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9 Bumps

Hates being adopted....doesn't believe in it.

My husband and I adopted our daughter 18 years ago. It was an open adoption, and I was lucky enough to be present when she was born. She has been my daughter since her first breath. She has always known she was adopted. We live in a great town with outstanding schools and have provided her with opportunities that she most likely won't have had. More importantly we always let her know how much we love her and how proud we are of her. A year after she was born we were blessed with a son (biological) who we loved just as much. I have always felt very connected to each of them.

A while ago I read that on my daughters facebook page that she hates being adopted. When discussing this with her she said she doesn't believe in adoption and thinks that kids should be raised by their biological parents. Since I am not adopted, I can not fully understand this. Can anyone relate to this??

Answer Question
 
lozinit

Asked by lozinit at 11:19 PM on Jan. 8, 2011 in Adoption

Level 3 (22 Credits)
Answers (25)
  • Perhaps she's just having in identity issue right now. I also have an 18 yo daughter and she was adopted by us 11 years ago. Sometimes kids go through stages of hating to be different from all their friends and sometimes all they want is to be different. Maybe someone said something to her about it recently and it's just bugging her. Be there, let her know you love and support her and that adopting her was the best thing you could've done. I think it's probably just a phase.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 11:26 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I think she is at this age where she is changing and I think its completely normal for her to say something like this. Later in life she will appreciated it when she see what her mom did for her was a wonderful thing. Sounds like she is rebeling. It will pass. maybe she can see a counselor or something to talk about it.
    staciepi

    Answer by staciepi at 11:26 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • remind yourself of when you were young and a teen.. EVERY teen hates where they came from and cant stand their parents hahah
    staciepi

    Answer by staciepi at 11:27 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • Is she in counseling?? I don't have any experience with adoption but it seems like no matter how great of adopted parents and lives kids have they always seem to have issues with being given up. Are there support groups where she could talk with other kids who have been adopted??
    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 11:30 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I never had my mom and hated that she wasn't in my life. WISHED she was my mom. I had my step mom and my Biological dad.. but I didn't see they were doing a better job that my biological mom could. Only now that i am older and have a daughter of my own do I realize it was for the better. I used to say I HATE my town, I just wanna leave this town and move away. When I got old I realized my town is really nice.. and EVERY Teen hates where they come from. Maybe she is dealing with some emotions on why her mom and father decided to give her up for an adoption. Maybe she needs a talk on the reasons and maybe her Biological mom can speak with her on the reasons just so she can see that it was because her mother put her first instead of herself.
    staciepi

    Answer by staciepi at 11:31 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • my hubby is adopted and he says that every adopted child goes thru that..............because they wonder how life would be with their real parents especially when they see their adopted parents with their own biological children..................yes, they will appreciate their life later on but still will wonder, remember your biological son looks like you or your husband..............you can see traits in him that you two possessed.............the adopted child does not see that............allow your daughter to feel whatever she is feeling but assure her that you do indeed love her and if you can answer any of her questions......you will............also be prepared for her to ask to see her birthmom............she will ask if not now t hen later in life.............be supportive and she will always treasure that.
    mghtymffn

    Answer by mghtymffn at 11:42 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • When you say that it was an open adoption, do you mean that her birth mom was in her life? As a close friend/relative? Or do you mean that you kept in touch with her birth mom (pics & updates) but that she didn't see her birth mom while she was growing up? Does she have a relationship with her birth mom now? This may (or may not) make a difference in how she views her own adoption experience.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:56 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I am adopted. I never went through that as I was adopted at an older age, knew exactly where I came from, and had no desire to be raised by my biological parents. However, I do remember hating my parents, and knowing it all when I was 18. I also remember saying something just to be provocative, and never thinking for a second that it would get back to my parents.

    Her hating being adopted doesn't mean that she wished you weren't her mother. It can mean a thousand things, such as she regrets having been put in a position of being adopted, of knowing that her biological mother couldnt' take care of her, or perhaps feeling as if she was a burden to someone. Adoptions originate because of something sad, and every adopted child recognizes this eventually.

    Remind her that her existence and her being in your life has brought you the joy only a child can bring to a parent.
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 11:58 PM on Jan. 8, 2011

  • I would die if mine felt that way. OMG they are all still young and I have so many fears and this is one. :0(
    sillytime

    Answer by sillytime at 1:17 AM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I'd have to agree with busimoms answer above.  Adoption is 2 parts. First, loosing a mother and family- and then- gaining another family.


      gaining doesn't erase the loss.


    quote: Joe Soll, CSW "The Respect We Never Got"


    What would happen if one of your mother’s died today and you were told you couldn’t cry, you couldn’t go to the funeral and to make believe she never existed. What would happen to you. 

    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 4:39 AM on Jan. 9, 2011

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