I know it's just the hormones, but there are times when I can't get the dark thoughts out of my head, they just circle and circle like vultures waiting for me to stop fighting so they can peck my dead eyes out. I'm on bed rest, so there isn't much I can do to distract myself from these feelings other than tons of television. I've tried reading, I usually enjoy reading but right now I tend to get too wrapped up in whatever I'm reading and won't sleep. I do sleep a lot, I think I'm doing it to escape, to get a break from feeling completely worthless all the time.
I was about to start a career that I had worked very hard to be qualified for, I had literally just graduated when I found out I was pregnant and labeled "high-risk" and told that I couldn't work. My self-esteem was crushed, I'd hung everything on this career, it made me feel good, important, needed, intelligent and special. Right now, I feel insane, I have obsessive thoughts that I can't seem to chase away, I have bad nightmares with horrible images that stay with me all day, I hear snatches of songs in my head that repeat and repeat until I want to cry. I have an ongoing internal monologue that can be frightening at times. I find myself thinking that because I couldn't start working right away, that when I do get to start, people won't want to hire me because I had to take all this time off so they may assume that I've lost some of my skills. I've withdrawn from friends and family because I don't want people to see me this way, I don't want them to see the pathetic shell of the person I used to be. I find myself thinking about dying because I'm getting to the point where I'm more afraid of being disappointed in myself and disappointing my family than I am of leaving them. I know it's crazy, I know it's temporary and nobody can predict the future. But it's hard right now. I was wondering if anyone could relate to this? I'm not alone, am I?
Answer by tayshu4 at 10:14 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by pookipoo at 10:14 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by DomoniqueWS at 10:20 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by tyfry7496 at 10:20 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by pookipoo at 10:39 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by tayshu4 at 10:51 PM on Jan. 21, 2011
Answer by Candie2008 at 11:12 PM on Jan. 21, 2011