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2 Bumps

Is it better when the other parent is not involved?

My sons father lives in NC, we live in MD, he has no contact with my son, but I receive child support every 2 wks (court ordered). He is 5 now and has started asking questions, like "do I have a father?" I told him yes, everyone has a father, he then said "well where is he?" I told him in North Carolina...he then said "well why doesn't he see me, he didn't want me in his family or something?" My herat broke but I tried to explain that everyone, man/woman has a choice and he has chosen not to do what is right and be a good dad. My instinct was to call him and tell him what is he going to do ....my friends all tell me him not being involved is a "blessing in disguise". But how do I see the blessing when my son is feeling rejected?

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2boyz2pray4

Asked by 2boyz2pray4 at 12:38 PM on Jan. 19, 2011 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 13 (1,014 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I understand your frustration and heartbreak.  It's only good if you want it to be and obviously it's not a blessing to you when your child is responding like this.  Have you tried calling his dad and talking to him about this?

    MrsHouston47302

    Answer by MrsHouston47302 at 12:40 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Sometimes it is a blessing, sometimes it is not. When I read this post, it broke my heart. I do not know my father as I am in VA and hes in FL (homeless!!!) MOST Days I am glad that I do not know him, he is a drug addict and alcoholic, i'm sure if i'd known him and kept constant contact as a dad should, I might have ended up like him. As your son isn't going to realize that now, he might later on as he gets older....i didn't realize it til i was 15 when i recieved my first letter from him when he was in prison. Maybe you could shoot him an email, or something letting him know UR Son is curious, but i wouldn't push the issue. be prepared to get a rejection, if he chooses not to want to see him =( i wish u and ur son the best of luck!!!!!
    knicole0708

    Answer by knicole0708 at 12:43 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Either way can be difficult. I'm divorced from my oldest son's father. He did see our son....but wasn't consistent. He would say he was coming, then not show up. So even though his dad was around and told him he loved him, he went through frequent rejection, and drama that was unnecessary.

    The reality is, that we can't always give our children the lives we would like to, so all we can do is give them the best childhood that we can based on the circumstances. Ideally, it's better if the child has two parents that live happily together, but not many kids get that. Be the best mom you can, give him the best childhood you can, and he will be fine. My son is now 28, he chooses not to have much of a relationship with his dad, based on what his dad did. He deserved so much more, but he's a great young man, and I'm proud to be his mom.

    *hugs* to you momma
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 12:43 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • If it's not easy to talk to your son, did you think of inviting a mediator or a pastor into the solution. Using your own home, meet with one of these middle ground -ers to reflect yours and his feelings toward his father, to each other (you and him) and see if the dad is willing to come to a term of some visits. You all need to get his feelings validated now, because it's really a time he'll do more talking. Some real life meetings together on a plan is good now. Good luck, it only takes one or two times to see their sides on things.
    coffeeyum

    Answer by coffeeyum at 12:45 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I agree with your friends. If he was any type of positive role model for your son he would have been a part of his life by now. I'm sure it will be hard for your son to understand and hopefully some day he will have the chance to have a conversation with his father about it. Is there any other men in your son's life that he can spend time with- an uncle or a friend?? If you make contact with the dad you have to be prepared to share custody as well having him involved in making decisions. I'd take some time to really think about it and weigh out the pros and cons before you make a decision.

    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 12:46 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Don't open this can of worms unless you want to spend every summer without your son
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 4:36 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • my "father" was in and out of my life, honestly *I* think i would have felt better if he wasnt in my life at all. either way it goes i wouldnt know him.
    3xangel

    Answer by 3xangel at 10:01 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I stayed in contact with my son's BF until he took off with his new girlfriend to another state to play happy family with their son that was 7 weeks younger than my son. After they left I continued a relationship with my son's grandparents and his bio-sister (dad and ex-wife) I did everything I to make sure that my son had contact with his bio-family. After I spent 3 years trying trying trying and I just gave up. My husband adopted my son and we got on with our lives. My son has contact with BF but, no visits because they live in another state. What is so bad about your son having visits with his father if his father proves that he is going to be around and acts right? Some women think they got pregnant on their own and will probably be telling their children that BF "chose someone else." It may be good for your son to have his father in his life and even if dad proves to be a jerk at least you can say you tried.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:07 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • The only time it is better for the other parent to not be involved is if he would be neglectful/abusive/irresponsible if he/she were in the child's life. IMO any parent who would willingly completely shut themselves out of their child's life would be this bad kind of parent so unfortunately it probably IS for the better. I'm sorry your son is feeling rejected though. :(
    ohbladi

    Answer by ohbladi at 10:34 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • It really depends on what that other parent is like. If the parent can be appropriate and loving then of course it's better for them to be in the child's life. If the parent is abusive, either emotionally or physically, if the parents has alcohol and/or drug problems, if the parent has a lifestyle which would be harmful to the child then sometimes it's better for them not to be involved. You would really have to examine those things to make the decision.
    emilex

    Answer by emilex at 11:47 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

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