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In regards to adoption discussions within Cafemom (only Cafemom as I have not encountered this elsewhere) I have seen/heard more than my fair share of *mostly* birth mothers saying that an adoptive mother is jealous of the birth mother because of the "special bond" the child has with her or the fact that she didn't give birth to the child or whatever other reason that involves the child. I realize I do not speak for all, but as an adoptive mother I do not understand why this is said, or even thought, as I am not at all, in any way, jealous of what they may/may not have/have had with their birth mother that they may/may not have with me.

Through the years I've just figured it was the birth mother speaking out of jealousy toward the adoptive mother. I have had no other way to rationalize it because, again, *I* have never felt jealousy toward them so I could not understand where they be getting such a thing?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:13 AM on Jan. 17, 2011 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Bond? I say they will always be connected. I think it is really a very broad statement or thought that all adoptees feel this special pulling connection to their birth parent. I think so many factors are involved. My hope is that one day he will find his family of origin - that could be his siblings, his birth mother, her sisters and brothers. I would like him to have the opportunity to decide for himself what type of relationship and connection they have. That is between them. I do my best to raise him with an open heart and mind so he will be ready to meet them on his own terms. Relationships are what you make them. My son and I have a "special" relationship but only time will tell. Perhaps he will one day reject me. I can't control that. And I can control my thoughts and feelings about his birth mother. The only overwhelming feeling is concern that she will be appropriate with him while he is young.


    Answer by frogdawg at 9:57 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I can honestly say I am not jealous of my son's birth mother. I am more greatful really to have good mental health, to have had educational opportunities, to have a wonderful partner and stable relationship, family and friends who remain supportive, a career that allows me to earn money for my family, a home to return to, a car that runs.....all the things that contribute to the over all well being of my family and myself. In contrast, my son's birth mother never had those opportunities. Simply by being born into the circumstances of her family she didn't have access to resources and educational opportunities that I did. I didn't grow up wealthy (or even really solidly middle class) but I still did have some advantages that opened doors. It concerns me that when my son does meet his family of origin he will feel out of place and uncomfortable.  I hope they are not uncomfortable with him.


    Answer by frogdawg at 9:42 AM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I personally, have never felt 'jealousy' towards my twin sons Mother, as a person:) I never had the pleasure to meet her, nor hear the wonderful stories of their days growing up, so it is extremely difficult to feel an emotion when one has not met that person:) I hope this makes some sort of sense? Now, having stated that, at the time 25 yrs ago this year, I was so devastated that I was not allowed to keep my babies that I had fallen in love with...simply because she(their Mom) had $$$, so in a way I suppose you could say I was "jealous" that I was threatened because I was not financially in a BETTER place, and she was. I also do not see where you speak of seeing 'First Moms" stating they feel "Amoms are jealous"...not sure what groups you are reading this from. I suppose, I would have to ask, WHY you feel this bothers you, especially if it is not true to your own self???? Blessings, CJ

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:45 PM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I belong to almost all the active adoption groups here on CM and I haven't read that anywhere that I can remember. Where have you seen this?
    I hear Adoptive moms say that they are glad of their infertility otherwise they wouldn't have the children they do. That doesn't sound like jealousy.
    I do regret relinquishing my boy and wished I'd raised him, so I guess you could say I'm jealous of her. But, the word jealous is so evil sounding and conjures up images of hate. I certainly don't hate my sons amom, there's nothing but love between his afamily and me.

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:30 PM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • I think it is reasonable to assume that SOME adoptive moms are threatened by or jealous of the bond that sometimes exists between birth/natural moms and their children. It helps to explain why some amoms will not allow contact between the child and the birth parents. Plus, some infertile amoms understand the uniqueness of giving birth and might be jealous they are not able to do so.

    Likewise, some birth moms may be jealous that someone raised their child instead of them. I am envious of my son's amom being able to raise him, but, I am not wickedly jealous or have any ill feeling towards her. Likewise, I imagine she may at some time have had some jealously wishing she could have given birth. But, neither of us has let jealously consume us or cause us to behave badly.

    Neither of these kinds of jealously are hard for me to imagine. But, feeling jealousy isn't the problem, but, how you react to it can be.

    Answer by Southernroots at 9:22 PM on Jan. 17, 2011

  • Since my children were not babies when I adopted them, I can admit that I sometimes feel jealous of the baby years that their birthmother spent with them. I feel like I wish it had been me rocking them to sleep and seeing them take their first steps and hearing them say their first words. But I also feel compassion for all the years since that their birthmother has missed: seeing my oldest win her first swim race, seeing my children singing in church, feeling my son run to hug me even though he's 15 years old now, etc. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything!

    Answer by ceallaigh at 11:47 AM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • I think the word Jealous is a term associate with a "hate/negative" feeling.
    There are mothers out there who may feel jealous but they maybe jealous towards a mother who didn't want anything to do with their child(ren) in the first place, therefore there is no bond to be jealous of.
    Perhaps they're jealous of the whole pregnancy process as a whole??
    That is something sacred and special.
    I had to have a forced hysterectomy (due to cancer) if I ever get the chance to adopt, one day, I won't feel jealous towards the woman that gets to have my son/daughter....I will feel blessed that there are such wonderful women out there. :)

    Answer by Missikat75 at 10:58 PM on Jan. 25, 2011

  • Threatened is the word that I hear all the time, not jealous. But it is said in the same context.

    I think most realize that silly that is.

    Answer by 2ndtimewish at 5:42 PM on Jan. 26, 2011

  • I think you can form a bond with a child if you are the one giving birth or the one that adopts.

    Answer by HomeAlone45 at 5:55 PM on Mar. 2, 2011

  • I haven't adopted yet but in the future my husband and I would like to do foster care and adopt. I can't imagine being 'jealous.' However, I'd imagine its different for every woman. Maybe women who have had problems conceiving go through a lot of mixed emotions during the adoption process.

    If anything, I would worry about loving the birth mother and wanting her to be a part of our lives...I could never not love a woman who gave me a child, whatever her problems.

    Answer by metalhealthmom at 6:05 PM on Mar. 2, 2011