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I dislike my stepson.

He is now 13, I've known him since he was 7 and he is just so so so weird. I've tried everything to get him to break out of his shell, and be more talkative a friendly. He is very hard headed with everyone, even his father (which I doubt it's really even his son) (but thats a whole different story) and so now he's getting to be smart butted and rude and does not want to listen or obey...is as if u say something to him and he purposely does not listen to piss u off. I how ever put my foot down, this is my home and if u would like to be a part of it (which I want him to be) that's fine, but u will behave in a certain manner and if not, u r not welcome here. And so because he does not want to be repremanded of have rules he prefers to not come. So I've gotten to the point where i feel like, good, Im glad ur not coming, ur not my problem, but at the same time I feel bad, what do i do. My husband says, he's older now, and does not want to be here and bored, but i KNOW the real reason, and thats because i ride his butt about manners, listening, right thing to do, etc........sigh what do i do??????

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:31 PM on Jan. 16, 2011 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (36)
  • I understand your frustration. It's hard to be a stepparent. I don't agree that a child shouldn't have to change! That's ridiculous! Of course he needs to change his behavior. But I strongly recommend that you disengage yourself from this as much as possible. Go to family counseling and see if your husband and his son can work on things. 13 is a tough age, but one in which he really needs his father. He absolutely should be required to respect you and your home, and you're right to think of the example to your own child, but disengage. Nagging isn't necessary, just have dad give consequences. It would be best for your husband to find better ways to discipline, which is why I recommend family counseling.
    I really disagree with you about illness though. My stepchildren are welcome sick or not, even when my son was an infant. It's their other home. I think it's good for kids to know daddy can also care for them.
    JoeliePoelieMom

    Answer by JoeliePoelieMom at 2:20 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • Do things with him that he likes & gain his love & trust. It's a lot harder being repremanded by a step parent than it is your own parent, it's a lot more annoying.

    I think what you said to him was wrong. That probably really hurt his feelings. A child should ALWAYS be welcome in a parents home. Parents should not have those conditions with their children. I'm sure he feels as if he is not welcome, he can probably sense your dislike for him.

    Instead of always riding his butt, why don't you talk to his bio mother & father & see if the three of you can come up with some kind of discipline that you can all stick with, like taking rights away.

    Anyhow, if you want to have any type of connection with this boy, it's on you. You're the adult here & more capable of putting energy into finding a relationship with him. Even if you don't like it, try doing something with him that HE enjoys & have fun with him.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:42 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I think it is best he not come over if he has a step mom who thinks she can 'ride his butt" about anything. You are not his mother, you are his step parent and you haven't even been in his life for half of it, you don't have the right to treat him this way. The part about you are not sure he is your DH's, well your DH accepts him and he is 13 so that's none of you concern. You have to accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be. You are drving a wedge between father and son and you should be ashamed. This will always be his son but you are one divorce away from no longer being his wife. You need to call him and say sorry for the way you have treated him. That you want to be part of his life and will accept him for who his is. You may have a problem with his manners or behavior but his PARENTS DON'T SO BUTT OUT!!!
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 1:50 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I feel bad for you..i'm close in age to my stepson, we get along good...we both like to pick on dad..
    JazzyJes

    Answer by JazzyJes at 1:43 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • "I think it is best he not come over"

    I COMPLETELY DISagree. A 13 Y/O boy needs his bio dad more than anything...he is only 13...he is not an adult & should not be treated like one.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:45 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • "I COMPLETELY DISagree. A 13 Y/O boy needs his bio dad more than anything...he is only 13...he is not an adult & should not be treated like one"


    My reasons for saying this were not what you think. I think he should not come over if he is going to be treated that way. I have 5 kids, and my Dh is a step dad to 4 of them. If he ever made them so uncomfortable they did not want to be around me then I would step up and say something to my DH. I have posted many times about how my kids come first my DH can be replaced or I can live without him. In this case dad doesnt seem to mind his son being treated this way. So it is probably best his son not come over.

    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:49 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • Remember to he is 13 so he is headed to that age of the unruly children. Ofcourse your going to favor your children more but you can never show that to your step son. That is a step parent rule :)
    aheuszel

    Answer by aheuszel at 2:01 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I have an almost 11 yr old son and what you are describing is almost exactly the way his now FORMER step mom treated him after she had a baby with his father. His father was all fine and cool with the way she was and then one day his son told me what was going on and I told his father who of course denied it was happening. His new wifey poo would never do those things. I took my son and he told his dear ole daddy how he felt and guess what? He divorced her. He was not going to choose one child over another for any woman. And guess who got blamed for the making his son feel badly? For making his son feel alienated? Not him. Oh no. He blamed it on her. His son has forgiven him and tells me he is so glad she is gone. He tells me how his dad bad mouths her now and I know it was in part his fault. I am just glad that bitch is gone and isnt treating my son like crap.
    Be very careful. It can happen to you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:03 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • Sounds like you have had problems with him for awhile. I think it is best he not come over.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 1:40 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • well i think u need to see everyything fom both points make him see it to but anyywayy he is 13 mand does have to listen so if he wont then i guess this is the onlyy right thing to do sometimes doin the right thing is the hardest
    babyy_blue_eyes

    Answer by babyy_blue_eyes at 1:43 PM on Jan. 16, 2011