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Dad has dementia, mom got a mini stroke so now there is a family feud as to who will help out

with them. My brother came from out of state to help out. He is now leaving and my mom needs help. My sil who lives 10 mins away said to her I can not help you going to bathroom I work. So I get a phone call early in the morning requesting that I drop everything. I t is so unfair. I was there all last week and I live 2 and half hours away out of state. What should I do? My brother said he is going crazy there 24/7 thank goodness I was there last week to help him. The others just coast on by with no family schedule and no direction. The usual comment is we work. Help anyone what should I say or do?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:51 AM on Jan. 19, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • tell them to do their part. someone has got to give you break. you and your brother can not do everything. and no one wants to put a loved one in a care facility. so you need to get everyone together and even if you make it sound like a get together or something just to get everyone there and then get everyone in a dicussion. even if you have to break out a calendar and say ok il take this week you take this week. you do these mornings or evenings and something along those lines. it has to be done or you guys will be pitching in for the bill for nursing care if they dont have the insurants to cover it.

    Answer by laura970 at 10:20 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I'd look into assisted living or a visiting nurse. Sounds like everyone is too busy or too far away (& some a little too unwilling) to be able to do what is needed. It sounds like would be a lot for just 1 or 2 to handle unless they lived there. Sorry you are all faced with these choices. Aint getting old a "you-know-what"?!  Good luck


    Answer by mrsmom110 at 9:57 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • honestly if its becaming this much of an issue have thought about care homes? or in home health aids? sorry to hear about your parents

    Answer by cara124 at 9:57 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • We are having similar issues. I am a SAHM so I MUST be able to drop EVERYTHING and be there to help. I am doing nothing else right? It is a grandparent situation. My FIL lives in the house next door to the sick family members and does not work but does nothing to help. I live 40 minutes away. I have kids with school activities and doc appointments. I was told to reschedule my son's appt to see if he had strep because help was needed there. Really?! Now they are mad at me because I chose to take my kid to the doc instead of rushing over there when FIL was right there within walking distance.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:02 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • well me and my husband just dealt with something similar to this. my husbands grandmother lives in arizona and had a bit of dementia and needed some help with getting groceries and cooking and just getting around a bit. well her daughter (my husbands mother) lived just a block away and my BIL lived less than 5 mins away. me and my husbnad live 2000 miles away in wisconsin. well we came down to visit and somehow got roped into staying. so we went home and closed up our house and came back needless to say the when we got back she had fallen while we were gone and when we came back my MIL dropped her off from the hospital and that same day went on a cruise. we were there for over a year with NO help. im talking NO phone calls, NO visits, NO time off NOTHING. Grandma was very thinkful and did her best to help us out. but because of all of this we almost lost our house and had to pull it out of foreclosure and lost our RV, cont.

    Answer by laura970 at 10:08 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Similar problem here when my dad was alive. I so know where you are coming from. I live over an hour away from my mother. My bro and sis live around 15 to 20 mins away. I work weekends so I do try to help take my mom to the doc, do errands for her, etc. during the week. I can't do it every week because I also have kids, schedules, all that stuff. We got together and talked it out. Maybe you or the oldest sibling should call a family meeting and work out a schedule or see how much your siblings are willing to contribute money wise to paying help. I hope your mom gets better and I also hope your siblings realize how much stress this has to be putting on her since she can't help take care of your dad now.

    Answer by Alamama at 10:12 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • and our motorcycle, and thousands of dollars. with two family member less than 5 mins apart and the MIL being a nurse that works at the Mayo clinic. not only that but not once did the MIL come to see her two grandkids and when it came to birthdays and christmas she didnt even come by to give the presents she SENT them via mail. In the end we still never got anything back not even a thank you except from his grandmother. so i fully belive that it is up to those family members that live close by and everyone should pitch in and help it cant be one person all the time you guys need to all help and give eachother breaks. its very emotionally draining and pysically tireing.

    Answer by laura970 at 10:13 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Thanks Ladies. Any more suggestions or advice would be gratly appreciated.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:00 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Wow I guess I am not the only one but I can not believe the indifference of the four siblings and in laws. We were supposed to have a family meeting and it never ever happened. The nonchalant attitude is amazing. What should I say to my brother that called? I wasnted to go on Sunday but they are acting as if I have to leave now and I can not do that right away. What should I say?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:16 AM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Last year my MIL broke her leg when she slipped on some ice outside. My SIL lives next door and the her daughter live less than 5 minutes away & work in healthcare. Yet, my husband still used every bit of his vacation time (3 weeks) and worked "from home" (MIL's house) as much as he could because no one else could not be bothered with staying with her. If the illness was permanent, as in your case, we would have to secure care for her with a nursing home or something.

    Answer by scout_mom at 10:37 AM on Jan. 19, 2011