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Marital Despair

So my discontent in my relationship has definitely been building. We've been under a lot of stress, which fine for that I can work at things and don't need to jump ship but it's more. I haven't kept quiet either, I try to work on communication and compromise and getting a deeper understanding of each other. Well tonight was my last straw, and I told my husband that I think I hate him. Extreme and wrong I know and he cried. But I didn't...I felt relieved. I feel calm. I feel free. What do I do now? Oh and to further add insult to injury we were going to talk so he claimed he wanted to, he fell asleep before our daughter.
So my question I guess is what is going on with me? How do I know if I'm thinking clearly? And where do I go from here?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:46 PM on Nov. 12, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • first, find a therapist for yourself. second, see if he'll agree to marriage counseling with a good family therapist. if that approach dosen't work, find a good attorney and get a consultation.

    it's my experience that people don't do their best thinking or decision making at times like these. nothing can replace the guidance of a good professional.

    pugpin

    Answer by pugpin at 9:54 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • I think you just needed to vent. Do you really Hate him??
    bubblebean

    Answer by bubblebean at 9:54 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • SOmetimes you need to just step back away from the situation and give yourself space. take off for the weekend by yourself and dont take calls from him and think. communication is huge in a marriage and if hes not listening that can bring out so many emotions. Time away will clear your mind and youll know pretty quickly if you meant what you said or if it was frustration. maybe a seperation if a weekend doesnt do it, it might wake him up to realize your serious. best wishes
    desperateat48

    Answer by desperateat48 at 9:56 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • It sounds like you had a lot of stuff built up and the dam broke tonight. That's a good thing. Let things settle down. Process what happened and what you really want to say to hubby. I'm hoping you don't hate him as much as you hate what has happened to your expectations for your marriage and your personal goals. Possibly you hate how he's not supplied you with what you need in the marriage. My point is maybe you can concentrate on hating things he's done instead of him as a person to make it easier for him to deal with issues that need to be worked on. It will make it easier to compromise and work out a solution. However, I think you will be able to think clearer and consider what you want from him or the marriage or life now that the loggjam is gone.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:56 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • If you dont, i think you should go wake him up and tell him that you didnt really mean it and tell him you are sorry and you need a little me time. Try having some alone time, get out and find if he is the problem or if you are the problem. Like maybe you just need to figure out who you are. Sometimes it has nothing to do with your SO. I wouldnt do anything drastic.
    bubblebean

    Answer by bubblebean at 9:58 PM on Nov. 12, 2008

  • and the frustration builds because he just fell asleep on you like it wasnt any big deal.. dont let that bother you.. take this time to sit back and think about what is going to be said in the a.m. maybe start out with the fact that you didnt mean the whole hate thing.. because you loved him when you married and i just dont think you can hate someone you love at any time. talk to a close friend or family memeber that is not judgemental about things and get out whats bothering you.. that always helps me. Go from there.
    AmFam5

    Answer by AmFam5 at 12:29 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • You married this man, you should not feel great about making him cry. He could probably tell you didn't feel remorsful for saying something so mean, so he went to sleep to avoid dealing with it. Annoying I know, my DH does that... but you kind of deserved it. Give yourself time to cool off, then if you feel sorry, apologize. If not, let him go because no one deserves to be treated like that.
    When you're both under a lot of stress, you need to be a team and face it... not turn on eachother.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:09 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I don't think I hate him. But I don't think I love him either...For awhile it's been "I know I love him, but I don't know if I'm still in love with him." We've had fights with the hope that maybe it will open things up and we can communicate and things will get better and it never has. In fact it gets worse, he gets moodier and snappier. He refuses to go to counseling, I asked for this six months ago and he scoffed at the idea. I'm already in therapy, he thinks that should fix us.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • We don't see each other in the morning. We barely see each other in the evening, we have virtually no together time. I recently was away for two weeks, I came back a better mother and I thought ready to reassess my marriage and really work on it and to do so calmly. Maybe we need alone together time...I was going to leave, but I really can't with my work schedule until tomorrow. He knows full well though that my stuff is all packed and I told him to think about which days are better for him to have our daughter (we've talked before and agree it would be a 50/50 split). He told me to get a lawyer then... so I wonder if together will do enough. Does anyone know of a good book by a professional? Since he won't physically go to one?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

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