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Anyone else going through trials of a spouse in a mid-life crisis?

Okay, my understanding its NOT a mid life crisis, but LIKE one...but anyone else dealing with trials. I'm clinging to hope. My support just wants him out of my life...ha for support. I need support...or someone going or has been through this with a spouse. I'm starting to want to give up and leave if it means I'm no longer feeling dangled, but I'm still madly in love with the shmuck.

Anyone else out there with positive stories to share or experience on how to pull through this? Anyone? -tear-

 
Imortlmommy

Asked by Imortlmommy at 8:23 AM on Jan. 13, 2011 in Relationships

Level 19 (7,592 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (28)
  • I know it's corny, but if you haven't already read it, try reading the 5 Love Languages. It really helped me understand my DH and helped him understand that I had been expressing my love for him, just not how he wanted me to. Once we understood each other fully things improved pretty quickly. Not that this will happen for you, but it might help a little and a little is at least something

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:05 PM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • He's taking the easy way out. Instead of looking within himself and seeing how much HE contributes to his own unhappiness, how much he contributes to what he may feel is missing from his life/his marriage, he's having someone who strokes his ego and makes him "feel" what is missing. Not good, not good at all.. What he feels from here most likely is not what he thinks. Let me guess he thinks things like: she makes me feel like I haven't felt in years, she understands me more than my wife does, she's more fun and wants to do things my wife doesn't want to do, she makes me feel good about me...etc..etc.... If this is the type of "feelings" he's sharing, the he is most likely just trying to replace what he isn't willing to address with you what he feels is missing within himself/his marriage with this other person's attention. What he will realize hopefully before it is too late, is that what he feeling is "false" & misplaced
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 11:37 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • First let me state: I'm sorry you are going through this it is not an easy thing to deal with or get through.

    A mid life crisis is neither good nor bad. We all have "mid life" crisis throughout our lives, a "mid life" crisis is a time of questioning ourselves, our lives, if we are happy, if we are doing/living the way we want..etc. How someone handles the mid life crisis is where the good/bad comes in. Some handle it like your husband is, finding someone who makes them think/feel/look at things differently and question their happiness. Others, go to school, travel, change careers..etc.

    Based on what you have shared, it sounds like your husband is trying to fill in gaps in your relationship with another person. Bad idea, counter productive and doesn't work. However, instead of addressing the things that he feels are missing in his life./his marriage with you. He's getting those things met by another person.
    Cont.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 11:34 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • If it has only been 1 month since he ended all contact with her ( I'm assuming that you demanded absolutely NO contact between the 2 of them if you are willing to try and work this out.. if not.. it is a must) then his thoughts/feelings are still going to be "confusing" to him. Having those needs met, getting those feelings from another person is almost like a drug, it get almost addicting.. Feeling that high of love, feeling the burn of desire, feeling the sting of passion, having someone look at you like you hung the moon (instead of reminding you that you need to take out the garbage.. lol) becomes addicting. Love is a high. Remember when the two of you first fell in love, that high feeling that you had. That's what he has been getting. That has to get out of his system and it takes times, it really does. And he has to want it out of his system.

    Cont..
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:05 PM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • You are making a very positive and helpful step that many spouses never get to. You are owning your part of the state of your marriage.. IE: you see now that the 2 of you allowed daily life, parenthood ..etc.. to come between the 2 of you. Those things took over and caused a disconnect between the 2 of you.. Many many marriages go through that. I've gone through it (married 25 years) and I do believe most who have been married for many years have experienced it on some level as well. What you need to continue doing is instigating those loving/being in love feelings. Putting feelings into action (that is what love is after all).. Show him on a regular basis how much you appreciate him (which will be hard right now...totally understandable), show him how much you love him, how much you desire him after all these years etc.. Take your relationship off the back burner and put it on the front.. lol..
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:10 PM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • . I'm willing to meet him halfway, but I think he stopped trying to meet me half way. -pouts-


    My advice is for now to be content with the fact that he is still there!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:14 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • It sounds like this is still fresh. I have been through it and I am sorry you are going through it. My first suggestion would be to slow things down. I know when they throw this at you all you feel is sting and you hear nothing but noise in your head. All you want to do is to make it stop and fix it now. This won't happen like that. Don't make any rash decisions. Take a deep breath and realize that things didn't deteriorate overnight, they won't be fixed overnight either.


    Second, if he really 'wants to want it to work out', he needs to STOP COMMUNICATION with this other person. Immediately.  Your relationship consists of two people and two people ONLY.  You cannot repair damage with her hanging over your head. 

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:41 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • In therapy, we were told that this sort of thing can be tipped off by many things in life. Like the death of a parent, or personal health issues where you are dealing with your own mortality. Also job changes or difficulties can make a huge wave. The first thing we were asked to do is to explain to the therapist what made us fall in love with the other. This was very effective in reminding us of what we loved about the other. Things that over time you forget because there is everyday life to deal with. She reminded us that a marriage is much like another child. You must nurture it to make it grow. When we have kids, we tend to put our children first and end up neglecting to nurture our marriages. We only had a few sessions before we realized how much we had to lose in each other and that neither one of us were willing to just give it up. I can only hope for the same for you. (((hugs)))

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:54 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • The suggestion in regards to The 5 Languages of Love is a good one. I have not read that book, I've heard much about it, and I fully and whole heartedly (due to personal experience) agree with the premise.

    Each and everyone of us has our own way of showing/interpreting: love, passion, respect, appreciation, admiration, adoration.etc The way to make our partners feel/see those things is by us expressing those things in their "language" so that they fully understand/comprehend the INTENTIONS behind our actions. That's the important thing for us all to remember It's the INTENTIONS behind our actions that make them what they are. We can do things that we think show our love until the cows come home, however if our partners do not view those things as showing love, they will never "see" our intentions. We get hurt feelings because they didn't
    "get" what we were trying to do they get hurt because they feel we don't show them love.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 12:14 PM on Jan. 13, 2011

  • If the 2 of you still love one another.. If the 2 of you had those sparks at one time.. Those sparks can be brought back,, with fierceness (lol).. If the 2 of you are willing to put in the effort to do so.. You both just have to be willing to put things into action in order to rekindle those sparks. You to can be the fire that once was for him. You to can be the fire that burns him and keeps him coming back.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 11:52 AM on Jan. 13, 2011

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