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4 Bumps

OverBearing Grandparents

Ok here it goes!! When i was 18 i had a baby and my parents were very supportive and helpful and wonderful. They wanted to be aprt of my childs life and wanted us to live with them and wanted to watch my son. My mom did not work so she was able to help and be there for me. The father was not in the picture and is still not in the picture and will never be. I started school and did that most day all day. Then I needed to find a job which i did and worked and went to school. Needless to say my son spend a lot of time with his grandmother. Rememebr she wanted him there with her. I never dated anyone i never brought anyone home anything like that. I a cople of years later met a man and started dating him he was not the most straigh arrow guy and had some hard knocks in life but he liked kids and was very nice to mine. He was the nicest sweetest guy with old people and kids and dogs . We eneded up getting married and bought a house. Before that we lived in an apt and both worked at the same place same times so when we worked my mom would watch my son and we would do drop off in the morning and pick up at nights. He would stay some nights with my parents when we worked late. It seemed to work My son was potty tranied, sleep in his own bed and ate human food lol. After we got married and bought our house things changed for the worst our relationship fell apart and substance abuse problems rered there ugly head and he started to with draw from my son. I was going to school full time he worked full time and my mom took it apon her self to take my son more and more with werid school time and i fell into a bad place. He started not wanting to come home with me and more and more drama. Me and my husband hit a breaking point and things got physical. I struggled with what to do . I being young and stupid wanting not to admit defeat when back to him things got really good for a couple of months . Then my parents decided they were just going to complete take my son and not give him back to me that lasted a week and we fell apart again . To make a long story short there I got a job and moved home with my parents and got a divorce. Moving home did not change anything. The fight was on . On how and what should be done with my son . I was alway wrong and underminded about everthing. I know i made soem bad choices and said some not so nice things but i have never harmed my son. My parents say im unfit and horrible and that he just need to stay with them and leave everything as it is. I met someone else a year later and he is the real deal and wonderful he is my calming half and i could not image a life with out him. He travel alot and i was not happy at my job so i quite and he supported me someone but that is how me and him wanted it. I would spend a week with him and week at home with my son over summer . It was aot of travel for me and time away from him but i felt like when i was there i was not important to my son and in the wayof my mother. Me and my BF found out we were having a baby in April and are both very happy about it. Very Very happy. He found another job where is dose not have to travel and makes good money. It was just 7 hours away from my parents. They would not let my son come with me and he did not want to come he is 5 and tells me he dosent want to leave. They told me just to leave him alone and move on with out him. Me and my BF have moved and i have trying to move on but i just cant do it. I need some honest helpful advice on what to do

 
Whitney810

Asked by Whitney810 at 10:04 PM on Jan. 18, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 6 (105 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • I have been in a similiar situation, where I had my son when I was young and his dad's parents watched him while I worked and went to school... They decided they wanted to keep him, and slapped me w/ an emergency petition for custody. I had no time to get a lawyer, and lost custody of my son due to allegations of drug/alcohol abuse (with NO PROOF AND NO WITNESSES!!!) I finally got it overturned, but it was a horrible time for all of us. My son is now 13 and perfectly fine and happy.

    My 1st suggestion: If possible, GET MARRIED!!! It looks better than you living with your bf.(no offense, but it does) Just go to the courthouse and get it done quickly.
    #2- Take the police and get your child! ASAP! The longer you wait, the worse it will look when/if you do go to court.
    TIFFANYT1432

    Answer by TIFFANYT1432 at 2:47 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • It sounds like they are overbearing for a reason. You do not always seem to have his best interest in mind and they are trying to protect him. You LET him stay there, you know he is safe and he is happy so I would just leave well enough alone. If you take him from them at this point he is going to be resentful.
    Melbornj

    Answer by Melbornj at 10:32 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • If you have custody just go take him back, the sooner the better. We got my son (I adopted him) when he was 3 and once he got used to being with us he doesn't even ask about the GPs. They don't have contact but, that is a whole other post. If you want to avoid your parents, just go get him from school.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 12:47 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I would think long and hard about this. You seem to want to take him from the grandparents home when that has been the only home he has known for 5 years, they have been the primary care takers. Then you want to move him into a home with a new step-father and soon to be new baby. He could easily end up feeling like he doesn't matter and all you care about it you new hubby and baby. He clearly has a relationship of trust and is bonded with his grandparents and it isn't fair to take that away. I am not saying you should just give away your son- no way! You are his mother and the lifelong impact of not being with your mother is undeniable. I would look for some compromise and middle ground with your parents, and maybe start having him come to spend time with you at your house, and find ways your parents can support that like being on the same page when it comes to rules, schedule, etc so it's easier for him to go back and forth.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:43 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • What I would do: transition the child slowly. And even counseling would be helpful. For a professional to assist in your son's comfort level with you being his full time mom. While your parents are wrong in "keeping" your child from you and saying you can't have him they are not wrong in everything. At this point they have raised him and your child feels like THEIR child. They love him. You asked them to love and care for him. This bond was the result. Your child knows only them, in all due respect, as his primary care givers. Of course he is scared to be pulled away from what is basically his parents. But that doesn't give your parents the right to just keep him. So it leaves all of you in a mess. Your parents also have legitimate concerns given your past history. Girl, you should too.  My suggestion is this: if you want your son to be with you, as the primary care giver and THE MOM,

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 3:22 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • hire a counselor to do the transition. Move into your own place. Live there just you with your son transitioning. Your relationship with your child should be more important than the relationship with some man. Period. This is not the time to set up house and get to know this person as a partner while at the same time establishing a new role and relationship with your child. Pick one. Pick your child for God's sake. If you can't really do that you really are not ready to be your child's mother. After a transition has been made (most courts do a one and two year transitions) then start working on a lasting relationship with a partner.  Yes, your parents are wrong in saying your child can't live with you because legally that is crap (unless they have legal gardianship).  But they are doing it for all the right reasons. 

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 3:26 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Wow, I'm sorry. I would Try to make up with and thank your parents, they have done a wonderful job. However he is your son and your life is stable now. He should be with you if you want him to be. You have to make up with your parents though because they will feel like their own child has been taken from them and you want them to feel welcome to visit. Good luck, it will be a rough road but you have conquered more than that.
    mrs.coop

    Answer by mrs.coop at 10:12 PM on Jan. 18, 2011

  • Wow that is going to be a serious but necessary shift for him. He is YOUR child plain and simple. Your parents can not stop you from taking him home with you. I would tell them you are coming to pick him up on a certain date and if need be with a police officer as well. They can choose to make it easier on him by cooperating with you. He will get used to it in no time.

    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 4:40 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Seems like this is a wait and see type of thing. You need to gain the trust of your son (and some extent your parents) back in terms of this is a long term stable relationship. Your parents are attached to your son and he is to them- they are all protecting themselves from another roller coaster. As hard as it is- you should probably make regular visits with your son and allow things to work themselves out. If in a year you are still stable and things are going well, maybe that is the time to work on having your son back full time. Life has its ups and downs and I get that you have had yours-but your son has been along for the ride too and he probably needs to know its going to last this time before he feels good about re-entering your life full time.
    soyousay

    Answer by soyousay at 8:39 AM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Do they have legal custody of him? If not, I would go get him with the police. If they do have legal custody. Then get an attorney because the fight will be on! My husband had to fight his ex-wife's father for his son (not his fault) and it cost us about 10K in attorney fees and a year of traveling back and forth.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:34 PM on Jan. 18, 2011