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2 Bumps

I'm afraid to be like her, am I out of line?

My mother wasn't the best mother in the world. She was abusive both physically and emotionally. As the oldest I had to take care of my 9 other siblings so she could do whatever she wanted. Around 15 she kicked me out then told everyone I ran away. I'm pretty sure she was poisoning me at 9. I got really sick for 3 months and the drs couldn't figure out what was wrong. But anyways, my sister got pregnant at 13 and we didn't find out til she was really sick and had to have an emergancy c section. My mother told everyone it was a christmas gift from God. A few months later my mother found out she was 6 months preganat with baby # 11 and didn't know it. My husband and I also found out we were expecting our first child. When our child was born the hospital remebered my mother. My mil works there as well n found out that though we asked to go home early they made us stay an extra day because of my mom. Tthey wanted to make sure was going to care for our child. Since then I have been terrified someone will take my baby. Who is going on 2. I try to be perfect so no one has any reason to take baby. This has pushed friends away. Who think I have become stuck up. I'm just afraid of someone saying I'm just like her. It only takes 1 wrong move...I don't want to give anyone a reason. But I don't want to lose anymore friends.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:06 AM on Jan. 14, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • I wouldn't worry too much about it.. Lots of women have terrible mothers, but they themselves are amazing mothers. ♥
    SuperrMommyy

    Answer by SuperrMommyy at 10:12 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • Honestly, you can only be like her if you allow yourself to be like her. Very few things are genetically out of your control, and I'm sure now-a-days those things can be chemically changed anyway. Everything else is learned behavior from evironment, and since you're aware of what she did wrong you know what not to do. You aren't going to just wake up one day and start poisening your child, beating them, or kicking them out onto the street. It doesn't just happen overnight. You either are the same type of person and you're not. I don't think you are from what I've read and if you don't want to follow her path .. Then don't. It IS that simple.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:13 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • My mother was not much better than yours. I have an 8 year old and a 4 year old and my biggest fear is to be like her. Don't worry about people trying to take your child. It's actually harder than you think to have a child taken from you and if you are the person that you say you are (non abusive, or out of control) then you have nothing to worry about. I'm a big believer in bracing for the worst and hoping for the best. You just need to realize that she may be a part of you, but you are NOT Your mother and you are aware and capable of making better decisions and having a better life than her. Just think, if your mom got to keep all 11 of her children... how in the world are they gonna take your 1, that you obviously love and care for.... enjoy your life and your family. If you're anything like me then it's all you ever wanted any ways, so look around and embrace it!
    VanessaMomof2

    Answer by VanessaMomof2 at 10:16 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • You are not your mom... You have to remember that first off.

    You sound like a wonderful mom and want whats right for you and your baby. Don't be insecure about raising your baby, as long as your not abusive you have nothing to worry about. Enjoy life with the child and give him/her a childhood you never had.

    If you can seek counsling or a group class so you learn that you didn't do anything wrong, your mom did...

    Good luck..
    KFree907

    Answer by KFree907 at 10:16 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • If youre not acting like her or leaving your kids alone in her care I think youre just being paranoid. Distance yourself from her not your friends.
    RentaMom

    Answer by RentaMom at 10:16 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • this is a tough one. I think if friends are that quick to drop you, (as seems to be the popular way these days) then they aren't really friends.
    I say do your best, that's all you can do.
    I think that in time you'll find friends where you can confide your mothers issues with, and I think a true, intelligent friend will understand.

    My mother was never that bad, but your mother sounds a lot like mine in a lot of ways.
    I just remind myself that I am not her, and look to a lot of things she did as things not to do, and don't repeat her behavior.
    but I'm with you, I worry a lot that people will assume wrong about me because of where I come from.

    Just do you best, I hope things go well for you.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 10:21 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • I don't leave my child with her. I have to keep contact with her for my siblings. I think positive people being around. And wanting to help me is what saved me from living the same life as her and I want to try to do the same with them. Though she lives 5 mins from my home she only sees my child a few times a yr. She just never comes over.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:23 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • U r not ur mother, u r u! Don't over think it, just LOVE ur child with all ur might and take good care of him/her, and live ur life happily! Nobody is going to take ur child away because of who ur mother is, and bad parenting is NOT hereditary. As a matter of fact I would think that u would be a great parent because u had a bad mother, u know exactly how NOT to act, and u know how bad it felt to have a bad mother, so u will do ur best to be a great mother. Don't fret mama, u will do fine!
    PANZONSMOM

    Answer by PANZONSMOM at 11:05 AM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • You are already better than her. At 15 you took care of your family. Relax and be what you were made to be... a mother.:)
    CLLeverton

    Answer by CLLeverton at 12:04 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • Try to remember any good things you can about your mom, and all the rest of the yucky stuff, consider it a blessing, because you have learned from your moms mistakes how to be a good mom. The hospitals have somewhat of an obligation to their patients (the babies) to make sure they are going to be safe, they drug tested all of my babies just because I told the truth that I smoked pot in high school. I wasn't offended, I knew I had nothing to hide. Obviously they found you to be a fit mother or your baby wouldn't have gone home with you from the hospital. Get some help though, there is free counseling at many churches. you need to heal from the wounds she inflicted upon you. Much love, and HUGS to you!!
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 12:09 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

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