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Is it possible to trust your husband again?

My husband had a "text message" affair with a co-worker for about 5 months. This began in February of 2009. He and I were married for 17 years, at the time and she was married for 1-1/2. He swears there was no romantic involvement and certainly nothing physical. I want to believe that but am not sure. He's 46, she's 27. (She lives in another state, but they see each other at meetings about 2-4 times a year. I don't know if it was more, but the betrayal hurts terribly. I do love him and he is sorry and has given me access to his phone and all computer passwords, etc. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. How long will it take and can I ever trust him again? I always trusted 150% since I have been with him and I don't know how to handle this or if I can. Please send advice!

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UnabletoTrust

Asked by UnabletoTrust at 8:14 PM on Jan. 14, 2011 in Relationships

Level 3 (20 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Have you tried couples counseling? Do that as well as counseling for yourself. It's hard to get through this but it helps to talk about it.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 8:15 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • It's going to take time. He's going to have to earn your trust just as he did in the beginning of your relationship. You can get trust back, you just have to have both of you willing to work through this together. Marriage counseling is great, but there are also a lot of books on the subject. Best of luck.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 8:19 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • He's doing everything he can to make you trust him again, if his behavior continues that way it is possible to regain the trust - counseling would be very beneficial as well. It's impossible to say exactly how long it will take to make things right and its possible that a little bit of doubt will always be in the back of your mind. I had an ex who cheated once, I left him but eventually we became friends and I believe now that if I had stayed and worked on the relationship he never would have betrayed me again however I was also with a guy who cheated, begged my forgiveness and kept up the good behavior for a few months and then cheated again. I think because it's been so long now and your husband is continuing the good behavior he sincerely feels remorse and wants the marriage to work; only time will tell and only time can heal that level of betrayal. Good luck.
    anon1986East

    Answer by anon1986East at 8:23 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • once trust is lost it is a hard thing to gain back... but do some counceling and see what it can do for you... BOL
    Lynnsae

    Answer by Lynnsae at 8:29 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • I went thru the same thing. Text messages 900 plus a month for over a year. I found out early on and confronted it. He said hed stop, got caught again. I have been married 24 years and I am not one to walk out. Vows are for better or worse. I gave him a choice, you stop or I leave and I wont look back. he decided to straighten up, however as far a trust, I dont know if you ever fully get it back. I have forgiven him for his stupid choices but i watch everything he does and I can honestly after a year say I do not and probably will never fully trust him again. He betrayed my trust not once but three times and has done everything to correct his mistakes but I have never forgotten. Just follow your heart and keep your eyes open. You can forgive but I guarantee you wont forget and it really sucks. best wishes
    desperateat48

    Answer by desperateat48 at 9:22 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • I am in the same situation and all i can say is if you love him go to counseling it's your best bet for working things out.
    Thats what we're doing and it is helping. Good Luck to you
    klhoe

    Answer by klhoe at 9:38 PM on Jan. 14, 2011

  • have him take a lie detector test. if he got caught messaging her and he said there is nothing physical or romantic he should have no problem taking the test. if he passes, i advice couples counseling, if he fails i would end it because he keeps lying to cover up his mishaps. imo... if he gets busted messaging her, he should come clean about everything like kissing/sex/feelings for her so that you and him could fix the problems, but if u find out he is still lying what's the point?? that means he is not ready to be honest and make things better.
    gwen20

    Answer by gwen20 at 12:01 AM on Jan. 15, 2011

  • Did he admit this to you, or did you 'catch him? IF you 'caught' him, how did he react when you confronted him? What exactly is a texting affair? Was it sexual in nature or just talking? I think if he admitted it, or at least did not deny it when you confronted him, he is probably pretty sincere. Either way, only time will tell if he will repeat the behavior. If he really is sorry, he won't. It is time to work on your relationship, figure out why he was going to her. Usually it is because they feel they are lacking something at home, and not always sex either. If you guys talk things out and really try to mend things, it is very possible to re-build the trust. It takes time, but it can get better.
    Allie428

    Answer by Allie428 at 12:31 AM on Jan. 15, 2011

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