Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

6 Bumps

Should I address the elephant in the room, or let it go?

3.5 years ago when my husband and I met, he warned me that his parents would not approve of our relationship because we are from different religious backgrounds. I asked him, why bother upsetting them. We didn't HAVE to start a relationship. But he insisted, saying he really cared about me and didn't want his parents to pick his mate. As assumed, they were not happy about us being together when they found out and when things got serious. We were pregnant after 1.5 years of dating and their answer to finding out was abortion/adoption. We of course didn't pursue either. When the baby was born, they refused to meet her or even look at pictures he would try to show them. They also didn't share or allow him to share the news with the rest of the extended family. With all of us living in the same city, it was bound to get out and it did when his uncle ran into us in public. Then the news spread like a wildfire. So did the news of us planning a wedding and expecting another baby. His parents had basically cut him off by then.

All of a sudden about 2 months before the wedding, they did a 180. They finally met their granddaughter at age 15 months and bought my husband a new suit for the wedding. They even decided to attend last minute. Paid the officiant and gave nice gifts. Since the wedding, things have only got better. They have us over frequently and are the ideal in-laws. They even babysat once when my husband went to go vote. Treat us like we've been this close all along.

Needless to say, I was weird-ed out by the whole thing and wandered what were their real intentions. We were in premarital counseling at the time and the therapist said to just be happy they came around and let it go. I find that hard to do sometimes. I keep thinking about how they treated us before the 180. About the time when they called him one day to say not to call them back until he was ready to leave me. That was after finding out about the 2nd baby. I'm curious as to why the sudden change. DH and I assume his outspoken grandmother (his dad's mom) and/or other family members talked with them and told him how ridiculous they were acting. I also feel I/we deserve an apology from them. Should I address them with my concerns, or take the therapist's advice?


Asked by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on Jan. 11, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • I understand you feeling you are owed an apology but what good will it do? If you have already forgiven them than you should just move on. If you have not truly forgiven them then do so. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than anyone. It won't do anyone any good to hold on to it. Move on and enjoy the reltionship.

    Answer by kimmeyj7 at 6:26 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Don't expect an apology. Yes, they were wrong, but for whateve reason, they changed their minds. That was probably very hard on them to do so. You don't need to be best friends with them, but take it for what it is.

    Answer by layh41407 at 5:58 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • Let it go for now. But, if they slip up, or change again, all bets are off. It's totally possible they are being genuine. Maybe family did talk with them and they did realize they were being unreasonable and petty. That they were wrong, totally wrong. They could have come to terms with the two of you being together, and decided to accept it. If not, and you find out, like if they cause a scene, then say something. It sounds like you think about this a lot, and it sounds like the rest of the family supports your marriage. So if it comes to the point of you having to defend yourself, I'm sure you will still have their support.
    Just go with it, and be try to be happy that they are accepting.
    And, ask your husband if they are being genuine, he should know, right?

    Answer by Raine2001 at 6:03 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • i wouldnt expect an apology. my inlaws bascuilly told me in front of my then ds 2 and dd 1 that they would have rather their son hadnt gotten married to me and we just lived in sin. we are not only different races but also different religions so its rough. they except me but would rather not have to deal with my silly ness.

    Answer by knagsmom at 6:02 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I would want an apology too. I think with time you can probably ask them why the change of heart but not now.

    Answer by Bugzmomma at 6:04 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I would let it go. They are treating you well now, and I would not want to do anything to mess that up. There may come a day when you and they can discuss the past, but I would let them be the ones to bring it up. It could have been something as simple as they disapproved of their son's lifestyle, and when he decided to marry you, that made everything okay with them. Whatever their reasons were, they appear to be in the past, and I would simply leave them there.

    Answer by NannyB. at 6:04 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • As long as they've let it go ~ why not be the woman your husband deserves and let it go as well. You may never know why the sudden change - and maybe it wasn't so sudden as you think it was - maybe they've spent much more time than you realize (or they would ever tell you) agonizing over this within themselves. Their beliefs are obviously very important to them and they've come a long way to overcome whatever prejudices they once had. Accept it at face value and carry on with grace and dignity. Are you going to feel better hearing if from their mouths that they did this for their son's sake (or are you going to find another reason to feel hurt when you learn that they didn't do it for your sake). I say leave this elephant alone and let it fade into history.

    Answer by ShelbyShareAlot at 6:07 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • I Agree with everyone here. Just go with it and be happy they finaly accepted that they can no longer control their son and be happy with his choices. Its great cause now the babies get to see their grandparents. i wish you luck and i hope it all stays this way..

    Answer by mommyoftristan at 6:08 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • My ILs are like this... they will be unhappy with choices, completely cut us off for a period of time, and then when that doesn't get them their way, they act like it never happened. Until the next time they are unhappy. Then we do it all again. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that asking for or expecting an apology is useless. They honestly don't think they have anything to apologize for! The way I see it, I am going to be the bigger person by keeping them involved in our lives when they are speaking to us. I feel like I owe that to the kids. However, at 8, 6, and 4 the kids are already starting to see the pattern (particularly my 8 year old son who is starting to harbour some anger of his own towards them.)
    For your sake I hope it stays this way... I've found with my ILs it's all manipulation. When not trying to get something from dh, it's cordial. If they want something he won't do, look out!!!

    Answer by Freela at 6:15 PM on Jan. 11, 2011

  • hell no talk to that family cause u cant have that weird feeling when they see your kids i went threw the same thing too cause my man is Jewish and im not but they eventually opened up and when we had our daughter they were so happy

    Answer by cnoble927 at 6:16 PM on Jan. 11, 2011