she should be at the wedding whether she wants to her or not. It's her father's big day and regardless she should support him and be there. Although with no one to care for her in your absence it seems impossible to let her go. Is this wedding a huge ordeal, can it be postponed by just a few weeks? If it's really important that she be there, he could try.

    Answer by amybaby_19 at 9:39 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • No, it would be important for her to be at the wedding, but wouldn't it be more important to (I'll assume) meet her stepfather's grandmother, and give the grandmother the pleasure of meeting the great grandchild before she passes? Also considering she will be basically without care for the honeymoon period, I would say no question she is going to Japan. And since she said she's rather go on the trip, I think there is no question left.

    Answer by wildsun at 9:41 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Go to Japan and have a wonderful time with your family, your ex will just have to deal with it. I went to my dad's wedding and let me tell you it was not one of my favourite memories.

    Answer by AmandaH321 at 9:43 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Dd wants to go to Japan, there is your answer.

    Answer by Noosa at 9:45 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • amybaby19, that is what I asked. I mean he has been with this girl less then a year so what is the rush n waiting a week, but his bride won't move her wedding at all. She has only met my dd a couple times so I don't think she really cares if she is there (I may be wrong, but that is the way it feels) I also said I would consider it if they would push back their honeymoon till we got home but they don't want to do that either. If she told me she wanted to go, to would do anything, including canceling our trip to make sure she could, but the fact of the matter is, she doesn't want to and there just doesn't seem to be a way for her to go anyway

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:45 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Oh, she met his grandmother before, she moved back to Japan several years ago but she saw her all the time before then. And she misses his parents who she calls Grammy and Pop Pop (they tried to teach her the Japanese words but she had a hard time saying them and they didn't have any grandchildren before her so let just let her pick out the names) though i think they are the only Grammy and Pop Pop in Japan lol

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:48 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • No one should make anyone do something they don't want to, unless they are a child and will learn an important lesson from it. A 9 year old isn't going to learn much at a wedding.


    Answer by LadyQuin at 11:37 PM on Jan. 8, 2011