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How would you deal with such a situation (kind of long) adult content

OK to begin with I have the least romantic husband in the world.He had never done any of those romantic stuffs even not in the initial years of our marriage.( our courtship period was of 1-one and a half month). I tried to behave maturely.I showered all my love & affection on him, I was a virgin till the day of our marriage & he's the first & last person to touch me. It always hurt me that he could enjoy with his friends or his elder brother but I shuttle b/w my job & home, he has his own job but likes to take a break on week ends which obviously I'm not supposed to take b'coz home & family comes first for me.Its always me who wants to spend time with him, I've never noticed him craving for my company which I always did,he believes its immature for me to expect compliments or kisses or any such things which I feel can make me feel special for him.But now after almost three years of marriage & a kid situation has only become worse.I am now completely indifferent to him.I don't like kissing him or cuddling with him.I have stopped initiating sex as it was always his feelings first.If he wanted to have it he will have it, if he didn't he would not. My feelings never mattered to him altho' he says that they mean a lot to him.Now I really feel worthless. But I know one thing for sure that he would be least bothered about it. ?Even if I want to talk to him concerning the situation, he blows off saying I'm not happy with him etc etc but he don't try to change.Even I feel that if we love someone we should love the person as he is, we should not try to change him, but then why am I frustrated to this extent.Can some one suggest some solution to fix everything.But yes one thing is for sure that I still love him & cannot even imagine to live separately from him.Plz no bashing. give honest advice


Asked by Anonymous at 12:21 AM on Jan. 17, 2011 in Relationships

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Answers (10)
  • Hugs! My hubby is not the "lovey-dovey" romantic type either, and yes there are still some days when it does bother me. BUT I have to remember that he has always been that way, I knew that from day 1 and I chose to be with him anyway. I have learned over the past 22 years that I CAN'T change him, but I CAN change myself and how I approach the situation. I have learned that if I want him to kiss me I either have to start it, or say something to him so he knows I want a kiss- he is not a mind-reader. I do think you need to talk to him again, and get the communication going, listen to each other and try to come up with some ideas on how to get thru this.... you both may have to do some compromising. Marriage counseling would be a good idea as well. If he refuses then you may want to consider counseling on your own, and see what you can do for yourself to make yourself feel better. Good luck!!

    Answer by MizLee at 3:14 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Marriage counseling if you truly want to try and make it work, because clearly you can talk till you're blue in the face and he's not going to listen. Maybe a neutral 3rd party is what's needed here. Good Luck!

    Answer by ba13ygrl1987 at 12:27 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • Now that you're not showering him with hugs and kisses he's starting to realize something is wrong. You need to be your own woman, do things with friends, don't be at his beckon call, make him want you. It's your life too!

    Answer by Kathy675 at 12:29 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • My honest opinion ... you married a selfish and emotionally handicapped man and you knew it when you married him .... maybe hoping or expecting that it would change, you set yourself up for this. Now I don't mean that you deserve it just because you chose it - that's not the case. But as far as a "solution to fix everything" -- there is no easy answer -- counseling is a place to start and working on yourself is another. You can't change him, but you can change you.
    You sound 'beat down' --- and you gotta get yourself into counseling rather he goes or not. Good luck to you.

    Answer by ShelbyShareAlot at 12:30 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • Sounds very similar to my relationship. Almost identical actually except my husband was amazing the first year we were together!! He would tell me he loved me all the time, give me hugs and kisses, say nice things, etc. But almost like a flip was switched he changed. Shut everything off but by then I was already in love and kept telling myself (and still do) that he will go back to that if only I can make him love me like that again. But I have tried everything and it only gets worse. I have no advice or words of wisdom because I cannot fix my own marriage, but just know you are not alone! We can't make them be the person we want. I have realized I just have to deal with how the way things are or get out. I hope things get better for you!!! Good luck!

    Answer by ILoveCade at 12:30 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • Your husband was this way when you married him, you made that choice. I don't want to come off as being insensitive but you said so yourself that he has always been this way. At this point your only option is to either continue to be miserable or leave him, some will suggest counseling but counseling will not work unless both people involved want things to change and your husband has no desire to change. If you want to be happy than do the things that make you happy, but it seems from what you wrote that the things that would make you happy are not things that your husband would be happy about. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope things get better for you but honestly there isn't much you can do to change a man once he's set in his ways.

    Answer by anon1986East at 12:53 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I too, will suggest marriage counseling. He can hear about your needs ALL day long from you and if that hasn't helped, then he needs to hear it from someone else. If that's not something he will do then try buying the book "His needs, Her needs". They may even have it at your local library that you can check out and read a chapter or so of it to him in bed at night. My DH and I used to do that. Best wishes! Most men don't come into marriage knowing exactly what a woman needs so they have to learn over time. Just be patient and loving w/him.

    Answer by etexmom at 1:13 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • YOu just have to deal with it. He is who he is, hasn't pretended to be otherwise, and he's been consistent the whole time. It hurts, I'm sure, but you didn't go in not knowing who he is, right? You just have to deal, I'm sorry.

    Answer by SandyHack at 2:04 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I married at a young age I had 8 children with this man he was not really romantic when I married him but we were in love after i married him he became what I would call a mental abuser i could never do anything right no matter how hard I tried. I loved the man but hated being told how stupid i was I don't believe in divorce so i stuck it out recently he found out he was diabetic then he found out through counciling that he is also bipolar which explained alot. he was put on meds which turned him into a zombie he just didn't care about anything any more, personally this may sound odd but I liked him better the other way so did his children. The dr finally found a med that was right for him and it's amazing the change. Love is a decision not a feeling. you love your child right could she ever do anything to make u love her less.I doubt it so thats the way a marriage should be too. unconditional love is hard but it is worth it

    Answer by Die4Jesus at 4:21 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • A solution to fix everything? How about 'grow up'?

    Seriously... you know this is not a romantic man. Lots of people aren't. That was fine when you said yes, but was that 'yes' just the short answer that continued 'if you change into the fantasy man who has never existed anywhere on the planet and I've never met, but I feel I deserve and think you could become'?

    You are frustrated because you 'know' something you're currently refusing to accept: you either accept and love people for who they actually are or you don't. It's not half of one and 2/5th of the other. It's appreciation OR criticism.

    You either love someone --that's a verb, by the way, love is what you DO, not how you feel-- and appreciate them for who they actually are, how they really act, what they really think, or you hold them (or yourself) hostage to some impossible fantasy.

    Honestly: do you want to be happy? Learn gratitude, and how to love.

    Answer by LindaClement at 12:29 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

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