Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Does it matter who came first?

My dh is great with dd and loves her to death. Yet when his ex's son comes over (that he raised and Im in love with! great kid!) he gives him the kind of attention that I wish he gave dd. Is it because hes a boy and can relate? For instance, this summer he took both the boy and dd to the rides for hours. Yet he refuses to take dd anywhere by himself.(we have a kids amusement park up the street. about 12 rides) He makes all of these fun plans when he is around that he wouldnt make for dd. This boy is neglected by his mom and Im sure hes just doing for him what she cant. But why not be there like this for dd?? She is 4 and the boy is 13. I dont think age matters but do you think he does this because he was his "first child" or because hes a boy? Suggestions will help. TIA

Answer Question
 
Steph319

Asked by Steph319 at 6:44 PM on Jan. 10, 2011 in Relationships

Level 21 (11,543 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • Well I think one he does to this because he is a boy and because he is 13 years old. He may be able to relate to a 13 yr old more then a 4yr old. You did say he was neglected (the 13 yr old) maybe he does this so the kids can fill loved. He knows your 4 yr old is shown plenty of love and not neglected.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 6:46 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • Talk to him about it he may not even notice that he does it & boys always have that special bond with their dads
    Marie_07

    Answer by Marie_07 at 6:48 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • My thoughts based solely on what you have just shared.

    It isn't about preference, who he cares about more, or anything like that,or because he is the eldest... I think ..It is because 1) he's a boy and 2) he's 13 years old. He can relate more to him, he can go out and do things with him that he can not do with a 4 year old (that's a biggie), .................

    There are definitely things you can do, relate to, say, go..etc.. with a 13 yr old that you can not do with a 4 year old. Some people's comfort level in not only interacting with a child, but what all they feel comfortable doing with said child as well, can be affected by the child's age.

    Age really does come into play in regards to: what all you can do, where all you can go, and how you relate when it comes to our children.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 6:50 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • I agree Marie. And I nkow that bond is strong not matter if its bio or not. Just to clear things up this is not his bio son. Doesnt matter but dont want anyone thinking I would ? love for his son(if he was his that is). He just help raise him for a couple years. Best thing he ever did!!
    Steph319

    Comment by Steph319 (original poster) at 6:50 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • Thanks pixie! I agree. He was like this too when dd was born and the boy was 9. So its really the same. He can relate more I guess
    Steph319

    Comment by Steph319 (original poster) at 6:51 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • I only have a son.. Who will be 20 his next birthday.. However, I can sit here and recall the changes in how my husband interacted with our son throughout the years (and how other men in our family interacted with their children as well). It always has seemed like, sons or daughters really, that the men in my family have always interacted more (in terms of: playing with, going to places together, doing things together..etc) with their children as they get older. For some reason, most men seem to get more involved in doing those things as kids get older. We moms, can be perfectly content just watching our children roll around on the floor and coo.. lol.. We appreciate and take it all in. Dad's on the other hand, seem to enjoy it more and get more involved when they can actually "do" something and the kids can as well.

    I do not speak for all men.. Just the men in my family/my life.and what I have seen over the years.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 7:04 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • Age might matter as well as with a boy. He probably feels awful he doesnt get the attention he deserves and he know your DD gets lots of it. :) Why dont you ask him about this? Tell him how you feel see what he says.
    kiansmom0423

    Answer by kiansmom0423 at 7:44 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • I think because that is a child that he helped raise and maybe has more of a connection with.
    Just try and have him involve your DD more and even include yourself in some of these things. Help try and build the relationship.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 7:55 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • It sounds like a few things. The age, men can relate to kids better when the kids are a bit older. He can do more with a 13 year old then a 4 year old. He can have actual conversations with a 13 year old.
    He probably also feels like he needs to spend as much quality time with the boy because the boys bio mom neglects him. He feels as though he needs to make up for the attention he's not getting elsewhere. Which is noble. Kudos for him for that.
    He also can relate better with him because he's a boy. AND the boy is going through puberty. It's a rough time. It's rough, and he's not getting what he needs from his mom. If your DH is the only male role model in his life, then he does need as much attention from him as he can get.
    Unfortunately, this bothers you. But, does it phase your DD?
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 8:10 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

  • You're surprised that a man doesn't want to take a 4-year-old girl somewhere all by himself? That's actual WORK, not all super-fun bonding time. And then there are the difficulties associated with doing something as simple as taking her to the bathroom--he can't go in with her, he can't take her in the men's room and almost nowhere has those "family" bathrooms.
    He's probably not consciously leaving her out, he's just flummoxed in general by the associated challenges. Talk to him about it.
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 8:12 PM on Jan. 10, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN