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Are birthparents the "other" parents to the achild after adoption?

I was reading the post "Do you know what an adoptee desires most of all?" In the post it focused on the on going title battle of "MOM". I am wondering do you ( aparents ) consider your child's bparents their other "parents", and for bparents do you still consider yourself your bchild's "other" parent? I know as an adoptee, I consider my aparents my parents ( I have met my bioparents but I don’t consider them my parents at all). I am also an adoptive mom and I see me and my hubby as our achild's “true/only" parents. What do you all thing? Do you see your achild's bparents as the "other/equal" parents( in the adoption relationship) or bioparents?

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:31 AM on Nov. 13, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (32)
  • i think the parents that RAISE the kid are the parent. they deal with everything therefore being the childs parents... the Bparent gave up the right to be mommy or daddy

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:49 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I agree. I stated before my aparents are the only ones I consider my parents. Even in an open adoption, the child knows who the parents are. But I wonder if some bparents, because they are in an OA and have a role in the child's life, think they are the “other parents" as in rising and making decisions for the child. On another site there were several amoms complaining their child's bmom seeing themselves as the "other" parent and were crossing a lot of boundaries.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:30 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I think maybe every person and situation is different. Because ours are international adoptions, we may never get the chance to know our children's birth families. However, I love them all. I hope my kids will love them, and be thankful for their sacrafices as the get older. Our birth moms are a very real part of who my kids are. Were it not for them, my beautiful babies would not have life. That is huge. So, if just for that and we never meet face to face, YES my kids have two sets of ancestry, and two mothers - equally real and both very necessary in my kids' lives.


    Answer by joy2bamom at 10:41 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I have not adopted yet, but I really like the way that Frogdawg put it: "This isn't about me, it is about my child".....That is the type of adoption I can only hope for someday. I think it's the healthiest for a child when he/she knows where he comes form and how much he is loved.
    I also think it must be incredible helpful for bmom to have communication and not try to pretend like the child never happened. For me, I could never stop wondering about a child that I relinquished to adoption, and it would eat me up not knowing!

    Answer by christyg at 11:27 AM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I dont know of any bmoms I have had contact with who consider themselves to have that kind of a role even in a very open adoption. I'd like to hear from one if there is one reading this question though. Yes, yes we all know our "place" and how we aren't "real moms" anymore. Thanks for reminding us we have no real title or place. But really no I never considered myself any kind of day to day decision maker. Why would I? I have barely even got a picture in the mail let alone talk to any of them.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:15 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I don't think we will have any problems considering our daughter's birthparents as parents. That is who they are. Sharing the title doesn't diminish us in any way. I feel that the more we talk about her Chinese parents openly and comfortably it will help to let our daughter know that she doens't have to be "careful" with our feelings when discussing this topic.

    Answer by DEpley at 1:01 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • Anon 12:15 -- If you read this again, I would love to hear from you and get your perspective. I really want to adopt with an open adoption, and I would love to know from your standpoint, what kind of things could an adoptive family do that would've made it easier for you?

    Answer by christyg at 1:52 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I have 4 adopted kids....all from different families. Over the years, I have come to a place where I refer to my children's b'mom's as their "moms." They aren't confused because their love for my husband and I is secure. We have one fully open adoption, two semi-open (choice of the children's b'moms), and one closed. Yet, all four kids know that when the day ends or when the sun rises, I'm the one there to kiss them.
    Perhaps one of the reasons we have given that "name" to the other moms, though, is that we try very hard to show as much honor as possible to the young women who gave our kids' life. Two of the kiddos were prenatally addicted to drugs/alcohol, another came out of severe abuse...but we still try to give them a sense of pride in their "roots."

    Answer by TeaAnderson at 2:14 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • So the relationship is like a favorite auntie; it's a relationship bond of blood but not like mother/child?

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

  • I hope for your sake you are able to cope with the fact that your child may chose NOT to see you are the "true/only" parents. Isn't that a bit selfish on your part to deny that your child may have an emotional connection to the woman who gave birth to him/her? I'm sorry you seem to be missing out on that sort of connection with your own biological family. For some people it is a fullfilling experience; a missing piece finally found.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:19 PM on Nov. 13, 2008

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