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How would you handle this

My very best friend amd mother to my godchildren just left an abusive realtionship. She is staying at a shelter for abused women with her children, a boy 5 and girl 21 months. The little boys is having a very hard time and is acting out. I told her I would rather her come here or at least the children due to the circumstances of the shelter. Mind you is in not a very good place for children. Her xdh has no clue where I live for we have just moved and changed our numbers. When I talk to her son he tells me he hates it there hates his daddy and wants to live with me. He says he loves me and misses me. It breaks my heart b/c I know that my dh and I could provide a wonderful loving safe enviroment for the children as well as her. And we could help her get established as a single parent and on her own feet. To make things worse someone at the shelter stole what little $ she had and her sons d.s. That was his favorite toy and kept his mind of things! And someone also stole her dd diapers and their laundry soap. I sent her some $ on a card that requires a pin so it can not be stolen and if its can be replaced. How would you handle this? Everytime we speak she doesnt know what to do and is so lost. And it tears me up to hear the little boy cry for me as well as her and her dd.

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Asked by sunsetbeach81 at 12:41 PM on Jan. 20, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 16 (3,102 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Did you make the offer for her to come? I think you need to if not, if so does she have any family around? Maybe she is considering going back to him? You sound awesome and I can't for the life of me think why she wouldn't take you up on her offer!

    Answer by kimigogo at 12:53 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • If you and your hubby are truly willing and she is willing, then do what you suggested, but keep them all together. Take them in. But lay out clearly what any expectations are. They need a safer place to be.

    Answer by collier5 at 12:54 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Just being honest, I'm not totally clear what the question is here...if you've already offered your home up, and she hasn't accepted the offer, I don't think there's anything else you can do. You can continue to provide support and care, and let her know that your home is open to her and her children anytime, but aside from that, she has to make her own decisions for herself and her children.

    Either way, I'm glad she got out of the abusive situation and wish her all the best.

    Answer by vicesix at 12:54 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • I'm sorry OP. When I clicked it to post my answer, the other 2 answers before mine appeared...did I misunderstand? I thought you said that you had in fact made the offer to her. ?

    Answer by vicesix at 12:55 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • When we spoke yesterday I gave her the choice of coming here. My dh told her the same. We also told her we would help get the children whatever it is they needed. She is going to talk to the caseworker at the shelter. She wants to come here but isnt sure. We have a big home in a mice subdivision. There is enough space. And the school is one of the best. She and I are conrcerned abt her ds getting behind because of where they are at.But the offer is open and she knows it. She said she did not want to inconvience us. I told her she would not in anyway and that I am worried abt the children and her being inconvenced. She wants to come here but needa to talk to the case worker first. Thank you all for your input and please keep the children and her in your prayers.

    Comment by sunsetbeach81 (original poster) at 1:03 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • She has no family. She was taken by cps whe she was 8 and grew up in foster care. I am her "sister" in terms of the heart. We have know each other for a very long time.

    Comment by sunsetbeach81 (original poster) at 1:06 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Well I bet the caseworker lets her come, but you really, really need to be clear with her that the ex CANNOT know where she is,, you don't want anything to happen to you, and if she has been gone awhile, he is probably angrier and angrier,,, maybe he is in jail? I will pray for all of you!

    Answer by kimigogo at 1:09 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • In that case, OP, I stand by my original answer. You've offered, now let her think about it and work it out. She's lucky she has a friend like you. Best to you both.

    Answer by vicesix at 1:14 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • He is in the military and just came back from overseas. That is when the abuse started. He isnt angry any more from what I have heard he is depressed about his actions and losing his family. He is awaiting what the miltary plans to do with the charges. But they all know he is not allowed here what so ever and if she did in fact stay here a restraining order would be issued for this residence against him.

    Comment by sunsetbeach81 (original poster) at 1:14 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • for me beign a victum of domestic violence I know my ex was in the military too, I know when I left he did everyhting he could to get me back and i ran like the wind with out talking to him and still dont talk to him to this day. But you got to think I went back to him several times.... before I got the never to leave and that was 6 years of abuse before I decided to leave and only towards the end I had children..... the last year I was with him, then i had my youngest 6 months after I left him!

    It kinda sounds like she might be thinking about going back..... I would be worried about that, when I was in the shelter, I was able to leave with in days, although they wanted me to have therapy I could leave when ever i wanted! I choose to stay until he was on a plane leaving the state


    Answer by NothinShockin at 1:19 PM on Jan. 21, 2011

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