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3 Bumps

What would you do?

No bashing please. I have had quite enough of that for one day thank you.

So my (step)daughter (4 years old) spends most of her time at my house. This morning she tells me (out of know where) that she wishes her step dad (referred to by his first name) wasn't so sad all the time. She goes on to say that she needs to go be with her bio mom (referred to by her first name) because she's all alone! She said when her step dad gets upset he goes to sleep but he doesn't sleep. Or he plays games but she can't talk to him. I tried asking her about it (because she just started saying this OUT OF NOWHERE) and she shut down and started crying. She said she's not supposed to talk about it, everyone will get mad. I tried explaining to her that she can tell her father and I anything... but she was so upset. Bio mom and step dad have a history of depression and have a lot of destructive behaviors as a result. I thought they were being mindful of SD though and I am very worried. I don't want to betray her trust but she feels guilty and thinks she needs to go protect her mother! I feel so badly. What would you do?


Asked by ashleyaction at 9:23 AM on Jan. 12, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 16 (2,543 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • That doesnt sound good. Im wondering if he is abusive, either verbally and or physically. I would talk it over with your dh and see if you guys cant come up with a team effort here. Maybe since she is at your house so much, you can get sole custody of her, till things change over there

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:32 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I don't know what I would do, but I wanted to just send you some encouragement!

    Answer by misses_nick at 9:26 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • That poor little girl! My heart is breaking for her. You need to talk to your husb/her daddy & then he needs to get immeidiate temp. custody of her. If the bio mom & SD have a history of depression, that should work in your favor. They sound like they need help & are incapable of properly caring for that little girl right now. Best of luck.

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:28 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • wow, for 4 years old... that is so sad she has to endure that. i really do not have much advice but when she is with you let her be a kid, give her attention comfort and loved. gl

    Answer by JOR_HAIL at 9:28 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I would try talking to her again, letting her lead the conversation. Maybe ask her one questions and then just let her talk, even if she goes off subject to see what else you can learn. I don't think you want to go to her bio mom yet because you don't want to make things worse for the SD and you don't want to lose her trust. Maybe see if she will talk with her father. I would say if she keeps bringing it up and won't talk with you then I would try getting her into therapy.

    She might talk to someone else because they don't know who the people are that she is talking about and she might feel free to talk.

    Sorry I can't help more, and Good Luck!

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 9:31 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I would tell her dad. I would also make sure that she feels very loved and secure at your house. I wouldn't push her to say more right now. If she continues to feel safe with you, she will tell you more. It really sounds like they are putting pressure on her to keep quiet about what her world is really like when she's with them. I would keep notes, starting today. They may eventually come in handy and be very helpful to this little 4-year old girl.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:35 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • erm, JLS> what are you talking about? honestly. Bio dad, my husband, spends plenty of time with her... she comes back scarred and emotionally burdened from bio mom's house. The time she spends with bio mom and step dad is short because they don't have the patience or the means to keep her any longer. They both have emotional problems over there (that's not an opinion, it's a diagnosed fact) and I for the most part I try and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are handling them behind closed doors so that it doesn't effect my daughter. She thinks she needs to protect her mother though... that's too much for a four year old in my opinion. I just don't know how to handle a situation where it's between breaking my daughter's trust and protecting her interests. I'm really not convinced asking bio mom about it would help, it usually doesn't. I hate to do nothing...

    Comment by ashleyaction (original poster) at 2:44 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Keep talking to her, get her to speak...tell the mother that she said these things but that you do NOT want her to have to protect the child and ignoring it won't do that. Maybe full time with you and real dad is where she should be...?

    Answer by Charliesmom0219 at 9:28 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • i like the idea of you getting sole custody! for a child to have that much hurt so early in life is so sad

    Answer by JOR_HAIL at 9:35 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Why should dad get sole custody, it sounds like the problem is she isn't spending enough time with her mom and when she is with her dad, he isn't spending time with her. I think spending more time with her mom would be best (unless the court has declared her unfit or something).

    Answer by JLS2388 at 10:11 AM on Jan. 12, 2011