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What can I do when my stepson's mother is trying to sabotage me?

I've been having issues with mt SS bio mother. My husband (BF) had custody of him before we met and now has moved into my house after we got married. My SS and I got along great for the first year, then he spent the summer with his mother and our relationship has never been the same since. SS used to ask me all the time to bake cookies for his holiday parties, chaperone class trips, etc which I did enthusiastically. But now, I find notices in his bookbag about these things and he never asks or shows them to me. He did admit to me a few years ago that his mother doesn't like that we (SS and myself) have a good relationship and that it makes her feel as if he doesn't love her anymore. He gives me evil glances once in a while and he doesn't take me seriously as if my authority as a parent is more of a suggestion. I have three daughters, my oldest from a previous marriage and two with my current husband (BF of SS). My SS tries to push my oldest daughter aside from playing with my two little ones primarily because I feel he is trying to eliminate or push aside my daughter and myself from his family. I gave him his own bedroom and put my two little ones in the same room...when I told his BM about this she barked at me that he should have his own room and that he always had his own room...(which is untrue). Just a few days ago we asked BM for baby pictures to send in for his yearbook and also some pictures of my SS and herself together for him to keep (as par the therapist). She send like ten baby pictures and then an entire envelope of pictures from her and my husbands honeymoon.....WTF? And no pictures of her and my SS. She (BM) won't communicate with me...she will only talk to my husband. even when she needs to drop him off at our house..she won't call me to see if I'm available she will just text my husband the day and time eventhough she knows he will be at work. I feel like she treats me like a babysitter eventhough I live with him and have given him a better life. Should I back off and wait for him to accept me or should I confront the situation. Every time I try to talk to my SS about this, he clams up and says he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know what to is affecting our household and I'm afraid it will start to affect my marriage. My SS loves to snuggle with my husband on the couch which I find odd but I don't say anything...he get in between me and my husband if we are standing or sitting next to each other. I back off because I'm afraid of causing a fight but it hurts my feelings and I don't want him to ruin what we have. Any thoughts or suggestion would be wonderful. thank you ladies!!!

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Asked by Allison427 at 2:29 PM on Jan. 19, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • First, have you told you BF about all of this? What you have just told us? He needs to know. You need to solve some of those problems with him first. "I back off because I'm afraid of causing a fight but it hurts my feelings and I don't want him to ruin what we have"

    Next, BF needs to talk to BM about SS's behaviour. That needs to stop. rudeness towards the other children is wrong. As for BM talking to you, she doesn't have too. She doesn't have to call you to pick up SS, she doesn't have to tell you anything...only BF. Sorry but that's the life of a step parent.

    It is sad that she turned like a mad dog though.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 2:33 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • How old is SS? I know he clams up when you try to talk to him about it, but remember that some stuff *does* get through. It might take a really long time to sink your message in, but if you keep at it he may begin to understand.

    I'm sure it's really hard for him. He's conflicted because he loves his mom and he's afraid that being nice to or happy with you will betray her. Obviously this idea was implanted BY BM, but it's there and it's the problem. Ideally, she would talk to him and let him know that it's okay to be nice to you and your daughter, but that obviously won't happen.

    Can DH talk to him? Explain that while he's in your home he needs to behave a certain way and that you aren't trying to replace his mom, but that you'd like to be a part of his life and that you're there for him, etc, etc.... ?

    Answer by LeanneC at 2:41 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Thank you for your responses...My SS is 11 years old. I tried talking to him numerous times that I'm not trying to replace his mother and all he does is put his hand over his mouth and giggle. I don't know what that means. I grew up with sisters so I'm new to pre adolescent boys. Maybe it's his age or a combination of that and being from a divorced home. I'm trying but like I said...I'm new at this so I appreciate your quick responses. I agree that my husband needs to talk to BM about this but it's like talking to wall. He avoids convo with her because she always turns it into a fight. But, I'll insist that this needs to happen. Thanks Ladies!!

    Comment by Allison427 (original poster) at 3:12 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I had three step kids and I've been through the same thing ure going through now. They were all boys and their mother told the two oldest to treat me like shit so I would leave their daddy. At first it started with the 5 yr old telling me he wanted me to leave and never come back that he didntlove me any more and that I wasn't his boss he told his father that his mom told him to say that stuff to me once the father talked to his.mother bout it he stopped and once he seen how bad he hurt me and if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have food and all that he realized that he shouldnt treat me that away I talked to him bout it to email me and we can talk more

    Answer by rebecca10 at 3:15 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Ive been through 5 stepmothers and i never really understood the system on why birthmothers do this stuff. My mom let me even goes as far as calling my one stepmom "mommy, and her name" My mothers logic was this, the stepmother is never going to replace the birthmother but its amazing that if someone treats her daughter so well as to her mommy number two than thats great! You hear all these stories of boyfriends and girlfriends abusing their stepsons and stepdaughters and its really sad. My mother never wanted me to get hurt so when a stepmother of mine treated me nice she encouraged it and encouraged me to build a bond as well. Perhaps you could talk to your bf and the bm and say to her in the nicest way, I just want to build a relationship with the two of you, a healthy relationship that doesnt exclude bm. Say to her that you will never replace her but would like to deepen the bond so she can trust you with her son

    Answer by Bobbysgurl at 4:15 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • I have to ask, who was he sharing a room with before? It sounds like his mother is just hurt that you are around her child more then she is. It also seems like he is doing all the stuff to get between you and his father because he already has one parent that he doesn't get to be with that much maybe because of that he wants more attention from him. Also, I don't think the school stuff has to do with you being a sm, for boys, moms or sm are embarassing at this age. Maybe see if he can spend more time with his mom. How often does he see her? Like it or not, she is his mom and is sounds like he needs her

    Answer by JLS2388 at 4:20 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • hi...i also have a step son here and thank GOD that we never been encountered ever's really hard i know but you have to be strong ,i will always be with you thru prayers...

    Answer by neng999 at 4:38 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

  • Thanks Ladies...rebecca10 thank you for your insight. I feel that you having been a stepchild yourself can give step mothers a wealth of information. Your mother has a great tactic. When the time comes for my daughter to have a SM from her father's side, I will remember the benefits you related to me. Bobbysgurl thank you also. My SS sees his mother everyother weekend...she also has two older children from previous marriages. When SS goes to see her he usually bunks with one of them or he sleeps on the couch. I would never try to interfere with his relationship with either one of his parents. I've been collecting info for years on this topic but I seem to get nowhere. I actually started having my husband take hime out for dinner once a week just the two of them. I really appreciate your imput. thank you!

    Comment by Allison427 (original poster) at 5:13 PM on Jan. 19, 2011

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