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My DS told me pre-k teach told him he was being hateful......

I know that hateful really isn't a bad word. But, I am trying to teach DS to use less hurtful words, so hate is a word we don't use at home. I'm not sure how I feel about teacher using it to describe a behavior from him. I really think his teacher is doing a pretty good job so far, this is her first year teaching so I don't want to stir things up for her too much. So I guess my real question is "Should pre-k teachers be able to tell children they are being hateful and since mine did should I say anything?"

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:11 AM on Nov. 13, 2008 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Answers (9)
  • what was he doing that she called "hateful"?

    name calling? hitting? taking things away from other children? IMHO those are all expressions of hate so I do not think "hateful" is the wrong word in that case.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:12 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • To the best of my knowledge he wasn't doing anything hateful. He said it was about a game. He doesn't hit, kick, bite, scratch, or throw things. He may on occasion raise his voice or throw a temper tantrum but rarely ever strikes out at another child without being seriously provoked to do so. (noting that behavior is not acceptable even if seriously provoked). So honestly I don't know the action she was describing,

    Answer by love2bemommy03 at 2:16 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • did you ask her? if not, ask her

    young children never think they are doing wrong. 99% they won't tell you when they are bad, why would they, it just gets them in trouble.

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:21 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • hateful is a pretty strong word, I guess I'm looking at it this way. Your not supposed to tell kids that they're bad or even being bad because if they hear it enough they start seeing themselves as bad. Now if you replace the word "bad" with "hateful", isn't it worse? I think if your son is having a behavior problem then, yes, you should correct it, but I also think you should talk to the teacher and ask her to figure out a way to bring his poor behavior to his attention without having to attack his character. 

     Just my opinion :)


    Answer by Lornamay at 4:16 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • Exactly Lornamay, She should have addressed his particular behavior instead of attacking him as a person and I do think that you should address that with her.

    Answer by Kimebs at 7:11 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • If this were my son I would call the teacher and set up a time to see her in person. I would tell her, in person, that I was concerned about our conversation we had regarding my son's behavior that she described as being "hateful." I would tell her I want him to be successful at school, that I value her imput, and I need clear and specific examples of behaviors he displays that are "hateful." I would ask her to give several examples or clarify if this was only one incident. Then I would listen. First year teacher or just about to retire - I would tell her that her snyntax and use of the word hatefull was unsettling with me. I then would thank her for talking to me and let her know I will talk with my son. I would also ask what she plans on doing to help my son be a better friend and student in the class. Put it back on her.

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:43 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • Well I would look at the tech. of the wording. I know that sounds bad, but if she said he was "being" hateful, then I would bring it up, because takin by a child she was basically calling him hateful, but if she said " acting" hateful then I wouldn't put to much to it she was just describing a behavior, and in some ways teaching that "acting hateful" isn't nice. If your bothered by the word "hateful" Then as his parent you are within your rights to let her know you would rather her use a different word. Be careful in your wording and how much your son hears on this subject,you still want him to respect his teacher. :)

    Answer by Izzyscrazymom at 10:45 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • 1) talk to the teacher about your child... find out what happened in general
    2) tell the teacher your child now wonders what hateful is. Ask if there might be other words we could brainstorm on to describe this behavior? Disobedient? Not nice?

    Teacher friend of mine told me you never want to speak the negative word... always positive.

    Example: Stop whining please. I don't like the whining. (re-enforces you understand exactly what they are doing.) Instead: Big girl voice please. I don't hear you.

    So ask the teacher that while your child might have done something that was indeed hateful, perhaps there's another word to describe it? Johnny, what you did wasn't nice.

    I personally wonder if the teacher was having a bad day?

    Answer by lynnard at 2:30 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I really appreciate all of your answers on this. DS is one of the few children that does tattle on himself when he misbehaves, at least when he does it outside of home. Now at home is a different story, I could have watched him put an entire roll of toilet paper in the sink to watch it swell as the water ran over it and if he thought no one was looking he will deny, deny, deny. But outside of home I think he feels that everyone is watching so he rarely tries to keep out of trouble in those situations. In this case his exact words were "Mommy Ms. (TEACH) told me I was being hateful about the game today, I wasn't trying to be mean." He recognized the word hateful as a "bad word" and I believe it made him uneasy. He said he wanted to play and cried when the other kids didn't want to let him. I am going to talk with Teacher about this situation. I was feeling as though I may be practicing the over protective mom role.

    Answer by love2bemommy03 at 2:00 AM on Nov. 14, 2008

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