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5 Bumps

How am I supposed to feel?

my oldest DD (12) molested my youngest DD (6). My oldest is living with her Grandparents right now while the investigation is ongoing and placement is being discussed. I haven't talked to her, it's been almost 2 weeks. I haven't seen her either. I just don't feel ready yet. I'm still a mess of emotions and none of them are good.
Everyone including my ex-husband (her dad) thinks I don't care about her and that I hate her. That's not true though. I just don't know what or how I feel or how to deal with or face her. I am starting counseling this week hoping it helps. But in the meantime how am I supposed to feel or what am I supposed to do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:00 PM on Jan. 9, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • Oh I am so sorry.
    I think the therapist will help you get some clarity so it's wonderful you're getting on it. I don't think we can tell you how to feel. You must be wrangling with so many feelings, it would be hard to focus on one. I don't know what the rule is here on when you're supposed to speak to the 12 year old but I would wonder WHY she did this and was there something in her own past that prompted such vile behavior? How can you possibly understand this? I think when you know you won't freak out, you should ask the questions that have been mounting in your head. You may not like the answers but it's worth asking to help you process this. Good luck, stay strong.

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 11:05 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • You are suppose to feel mad, sad, angry, scared, upset, confused, and a whole lot of other mixed emotions. This is very normally and getting counseling is a step in the right direction and it will help. Now, I can't tell you what to do, but I think (I put think because I have never been in this situation so I don't know what I would actually do) that if I was in your situation, I would call your daughter and explain to her that what she did was wrong, and that you love her, but you need some time apart from her. I may be wrong but I think you have posted about this a week or so ago and if I remember correctly, you said something about your oldest have behavior issues and problems. The reason why I would call her and tell her this is because, from what you have told us, I honestly think that someone has done this to your daughter. Cont..


    Answer by JeremysMom at 11:19 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • Cont.. It doesn't mean that it was right for her to do it to someone else, but what if during the investigation, it turns out that she herself was molested. I think that your daughter needs you but I understand why you don't want to talk/see her, but I think you should at least speak with her on the phone even if it is very brief, just something to let your daughter know that while you are VERY disappointed in her, you do love her, and you are working on getting her the help that she needs. If you can't do this by phone, then you may want to consider writing her a letter. I know you are going through a tough time right now, but just remember to take it one day at a time.


    Answer by JeremysMom at 11:23 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I did ask when I found out asking for advice of what to do. I can't say anything to her about it yet as she doesn't know we know about it. They don't want her to know until it's time for her to be questioned by the police because of her history of lying. They want a true reaction and the truth from her. So in the meantime I cannot just make small talk with her. I just can't. And all she knows is that shes in trouble and she has to stay at Grandmas house. She thinks it's because of the stupid crap she did at school last month that she's already in trouble for. So I can't ask questions, can't get answers, and cannot act like everything's ok since it's not.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:39 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I would write her a letter then and just reassure her that you still love her, but you need some time apart to figure out what the best situation would be for the family right now and that is why you can't speak or see her at the moment. You don't have to go into detail but something that will ease both of your minds.


    Answer by JeremysMom at 11:44 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I think Jeremysmom has some good ideas, as does jeanclaudia. I'm glad you're getting some counseling! I can't imagine what you're going through. There is no wrong emotion right now. All you can do is take it one step at a time. I would call your older daughter, and, like Jeremysmom suggested, tell her you love her, but you need some space from her right now while things settle down. Once the police have questioned her, you might be able to get some answers out of her, but I think if she has a history of lying and doing things like this, she needs counseling as well (as does your younger daughter). My mother and you brother were both molested by their older brother, so this hits home for me in some ways. These were the days when parents swept things under the rug and didn't talk about such things. My mother has been able to forgive her brother, but the other brother never was. Cont

    Answer by musicpisces at 11:53 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • Cont Perhaps if he'd had some counseling, he could have worked through this stuff, instead of turning to drugs, then joining a cult (not to scare you). The uncle that did the molesting later did the same thing to his kids, as well as to other cousins of mine. I don't know if he has to his many grandchildren or not. I know he never got counseling or anything with regard to his actions (I don't know why no one has turned him in).
    Ultimately, you need to protect your children, and that does mean both. It's very likely your older daughter was sexually assaulted at some point, and you (and the police) need to get deeper here and get to the root of what's going on. I am SO sorry you and your family are dealing with this. I hope things get rolling soon, and you can get to a healthier place.

    Answer by musicpisces at 11:57 PM on Jan. 9, 2011

  • I can't tell you how you are supposed to feel. But, I don't think it would be a good idea to have both of them in the same house together. There is always the possibility that it could happen again. I hope your the therapy will help you out and deal with all the emotions you are going through. I do know it's going to take a while to deal with it.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:42 AM on Jan. 10, 2011

    anyways i work at a group home and the majority of these kids have no contact with there parents and the best thing you can do is collect your thoughts seek therapy as for the victim child and the courts will handle your offending daughter there is no way you could of prevented it but from my knowledge someone did this to the offending child and she repeated it 99.9% of kids who were offended on re-offended so she was probably offended on so dont be mad at her as she was doin wat someone did to her good luck im here to talk if you need :)

    Answer by premiemom18 at 5:15 AM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I dont have any advice but had to say that.

    Answer by LiLJeni at 2:22 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

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