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if your mother in law said this to you, would you have been offended or atleast felt a little "sting"?

we've recently discovered my husband having an anger problem. it's something that's been affecting his behavior for over a month and the other night i text mil to try and talk to him, since every route i was going was not working. she called him, got him to come over and got the truth out of him. he came home about an hour later, apologized to me, admitted his problem, and said he wants to get help.

the next morning, i text mil. saying "thanks. your talk helped, he was able to talk with me when he got home, wish he could've done that in the first place but sometimes you need your mom i guess! :)"

and she replied "it's more of a guy thing than a mom thing"

and i said "well hopefully with some treatment we will get our fun loving Chris back"

and she said "Guys and some girls don't know how to talk. you all need to learn to communicate as a couple."

i thought to myself, OUCH. i don't know how to talk? i have only been offering my support and my ear and the man simply did not want to talk to me about it. it's true, we do have a communication issue that we need to fix. but just the way she said it burned a little, like it was my fault he was keeping his emotions inside and needed the "right" person to talk to to get it out. i agree with the last part, but not the first. her words made my efforts feel inadequate. am i overreacting a bit here, reading too much into it? i suppose you might have to have been in my shoes for the last month to fully understand. im the one living with him, walking on egg shells and keeping the kids happy so nothing will set him off. i just felt a little offended by what she said and wondering if that feeling was justified?

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 5:02 PM on Jan. 11, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
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Answers (14)
  • I can understand where she is coming from.

    Why walk on eggshells?

    If he has a problem and does not want to talk about it, I would tell him that if he isn't going to open up, I don't want to hear his mouth. But, when he is ready to talk, I am willing to listen. Until then, do NOT go off on us because you are holding in your problems.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 5:05 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I would just try to concentrate on the fact that he has realized he needs help and I would try to help him any way I could now that he is willing to get it. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and we don't always say the words we mean to say or they somehow come out wrong. I would not hold it against her. You may need her help again before this is all over. And it does sound like she realizes there is a problem that needs fixing. That can't be anything but good.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:14 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • It's not what one says..it's HOW they say it. Did she have a mean tone? Maybe she meant you haven't learned yet the way HE communicates. You can walk on eggshells for him the rest of your life..but, THAT isn't the problem. The problem is within HIM. No matter what you do..he will go off unless he learns to control himself and put what he feels into WORDS. Maybe the both of you should seek professional help. Good luck. :)
    Jou-Jou

    Answer by Jou-Jou at 5:19 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • You admit to having a communication problem with him.
    You two clearly didn't communicate well.

    Sooo why were you offended by her bit of advice? Clearly she's right.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 5:08 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I would be more pissed at my DH then my MIL about this. If he would have just talked to you about his problems, she would never gotten involved. It is his fault not yours.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 5:10 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • She's right, and I think you are overreacting. However, I think understand you being upset and hurt over her words. I would be, too. Some people, no matter how hard they try, just can't communicate as well. I give advice to friends all the time. Family, too. And normally, they don't take it. Then, when either someone else gives the same advice, or something happens, THEN they realize it was good advice. And if something happens, and they realize they should have taken it, they say so. But, with my personality, I rub people the wrong way. I come off as judgmental. So, like with my hubby, he finds it hard to talk with me. Or, I try to 'fix' things, when he just wants me to be quiet and listen.
    So, whatever your hubby's issues are, he just doesn't feel he can talk with you. And you said yourself, you guys need to work on that. It's common. As for his anger, it's been realized, so now it can be dealt with. And that's great.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 5:17 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • It`s great he is getting help...but I can`t help thinking why was he willing to talk to his mama, but not his wife? Something is off there.
    bb510

    Answer by bb510 at 5:34 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • My thought on this is when he is having these mood/whatever, tell him he needs to take a walk or go do something somewhere in the house. Get the children into bed take the time for quite time to talk and not be distracted by anything else. You both need to really listen to each other and try to work out the issues. Good luck.
    deesam

    Answer by deesam at 6:02 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • That would be a "sting." My mil has said some things to me that "sting," mostly about my parenting style....
    mamaziller

    Answer by mamaziller at 6:48 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • That's kind of the risk you take when inviting his mother into your problems, firstly. Secondly, you need to consider that it was a text message. I have regarded things as cold in a text that weren't at all meant to be. Third, I think you need to consider where she's coming from, it probably hurts her that her son has problems, and if he talked to her he probably shared his side of the story, and no matter what, you are not perfect, (not meant to be a slam) so maybe he vented a little and now she is little sad and frustrated at the whole situation and couldn't help gently pointing out you have a part in it too? Just my gut feeling, not trying to be mean, I hope it all works out perfectly for you guys!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 7:38 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

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