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How can I deal with a Mouthy step daughter? LONG

I am desperate for answers suggestions or even just comfort!

I have a 7 year old step daughter. Her bio mom is deceased. I have been her mother figure for four years. She is so mouthy and disrespectful toward me. Tells me things like "i hate you" "your not my mom" "i dont have to listen to you" "shut up" "leave me alone" "i want my daddy, Im telling him to move away from you".

I know some of these things seem like normal kids talking back. My 9 year old boy doesn't talk like this and if he did i honestly would slap him. However I can't/won't slap her because she makes it a bigger deal than what it is and will lie. So i leave that up to her dad. When i just texted him (he is at work) and told him he has to do something about the way she talks to me, He says my 9 year old boy is the same way.

Am I crazy?> Do i over look my boy doing this because he is mine? Is my hubby just taking the blame off his "perfect" daughter? What do I do? How do I handle a mouthy child? I told her to just go to her room and she tells me I don't have to listen to you! Help!!!!


My feelings are so confused with hurt and anger toward both her and my husband.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:35 PM on Jan. 20, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (14)
  • Has she been able to talk to a grief counselor to help her deal with the death of her mother? A lot of it could be misplaced anger that you are alive and being a mom to her when her own mom died. She may not know how to handle the grief. You could always ignore the attitude and not respond until she talks nicely. Talk to her and find out what is going on with her. Ask her why she is saying such hurtful things. Tell her that you can never replace her mom but you want to be someone that she can count on and help her become an adult. Tell her that you love her. Ask her if she wants to talk about her mom. She is so young to have lost her mom, I am sure a lot of it is because she is missing her and doesn't know how to handle the emotions.
    tyfry7496

    Answer by tyfry7496 at 4:40 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • I think it is probably a bit of both, I think some family counseling is in order,,,she feels resentment towards you, and her own mother is dead, you didn't mention if your son saw his father, if so I am sure it is hard for her to deal with, Do you love her> I know it sounds weird to ask, but 4 years is a long time to be someones "mother figure" and not have a bond with them, don't make your husband "take sides" with you, just go to counseling and explore why this is going on, it will only get worse, good luck momma!
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 4:41 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • well, maybe your husband sees something in your son that you don't, meaning in the way he speaks to him? and it could be that you overlook that, but on that subject I would be more watchful to see if it is true. And tell your husband to point it out to you when your son acts in that manner. As for your step daughter, your husband will have to put some ground rules down with her, she knows he will let her get away with it, and that makes it worse. I can understand your being hurt and frustrated by both of them, and by no means am I saying it is ok, for her to behave that way. but I can understand that maybe she may feel as if she doesn't belong, or just misses her mom. Either way, in the end, the only way it will get better is if your husband steps up to the plate. maybe try sitting down with him after the kids are in bed, have a list made of what you want to talk about, and give him the chance to make one as well
    december911

    Answer by december911 at 4:44 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • and I do agree with the above post, counseling will help her, and all of you, especially with the co parenting
    december911

    Answer by december911 at 4:45 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • FAMILY counseling!
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 4:47 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Some of it, yes is just her acting out and some of it really is trying to get special treatment. I lost my mom when I was 7, and had a new step mom a moth later when I went to live with my dad who I had no memory of at all. You need to talk with her, one on one. Pull out some pictures of her and her mom and put them in a special book for her. Then pull a few out of you and her and put them in another book. Talk to her and tell her its okay to miss her mom, but she would want her to treat EVERYONE with respect. Also, teaching the story of how people are not born with only a cup of love to give and that is it, but how we have a great thing in our hearts that allows us to create more love when we run out would be a good idea. I know it will take time for the mom thing to resolve, heck, I started calling my step mom "mom" when I was 8, and stopped when she pissed me off when I was 14, started up again when i was 20 lol
    LadyMorrgian

    Answer by LadyMorrgian at 4:47 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • We have done counseling as a family. My son does not see his bio father. I do love my step daughter. And we used to have a great bond but for some reason the last 4 months has been hell. She back talks to her dad too but don't say the hurtful things to him. We are very open about her mom (other than how she died) she has pictures of her and her mom, we go to her grave, she sees her maternal grandmother every weekend, we have had her maternal family here for christmas. I am just so lost and don't know what to do.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:47 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • You teach people how to treat you... So if you continue to let her get away with acting like this then you deserve the consequences. She's acting out because she wants you to act like her Mother. She's not doing it because she hates you, quite the contrary actually. Give her chores until she drops everytime she disrespects you. You don't have to slap her to get through to her. You are her Mother in every sense of the word since her Mother is deceased. You took on the job, now you have to carry it through. Don't leave it on your Husband, and be a parent to her as much as you are to your son. They should be treated as equals.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 4:48 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • Well maybe you guys need to go back, being a step-mom isn't easy, put perhaps there is something going on somewhere else, my 6 year old has become quite vocal with me, saying I don't have to listen etc,,,,but usually says he is sorry,, idk, but it is odd for this to come up,,,,I think sending to her room is fine, but you still need to get to the bottom of it,, good luck and hugS1
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 4:52 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

  • She was 2 when her mom passed away, Chores wont work she will just sit in one place mouthy off and pouting until she falls asleep because she knows i can't/wont do nothing to her but yell or send her to her room. And in all honesty she and I have more "bonding time' than either of my other two children do. It seems like i have tried everything with her. I don't know what else to do anymore other than to let her dad take care of it becuase she wont listen to me if im mean nice bribe her make it something fun do it together. It doesn't matter how i treat her she treats me like crap.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:54 PM on Jan. 20, 2011

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