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who is out of line?

My 11yr old sd called us today to tell my dh that his ex#2 came over today after about 4yrs. Ex2 had ss taken away by state, we have full custody of ss for last 4yrs, ex2 has not seen him in 4yrs or called hin in 2. He is mentally disabled due to her neglect. Ex1 is aware of this but let ex2 over and sd started accusing dh of mistreating ex2 and setting her up with DHs to get custody of ss. Ex 2 also abandoned another kid with his dad. I was pissed, dh hurt. I think sd was way out of line and ex1 was for letting sd hear this crap.We live 1800 miles away so not much we can do, opinions?

 
shivasgirl

Asked by shivasgirl at 12:52 AM on Jan. 12, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 24 (20,833 Credits)
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Answers (11)
  • Ok, so I think I have this right but there are a lot of players involved. Ex1 should probably have said something about Ex2's comments to your step-daughter, if she disagreed with them. Maybe she was shocked or didn't know how to react in front of Ex2, but she still could have addressed it later. But you can't change what happened now. That being said, if I were in your shoes I would advise your husband to call his daughter and talk it out with her. It's really between the two of them. She is 11 so it isn't like she can't understand some things on an age appropriate level. She may harbor some resentment against your DH for moving so far away (I am not judging you for this, your reasons are your reasons, but to an 11 year old girl she might have some bad feelings about it and this is a good way to take it out on Dad). Your DH could ask Ex1 to talk to DD, too, but he should really try to clear the air with her himself.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 1:57 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Right or wrong? Real or unreal? Try to wrap your mind around the fact that you are not able to control things from 1800 miles away. Is it wrong to be that far away?
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 1:42 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Okay so I need to understand this. Your step daughter, from a diff mom of your step son, told the step sons mom that the boy was being mistreated so sons mom is trying to get custody now?

    If that's right there's not much you can do but sit back, you might have some visits from a social worker but honestly embrace them, let them see that you are parenting correctly and send your step daughter to counseling because if she was truly making something up about her own father somethings wrong with her.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 1:11 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • No. They all live 1800 miles from us. Ex2 visited Ex1 after being away for 4yrs. Ex2 told sd thay her father mistreated her and set her up with DHS which caused her to lose ss, who we now have custody of. Ex2 hasnt seen her son in 4yrs or called him in 2yrs. She always tries to blame others for her mistakes. Sd is only 11 and ex1 knows ss was taken from ex2 by the state for abuse and neglect. Isnt it out of line for ex1 to have let ex2 tell sd this crap and for sd to take an accusatory issue with her dad?
    shivasgirl

    Comment by shivasgirl (original poster) at 1:22 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I dont get what you mean is it right to be 1800 miles away. What I am asking is if anyone feels we are out of line for being pissed that sd attacked her father and sided with an ex that has 3 kids, none of which live with her due to her own actions. Or thinking that since sd's mom knows the facts of why ss lives with us, maybe she shouldnt have let ex2 talk shit to an 11 yr old girl about her father? Or is all this ok? We are not worried about ss, ex2 will never see him again, but sd shouldnt be disrespectful to her daad for uissues she has no business knwing at age 11
    shivasgirl

    Comment by shivasgirl (original poster) at 2:28 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • yeah, i don't get it......too much drama........
    mama2bof2

    Answer by mama2bof2 at 8:08 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I think sd has every right to know what has happened in her family. Why do you live 1800 miles a way? It sounds like ya'll moved since both of his ex's live in the same area.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 10:24 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Right or wrong? You married into it knowing there are from my understanding two baby mamas living in the same area as one another and looks like they are comparing notes now. I always try to remind myself when dealing with exs that they are going to give their new gf or spouse their side and that there are always 2 sides, and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
    Unless you have a court order stating neither party is allowed to bad mouth or talk about certain things in front of the children then really there is nothing you can do about it. The girl is 11 and is getting to the age where she is going to start drawing her own conclusion based on her own reality, and what she herself has seen or witnessed. I once saw a judge in family court tell two parents in a similar situation to grab as much time as you can and make them happy times because in a few yrs she will be grown.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 11:18 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • We live 1800 miles away because my husband chose to move here. Ex2 also lives in another state and is only in the area for a court date concerning custody of her second son, who she lost today. EX1 knows the true reasons SS was taken from his mother. She has seen the reports from DHS. Why would she let Ex2 lies to her daughter?Why wouldnt she set her daughter straight before she confronted her dad? We all have a good relationship. EX2 is the only problen. Btw my husband never married either one, so I am the only stepmom, noth the second.
    shivasgirl

    Comment by shivasgirl (original poster) at 1:14 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I agree with you Mary. Dh was just shocked and hurt to hear SD spouting the same lies Ex2 has been telling everyone for years. and that Ex1 knows the truth. Personally I dont understand why Ex1 let Ex2 come over. They were never friends. I would totally get it if Ex2 still had custody of 44, the kids have every right to know each other, but I feel since Ex2 has no connections anymore, she needs to leave us alone, especially a vulnerable 11yr old
    shivasgirl

    Comment by shivasgirl (original poster) at 3:30 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

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