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How do you teach your kid this?

How do you get your teen to understand it's not up to the child to pick you as a friend it is really up to the parent or parent of the friend she has. She has lost so many friends because of her sneakiness and childish behavior. Last one was she was at the mall with 2 other girls, they wanted to go one way and she didn't so she broke our rule about staying with another friend and not going by herself. The parents found out and she is not to see them anymore.

Oh, I'm certainly not blaming the parents of the girls.  I just can't get through (my husband either) or teachers that if she displays certain behaviour like this sneakiness, breaking rules she will not have friends.  I am saying how do you teach your child that it's not up to the kids to make the friendship with her IT'S ACTUALLY THE PARENTS OF THE KIDS.  MEANING THEY CAN STOP THE KIDS FROM BEING AROUND HER, HAVING HER OVER, ETC.  WE HAVE TALKED TO HER TILL WE ARE BLUE IN THE FACE, NOTHING IS WORKING.  SHE'S SEEN COUNSELORS TOO.  THE OTHER 2 GIRLS WANTED TO TRY ON DRESSES AND SHE IS A TOMBOY AND DIDN'T WANT TO BUT SHE KNOWS THE RULE TO NOT BREAK FROM A FRIEND AND GO MALL HOPPING BY HERSELF.  She got busted and doesn't go to the mall for maybe till she is 14. lol

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:06 AM on Jan. 12, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • I'm not sure that this has as much to do with your teen's friends as it does with her respecting your rules. It sounds like until she learns some respect she should not have to worry too much about who her friends are (as in she would be grounded with no social interaction anyway).
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 9:09 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I'm not sure that you can. If she has lost friends because of things she has done then she sees that behaving a certain way will make her friends parents upset and she won't be able to see them anymore. You could try explaining this to her, although I think she is at the age where she is torn between being a kid and wanting to be more like an adult.

    She also gets to see her friends in school and I am not sure that parents can control, totally, who their kids talk to when at school. So if she isn't allowed to hang out with those friends after school, she might still be talking to them in school.

    I think you could sit down with her and be honest with her about her behavoir and how it is affecting her friendships.

    Good Luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 9:10 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • She is learning the natural consequences of her behavior. I'm not sure if I understood the question correctly; are you trying to make her feel better about losing friends because it was the parents that stopped allowing them to see each other? I wouldn't try to make her feel better about it, I would explain to her that her behavior caused this to happen, regardless of whether it was the adult or the child that broke ties. I'd guess that the girls weren't too impressed with her running off at the mall either.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:11 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I'm very confused about what your actually asking, maybe you could reword this so I can understand a little better, I kindof get the gist of it , but not 100percent sure of what your asking.
    cardinal58

    Answer by cardinal58 at 9:12 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Get her under control rather than worrying about friends and other kids behavior. Teen girls can spin out of control really fast when they are strong willed. Does she display this behavior in school? Is so, ask for help from the counselor.
    Librarylady60

    Answer by Librarylady60 at 9:15 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I think library lady hit it right on the head. This is what you need to worry about. Don't wait until it is too late. Hurt for her but be strong and do what is best for her long term.. Not what will make her happy today.
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 9:19 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I think you're taking the responsibility off of her for breaking your rules. She misbehaves and you're putting it on the friend's parents. When she should be held responsible for what she does. If she wants friends and wants to keep friends, then she needs to be held repsonsible for her actions. That's the only way she's going to learn is if she has consequences to what she does wrong.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:24 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • It seems to me that she is not yet ready to be trusted to make good decisions on her own, and that means you should take away her opportunity to make bad choices. She is having more freedom that she is able to handle and that freedom needs to be more limited for now. The other parents are likely concerned that she will be a bad influence on their own children and so they are making the decision that their children can't hang out with your child. If you see this for what it is worth, it can turn out to be a very good thing. I don't know how old your child is, but maturity does not equal a number, and she needs to be taught some very valuable lessons. She won't like it, but that's probably a very good sign that it's the right thing to do.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:30 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I t hink you need to be teaching her how to follow rules and pay the consequences when she doesn't. It is not the parnents of the friends that are at fault, she is. She broke the rules and it sounds like she has before. My sons friends know that if they break the rules when they are with me then they don't get to come again. I also don't pick my sons friends, he does. I guide him in that decision and I will stop a friendship that is not a good one but I don't pick his friends. If a friend turns into a troublemaker then that friend is gone.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 11:15 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

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