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How can I connect more with my 121/2 year old daughter

My daughter is drivng me crazy, she is the olderts of our 4 children ages 11,8,2 and she is so hateful and shelfish it is aggervateing me. She doesn't help out, she doesn't interract with the rest of the family, she mean to her younger siblings. I try to get her to help with me with her little sister that is two and it's a constant battle,she stays locked in her room. I try to talk to her and he just looks at me with this blank look on her face as if she doesn't care. I want my kids to grow up and be close net and look out for one another and by her being the oldest, I just need her help and support and she does not care.

Please Help, How can I get her to care?

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:57 AM on Nov. 12, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (6)
  • Have you tried having a girls day out together? Just the two of you. If you two could re-connect then maybe she would then start to re-connect with the rest of the family. There are lots of things you could do...a movie, go out to eat, salon, shopping, etc. Sometimes all it takes is a little alone time for them to special and loved. And, I'm sure, its hard to even want to do these things with her since she is hateful, but it might be worth a try. Good luck!

    Answer by supermomkell at 11:07 AM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • Her little sister is your kid, not hers. Stop trying to make her help. Hopefully she will be willing to help eventually, but obviously she is not willing right now.

    Get a sitter, take her out to dinner, and talk to her like you would any other adult, (but keeping the subject age appropriate.) Ask her what's up? She just might have something to say. Just be prepared to hear anything, and don't over react.

    Answer by 3gifts.from.god at 11:07 AM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • sounds like she is hormonal and doesn't know how to deal with her feelings. also when your asking for help they resent it. she maybe feeling like this is your child not mine and somewhat left out. this won't fix anything but it will help a little. instead of making her help you right away you and all the girls just need to go do something fun together where she will interact with all the girls and may just bond a little more. maybe take them horse back riding, ice skating, petting zoo or just sitting together putting on each others make up. she will be more likely to open up then. you start by asking her hey aren't your sisters fun and then ask if she likes spending time just the girls, how come she hides in her room? etc. also if you went to church that would help. it helps my boys out alot. they have boy scouts and they learn responsibility.

    Answer by melody77 at 1:02 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • She does not HAVE to help, she needs to want to help.
    Sounds like you and her need time together, alone. She is older and there fore deserves a special day every now and then. But let her do the talking. It is amazing how if you do something on their level, and stay quiet how much talking she will do.
    Anger begets anger. Show her you love her respect her and she will show it back.

    Answer by MikkiB at 3:52 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • You can't! Take it from a mom who has raised a 30 year old a 27 year old and again now a 14 year old. Teens suck and it's getting worse. My 14 soon to be 15 is the same way and it hurts so bad. I miss the heck out of him. He holes up in his room too and the blank look ....okay!! Woo wee it is the hardest thing I have ever done is to survive a teenager. It is easy for moms of toddlers to ramble off advice and to say if only and I never but until you have co-existed with a real live teen ....please. Good luck hun and get support and share share share.

    Answer by rosetoes at 11:32 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • One on one time is important. If she plays sports or is in school activities. SUPPORT THAT! Go to games. If there's ANYTHING she's passionate about, learn all you can about it. If she loves music, LISTEN! Spend a couple hours running errands in the car, take her (just her) along, put the radio on HER station - ask who the artists are, comment if you like a song. Find something to connect over. If she has a fave restaurant, take her there for lunch. Don't make a production of it, or she'll think you're "Lame" - just say, "Hey, lets stop and eat at XYZ!" Oh, and is there something she wants? Movie tickets, concert tickets, IPOD? Strike up a deal to pay her for doing things with the siblings. Don't leave her alone with them, but maybe kick her a little cash if she helps her brother with his homework, or reads baby sister a book before bedtime at night. Make her feel like she's got a choice, but make it worth her effort to do so.

    Answer by jjandjsmomma at 12:37 AM on Nov. 17, 2008

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