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Real mom or step mom?

So my ex and is wife just moved for his job. Now instead of being 900 miles away, he will be about 180. Before he saw our dd only when they could make it down here but we had no set visitation schedule. Now he wants to do every other weekend. I would have no problem with this, our dd is 8 and I think it would be good to get to know her dad. I am married and my husband has been around since she was 2 and plays the dad role for her, but the more people who love her the better right? Well now I find out that most of the time she will be with him, he will be at work (he will be gone on sat from before she wakes up till after she is in bed and Sunday she will spend like 4 hours with him before she comes home. I just don't see why I should drive 90 something miles to meet them (oh yeah, they want ME to meet them half way, even though in our county, less then 280 miles is local visitation and the visiting parent is supposed to be responsible to all the travel) then drive 90 miles back so that she can spend the whole weekend with her sm (instead of her mom and the man who is a father to her and her 2 siblings) and 4 hours with her dad and then I have to drive another 180 miles, round trip to come get her. I understand that the more people who love her the better but 1. I think all of this is too much hassel so that she can spend time with her sm and 2. I think if it is a choice between a child being with their real mom (the mom that has given birth, and raised them their whole lives) or their step mom, they should be with their real mom. I asked him if maybe they want to come see her on Sundays for the afternoon (I would even say every week since by the time they could get here, we would have already gone to church) but he doesn't want to have to drive that whole way "on his day off"

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Asked by Anonymous at 10:42 AM on Jan. 12, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (17)
  • Well, if you don't legally have to do the driving, tell him it's fine, but he's still moving too far away, and you don't want to spend half of TWO days driving. If she's worth seeing he'll come and get her, and he might...which is fine, because even though she will be with a "stepmom" and sibling most of the time, she does need to get to know them and feel close as well, and that will give her extra time with her dad. He may even start doing it, and eventually not come so often because of the driving.

    Odds are a court will give him that visitation, and then you get to pay an attorney. I know how you feel, I've been through this, and we had to do half of the driving.

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:48 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • With him being gone all day Saturday I would tell him that you need to find some sort of middle ground, it's a lot to take up her whole weekend and have to travel so that she can spend 4 hours with her Dad on Sunday. And your DD is at the age where things are going to start to come up, like birthday parties and sleepovers that she won't want to miss. I would try sending her there for one weekend a month, and asking him to come see her one Sunday a month. That way she still gets to see him two weekends a month but only has to go all the way there for one weekend. Or you could try having her go for a couple of weekends and see what she thinks- does she enjoy the time there or does she feel she doesn't get to see her father anyway? But don't put ideas into her head, let her honestly come to her own conclusion. Maybe she will enjoy time with her step mom, too, and that's ok. The more love the better, as you said. GL!

    Answer by MaryMW at 10:51 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • The step family is also her family, and she needs to spend time with them, also. It would be really nice, though, if he could make more time for her on his weekends.
    I'd think the fair thing would be for the drive to be a half and half set up. You drive her one way, he drives her the other, or you meet in the middle.

    Answer by SpaceToast at 10:54 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I would say sorry but if you want to see her you should drive here. (Is he going to pay for your gas?)

    How does your daughter feel about this?

    I would not drive her there if is not going to be there the whole time. Maybe, tell him when he is on vacation he can take her only if she wants for a few days.

    Answer by gammie at 10:56 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Let him do the driving, maybe he will soon realize his entire time with his daughter is in the car.

    Answer by scout_mom at 11:02 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Your job is make sure she will be happy and safe. If he was not a good man do you want her there?

    just because he help make her it does not mean he will be a good dad.

    Her dad is the man that raised her, I would not go out of my way for your ex.

    Answer by gammie at 11:03 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • ohwrite, she has siblings with me, not him so she would be with the sm who she barely knows all weekend long. I hate to go into a custody battle but if we did, as 180 miles is local, he would have to do all the driving. I just don't think it is right for me to spend half of every other weekend driving. I feel like if he wants to change things around, he needs to be the one inconvieniced. He moved away when she was 1 years old and since then, he has seen her 2 or 3 times a year so she doesn't really know him very well.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:11 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I think this will all clear up if the stepmom gets tired of entertaining your daughter.

    Answer by notjustmom213 at 11:14 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • The other thing is, like most people, we are having to cut back some. We still have everything we need, just less of what we want. Me having to drive over 360 miles twice a month would really put a strain on us. It is a LOT of gas. I drive and SUV so it would be about you can imagine how much it would be

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:20 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • i wouldn't do the driving. You may have to give in to the every other weekend thing, but i would not give in to the driving. He can make the effort. And if it's a matter of your dd getting to know her step mom, then if he says he has to work and can't do the driving, then she can get to know step mom in the car. You have to remember all this driving, if you do it, will take away from your family and your kids too.

    Answer by boobarandbell at 11:39 AM on Jan. 12, 2011

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