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How best to describe/define stepmom relationship to 6 yr old?

I'd like to clarify my role/relationship with my 6yr old stepson. It's apparent from conversation/questions posed there's confusion. The soure is the BM. She refuses to acknowledge my role - Introducing my ex as the boy's Dad then me by name only - not, there stepmom, or ex's fiance. She's described me to my 6yr old stepson as her friend - great initial definition - before I became dad's fiancee but a much clearer, more defined picture could be framed - if she chose. I've asked my stepson his thoughts about the relationships to gauge his understanding - he's extremely smart - yet had no idea how I connect with Dad, or him. He's embraced the concept of stepbrothers, a start.

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SLS2011

Asked by SLS2011 at 12:20 PM on Jan. 18, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 4 (49 Credits)
Answers (15)
  • I dont think i would define it. It will grow and change over time. I would tell him how much you love his father and how much you love him and that you will always be there for him. That you in no way plan on replacing his mom nor do you want him to call you mom... but that you will love him just the same. I would keep it open ended so it has room to grow and change as the years go on.


    A mom doenst have to define her role... and neither should you.  He just needs to be reasured that you love him and that you are NOT going to replace his mom.

    sahlady

    Answer by sahlady at 12:25 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • I dont think i would define it. It will grow and change over time. I would tell him how much you love his father and how much you love him and that you will always be there for him. That you in no way plan on replacing his mom nor do you want him to call you mom... but that you will love him just the same. I would keep it open ended so it has room to grow and change as the years go on.


    A mom doenst have to define her role... and neither should you. He just needs to be reasured that you love him and that you are NOT going to replace his mom.



    ^*****^
    Best answer, right there!
    khf22

    Answer by khf22 at 12:26 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • Explain simply what marriage is and then what a fiancee is. Then you can explain the names used after the marriage. Break it down into simple concepts and repeat it if he has questions or doesn't understand. GL
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 12:27 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • I would just go with your relationship with him - doing the things with him that you would do. But, when you talk about family relationships just in the natural course of things, you can say things like "I'm so glad I get to be your step mom - I love you so much!" that sort of thing. If he asks about it, or about step parents, then I would say something like he has a mommy and a daddy, and you are daddy's wife, and how he's very lucky to have so many people who love him...

    But you might be surprised at how much he actually already is aware of, and just takes in stride so he doesn't think to talk about it or anything like that.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 12:38 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • there are plenty of children's books on this topic. I have seen them at the book store. Check the library too. Go look through them and find one that feels right to share
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:40 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • Well first of all, you are not his step mom, you are dad's fiance'. I think the way she introduces you is fine because when she is introducing you to someone, it is probably more about introducing your fiance' then you, she is just not being rude by not mentioning you.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 3:39 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • On the research info - great advice!! Also love the idea of allowing the relationship to blossom and flourish. Very adult-like and positive. It's the way I have and will approach things. Family Tree idea is fabulous!!! Acknowledgement (@Anonymous) is not about ego. Indifference is projected to create interference, as a form parental alienation. The result and impact - unproductive. I too am a BM..... I really have to much life to live to concern myself with the details of my ex's personal life outside of its affect on my children.
    SLS2011

    Comment by SLS2011 (original poster) at 4:30 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • Explain to the child that you will be marrying his father and that will make you his SM, you love him and his dad very much. When you introduced by your name when you shake the person's hand just say "I am Joe's fiancee." That will make BM look bitter as it appears she is. I adopted my SS and his Bio-grandparents still introduce me as "Matthew's wife." I just remind them, I adopted my SS, I am his mom.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 5:15 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • SLS2011, her not introducing you as his fiance' is not a form of parental alienation 1 because it has nothing to do with the child and 2 this is not your child. You really need to learn to pick you battles, so she doesn't introduce you as his fiance', get over it. Who is she introducing you to anyway?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:57 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • I am trying to figure out how it is the mothers job to explain who you are to the kid.  Seems like that is something your fiance should be doing.  The mom called you her friend at first and that is what you were before becoming the fiance.  Now dad should be talking to his child about you and your role.  He brought you into the childs life it is his job to make you and the child feel comfortable with that.  Feels like you are looking for trouble when there isn't any. 

    FricknFrack

    Answer by FricknFrack at 4:52 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

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