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2 Bumps

Is it possible for a man to not be interested in affection from his wife?

I don't even know how to ask this but my dh and I have been married more than 20 years and he says he loves me and I do love him too except I am currently having a very hard time emotionally. I don't know if I'm just depressed, I am 40 yrs. I am feeling awful right now and I don't even know what is happening. My dh works a lot, he is hardly with me and my dd, I think I am resenting that. He knows how I feel, I have spoken to him but he does not say anything, he just stays quiet. He tells me he loves me and he does show it when we finally do see him but what I don't understand is when he tells me "I love you" I will not respond or say anything and he will not question that.I know I should be happy that he doesn't judge me or question me but I am finding it odd that he will not react to my rejections. I am no longer affectionate towards him, we are hardly ever intimate because he works too much and he's too tire and I never feel like it. I don't mean to be so cold towards him but I don't know why I can't be otherwise. Have you experienced anything like this in your marriage? He has not given me any reason to suspect cheating or anything out of the ordinary but I just don't understand how he can live without getting any love from me. Again, I don't mean to be this way, I just can't figure myself out. Thank you.

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Asked by momplus01 at 7:21 PM on Jan. 12, 2011 in Relationships

Level 9 (281 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • My dh and I go through spells like that. For awhile there I was either too tired from taking care of the kids all day, or he was too tired from work, or we literally had no alone time. Btw I am about to be 40 if that means anything. I have a 5 yr old, and two grandkids who were living with us for a year so during that time especially we just were on a low sex wise and just alone wise.
    It sounds to me like maybe you might be going through something chemically as well. My doctor had me checked for hormonal issues because they can become quite normal at our age. Maybe you can ask your doctor?

    Answer by gemgem at 7:24 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • it's probably just as you said it, he's tired and he's grown accustomed to the dynamtic you have both created

    Answer by angevil53 at 7:24 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • Maybe it's just that you have gotten too comfortable with each other and he doesn't feel the need to be that close anymore. He sounds like he is working alot and then he tends to forget what's important in life you and family.
    I think people change and want different things all the time.
    I know when my ex was doing that he was having an affair but you said you don't suspect that so I wouldn't worry about that. Maybe try next time he's around to do something fun just go to dinner and a movie even doesn't have to be sex unless it leads to that. Date again. I hope things work out for you.

    Answer by Moms_Angels1960 at 7:29 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • At age 40, you could be entering "peri-menopause". Your hormones get goofy and you feel not quite right, depressed, extra sensitive and lowered self esteem. It is normal but you could see your Doctor and tell him/her about it. There could be many different ways to help. I felt like that for a while too as I was about to start menopause. But, when you have been through menopause you will be SOOOO happy---no periods, a feeling of new energy, new starts! Good luck!

    Answer by kerp1960 at 7:30 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • you seriously should read this book "the proper care and feeding of husbands" i think this problem seems to be mostly with you. sorry it that hurts but if he is working as much as you say you should be seeing that he does it out of love. i mean who works just cause they want to. few maybe but i think most people work cause they have to and would rather be with their loved ones. your maniplulating him by your not reacting to his "i love you" and your upset about it. maybe he knows you better then you think. i think you need to start seeing this in another light. like hey this man loves me, he doesn't beat me, he provides for me and is a kind and decent human being. you shouldn't punish him cause you resent his working so much. he is doing his role as a provider. man give the guy a break and start being intimate with him. show him some love. becoming distant with him to make is a point is seperating you 2.

    Answer by melody77 at 7:34 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • These answers are pretty much what I thought too. All I can offer is my sympathy... I've been married for 20 years as well. Don't take it personally... HUGS

    Answer by Jambo4 at 7:38 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • What do you want from him? Men have a way of never showing their emotions or talking about their feelings, that's why they're called men, not women. My husband puts up a wall like crazy sometimes too, but he still has feelings! I think you are being abusive, if you don't love him, get help. This person is a human being. If I were him I would work my butt off all the time too. It's one thing to say, "I don't want to be like this", but you are, and you know you are. Get help, or let him go so he can be loved like he deserves to be.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 8:23 PM on Jan. 12, 2011

  • I thik you may need ot ask yourself some serious questions. Are you trying to push him away? Are you testing him just to prove something when he doesn't respond as you want? I mean, let me be honest here, if you are intentionally rejecting him to see his reaction... what are you expecting?? For him to disrespect the fact that you are sending him signals that YOu want space right now, that YOU do not want his affection right now. He is honoring those cues and you are holding it against him. If you cannot be genuine and clear in what you expect how can you hold it against him when he follows the leads you do provide? And if he doesn't say much when you talk to him about how you feel... he's a man. He might not know how to respond but if he is listening then give him some credit. You may need to seek some help here but I think that eventualy your marriage will be just fine.

    Answer by GoldenLinds at 3:05 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

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