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Should I tell him, I know he technically has a right to know but I don't know if him knowing or not knowing would be best for everyone involved?

Today I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I'm really not in the best place to be having another baby right now but I'm old enough to know that getting pregnant is always a risk. The major problem is deciding if I should tell the father...I know he should be told because its his kid and I know this kid has a right to know his/her father as well but I am no longer with the father - he dumped me and pretty much forgot about me instantly - and when we were together he told me several times how he wasn't in a good place when he had his son and how if he had another kid right now his family would kill him since he is currently living with his folks after his previous relationship ended (his g/f dumped him and kicked him out of their apartment). I don't want this guy in my life, I promised myself I wouldn't have another guy who doesn't care about me in my life forever, I don't want him to think I purposely got pregnant, I don't want him to resent me either for getting pregnant even though I know in my own head that I did not get pregnant on purpose and he is as much to blame as I am. I know people who grew up without both parents and they turned out fine, even my own brother never knew his biological father and he has no intention of ever meeting him. Would it be better to raise this kid on my own or have him/her shuttled between two parents who don't like each other? I'm still hurting over this guy dumping me and I just want to get over him and forget him. What if I tell him and he wants nothing to do with the kid? I know that's unlikely because he is a good father to his 6 year old son but its not impossible for him to react that way either.


Asked by Anonymous at 10:50 PM on Jan. 16, 2011 in General Parenting

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Answers (12)
  • cont

    If he chooses to not be around - fine. Then you would be in the same situation, for all practical purposes as if you didn't tell him, but your conscience would be clear. But on the other hand, he could decide that he does want to be around, and, as you said, he's a good father to his other child. (That also goes back to my first point - think how your kid would feel, growing up without a dad, to track down his dad or find out - and these things do have a way of coming out whether you ever tell or not - there's someone who knows you were with him and will put 2 and 2 together... But think about your kid finding his dad, his dad has this great relationship / good memories with the other kid, but your kid has nothing. Then, your kid finds out it's because you didn't tell him....)

    The Dad's parents reaction is going to be on them. They can choose to react how they want, but not your problem.

    gl whichever you do!

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 11:10 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • Have you tried either not getting in to bed with your latest man or using birth control...... two if necessary. This would avoid that entire issue.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:52 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I was raised by a mother and my father never wanted me. Dont think about him, or you, think about the child. Will this person be a good father or will he hurt this child emotionally as this little one grows up? To be honest, id have rather never known my real father than to be shipped to him once a month every summer (he lived in another state) who hated me and emotionally and physically hurt me because he didnt want me and my mother had to because he has rights as my dad no matter what, hIm adult now and with a child of my own and i guess thats how i percieve it with my child. I wouldnt want my child growing up that way. If you think he will step up and be a loving good father, even though not living with you, and that they will have a good relationship then yes id tell him. But if you think in any way that this father will do more harm than good to this baby than it is your right as a mother to protect your child at all cost

    Answer by Bobbysgurl at 11:03 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • this is a real personal decision, you are gonna get all kinds of answers of other peoples opinions. & sure he has a right to know, but u know this guy & no one on here does. so you know what type of stuff you will have to deal with & go thru. & its honestly up to you. maybe if you do decide to tell him, just let him know u feel he had a right to know, & he can take this info how ever he wants, & if he wants nothing to do with u or the child then u dont want your child around someone who feels that way anyways, & u feel relieved getting the info off ur chest. & now he knows. so move on. but like u said, maybe he'd want to be there 4 the child. again, only u know what type of guy he is. take that into consideration & you'll reach a decision.

    Answer by hellokitty1978 at 10:56 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • If you don't like the guy then don't tell him until after the child is born and then only through the courts for custody and child support

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:03 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • Oh this is a tough one.  Well, for starters, many men walk away and there are plenty of women out there who are perfectly capable of raising children on their own without help from anyone.  Just my opinion.  I can't tell you what to do, just offer my support.  So here I am, support offered.  :)


    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 10:52 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I would tell him, and then let that be the deciding factor. You don't have to do the work for him to be a Father, he does.

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 10:54 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • i def think he has a right to know but also see your hang up. Maybe wait until youve had more time to heal? not really sure. Im sure you wont ever allow this to happen again so im not going to be self righteous like the PP. *hugs* ps... good for you for wanting to do whats best and taking responsibility! You are a brave woman, i truly hope a good man comes along for you.

    Answer by sarlove01 at 10:57 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • I can only imagine what your going through right now and what emotions are scattered around in your thoughts, but i do think that you should tell him that your pregnant. If you doesn't want anything to do with the child then at least you tried and you can feel better about the situation yourself knowing YOU did the right thing. Some people so grow up without a father and then want nothing to do with them but thats only because they were never there so whats the point in them doing anything or trying now, ya know? but for the child i think he or she has the right to know his father or the oppurtunity at least to know his father. Hope my opinion helps.

    Answer by Mommy91410 at 10:58 PM on Jan. 16, 2011

  • @anonymous - I was using birth control but even with birth control there is still a risk, like I said I know there is always the chance of getting pregnant whenever you have sex but I've been having sex regularly since my last child was born (she'll be 5 in 2 weeks) without any issues

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:59 PM on Jan. 16, 2011