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Is this selfish or not? on my part or his? being we are separated.

We are trying to make things work out but I noticed, this weekend(we have been doing alot as a family and working on doing our own thing as a couple.) He works 6pm-2:30am m-f. I work 9am-3pm, m-f. As of now we don't live together and I have the kids (4).

He sees them on Sat. and Sun. but sunday he has too do laundry, cook 4 the week, clean and so on for the work week so Sunday he comes around for 5 hours maybe he sleeps over most of the time, but there isn't nothing happening, I am not feeling it.... He did have back surgery(and when something is happening in the BR, he never complains about his back) and says he needs to get it done on sunday, he can't do it monday because he needs to rest..... If you ask me he always has an excuse....

I work all week, pick up the kids, cook every night, do laundry 2 x a week at home with no dryer, so I am hanging stuff up...We have never had a issue of cheating, or anything like that, but this is one of the reasons why I left, BEING SELFISH!!! If you don't know ask, don't assume.... anything, I will answer....


Asked by KFree907 at 10:20 AM on Jan. 11, 2011 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,947 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Do you deserve a break and a vacation...of course you do. I have 8 kids and it has yet to happen so I get the frustration. Have you sat down with him and really talked to him? Have you really explained why you are frustrated? If so how are you going about it?

    When talking to him it should come from a "what I need" versus a "what you aren't doing" aspect. As soon as you start telling him what he is doing wrong he will shut down, I think this is true of anyone really, but if you say what it is you need and how he can help with what you need you may find him willing to do more.

    Then there is the off chance that he like the set up, as you said his cake and eating it to. if that is the case then are you willing to keep at it? Maybe it is time for him to have visitation with just the kids at his house and without you there. Maybe then he will appreciate all that you do.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 11:43 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • It does sound selfish and lazy, but he's been like that all along. I would set a visitation schedule that works for both of you. He's not likely to change, but hopefully he will stick to a reasonable schedule to at least even things out a bit.

    Answer by Scuba at 10:27 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Men can not do the stuff we do. They do seem quite incapable of all the tasks we do. I think they can only have 1 or 2 things on their plate at once. Like their heads will explode or something.

    Answer by LuvMyMedic3ID at 10:34 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Sleep is usually a man's way of escaping from the stress of whatever is really bothering him. I have no idea what that could be with your husband, but you should be able to find out. Men are not as vocal about sharing their thoughts as are we women, so a wife has to be an investigator of sorts. Depending on what's gone on in your marriage before now, he may just be discouraged and tired of trying. Men really need a lot of positive affirmation in their lives, and they especially need it from their wives. While we may take for granted their taking out the trash, they like to know that their efforts are appreciated. So you might try expressing more gratitude for his coming over, for the time he does give you and the children, instead of complaining that he doesn't do more. It certainly won't hurt your cause, and it just might be the thing that will inspire him to do bigger and greater things.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:35 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • From reading this he does sound sort of lazy but I'm also wondering if there is an issue with depression?

    Answer by Syphon at 10:25 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I swear their is, he sleeps alot and says he is always tired, and how busy he is. Hello, You are not doing anything but working. he don't do activities with the kids, maybe on the weekend, but even this weekend he promised his son to box with him and did for about 10 minutes, sitting down...

    I tried to explain, you sacrifice, I work all week, take care of the kids, go to therapy, drs appointments and all of this. He can't do his cooking and cleaning on Monday, when he is alone and still take a nap around 1pm... He needs sleep all the time... It breaks my heart to think, I might not be with him forever....

    Comment by KFree907 (original poster) at 10:29 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • The funny thing, is I ask my self, AM I wrong>

    I said I wish you would understand, he says I wish you would understand....

    I am with the kids 7 days a week, doing what you can't do on a Monday... Hello....


    Comment by KFree907 (original poster) at 10:33 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I am tired of trying....

    I don't know what to do? I do appreciate the little things but when we first got together we were a team, I did the shopping, he carried the bags, I cooked the dinner he cleaned up, he did the laundry and I put it away, I cleaned the bathrooms, he entertained the kids, the first 4 years we were together, then he said I did it for 4 years, Hello.

    I mean all I ask is that you do what you have too do on Monday instead of sunday, I don't have anytime without the kids mind you 4 kids, I need a little help and all I ask is that you entertain the little ones.... I am so tired of being a savior..He on the other hand sees them 2 x a week, unless he is off. So out of the 2, you will take the one day to do what you have too do...

    It does not take 7 hours to do laundry and cook. Then by the time he comes back over, the kids are getting ready for bed, and setting up for the next day of school.

    Comment by KFree907 (original poster) at 10:43 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Maybe I am reading this wrong, if I am then toss what i have to say out the door :)

    Now this is just IMO but what I am hearing is you trying to hard to control the situation. You want things done when you want them done and you want it done within your time frame. That isn't fair, If I ask for help around the house I have to respect that it will get down how and when he wants to do it, I do it on my time frame he should be afforded the same courtesy, otherwise i do it and that is the end of that.

    As to not complaining about his back, that doesn't mean he isn't in pain. maybe he sat and only boxed with your son because it hurt to do it any other way, maybe he is suffering in silence and doesn't want to tell you because he feels you won't understand. Also men are not wired like woman, they just aren't great multi-taskers so expecting him to be able to do all that you do isn't fair.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 11:19 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Luckysevenwow:
    Maybe I am reading this wrong, if I am then toss what i have to say out the door.. : :) He lives alone, I live with the 4 kids. We both work...

    He said being we are trying to work it out, we should spend the weekend together. Hello, he comes Saturday around 1/2 pm, watches tv or plays dsi with my son, then sunday he leaves when he wakes up and comes back when the kids are getting tucked in bed.....

    All I ask is that he save what he has too do for Monday, He leaves for work at 5 pm, but he don't have time to do anything monday because he wants to rest... OK< so where does my rest come in??? Oh, I am mom so I don't get any... Then he is going on vacation because he needs it for a week down his cousin, oh, but I don't need any vacation. I make breakfast everyday for my kids, get them ready for school, take them too school, pick them up, cook dinner, do homework, clean, shower time, try to get some continue

    Comment by KFree907 (original poster) at 11:27 AM on Jan. 11, 2011

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