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Divorce or not?

here i find myself seeking online help, something completely out the norm. I love my husband, we have been married for about 5 years now and we have a daughter that is 2 1/2. I have issues that were never really resolved before we got married like the fact that he used to cheat on me, since being married i dont think that he has cheated but he has also not been givin the oppertunity until recently. (he is in the military just recently deployed). He has never really stood up for me when it really counted like when his mom ignores what i say when it comes to OUR daughter; that's just one example there are so many more. I have been begging him to go to marriage counseling for years, he always says no that he is happy. well... IM NOT! I havent been for years yet he doesnt seem to care. I have done everything for this man and i feel like if we did not have a child together i would have left years ago.
I recently found a very recent picture that was taken of him feeding another woman his food while at work. This truly tore me up yet at the same time I felt like I should have known better and I should have expected this kind of act from him. Needless to say trust is an issue now if it wasnt before. He said it was just a picture and nothing ever happened but how do i know? I guess I never truly can.
Now, my vows mean everything to me... at least they did and I am ALWAYS against leaving a person while they are deployed. I just feel like I should be missing him and I dont. I feel like his unwillingness to work on us for so long has truly taken its toll on me.
he says he will do anything to make me happy(now that I told him im not sure where we will be when he returns) but how do i know he is serious when he is so far away and cant actually do what i want now (counseling) how do I know that when he gets back he will still do anything? I guess i sit and wait? I just don't know what to do. I feel like it is already over, I feel like i'm just afraid my daughter wont know her dad if we divorce and I think i am just scared that since I have been a stay at home mom for so long that he will take my daughter from me because I cannot support her finacially. That would crush my world. She is EVERYTHING to me. Now I have recently done something so out of character for me and I dont feel bad about it.( I am sure you can figure out what it was that i did.) isnt that a sign that it is over? I mean i feel bad that it happened with him deployed but i am pretty sure it would have happened even if he wasnt. thas was truly a one time thing and its not like I have moved on to be emotionally involved with anyone. that is not even something i want or need right now.
I realize I may get some harsh responses here after stating he is military and what I did, but I am hoping for help. i am so lost and confused. I dont know if divorce is right or if i should wait and see if he is serious about counseling and we try that first. I just kind of feel like its too late.
so online forum users, What is your advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:37 AM on Jan. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • You need to get a divorce. You are looking for other options outside of your marriage. You should just walk away. As for your child find a job and show that you can support her. I doubt you would lose custody of her. You will probably have to share custody with him. Ask yourself this do you honestly think that you can make amends with your marriage? Your vows have been broke. Can your marriage be fixed? Well that is all up to you and our husbands. He needs to know the truth. Don't let years pass between the two of you that will cause you to resentment him even more. Ultimately you have to be the one that makes the decision for your own self. Best of luck.

    sheer_heart

    Answer by sheer_heart at 12:48 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • Like you said, this is an on-line public forum. We dont know you or him, its so hard to make a call like that hon. I hope you can find some kind of peace within all of this whatever you decide. You need to search your own heart for the answers here. From an outsiders point of view and what you gave us, it doesnt sound good. But, if you want to give it another try and he wants to really make it work, then maybe counseling would be the answer for you both, at least if counseling didnt work you would know for sure. good luck
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 12:54 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • From one military wife to another, you were so wrong. You are mad at him, and haven't forgiven him for him cheating, and you cheated. With him deployed. Wrong, wrong, wrong. However, him feeding a chic food? Umm, no dice honey. Not appropriate, 'nothing happened' doesn't work. I wouldn't trust that. Not with his past history, not with what I know of a lot of females in the military.
    He can't just take your daughter from you, so don't worry about that.
    He will tell you what he has to while he is deployed. Right now, he probably does feel he will do whatever will make you happy. When he gets home, he will do that, for a while. But it won't last. Unless he does a complete 180 while deployed, which I doubt, he won't do as you ask. And, if he doesn't already know, when he finds out (and he will) that you cheated, it WILL be over. I doubt he will stay with you, as you did him. You better be careful when he gets home.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 12:56 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • I think you already know the answer but maybe not yet ready to admit it. I don't think it you should get harsh responses just because he is in the military! He is just a man and he proved that by stepping put side your relationship. It of course was wrong for you to return the favor. Don't let the child be a reason you stay. You deserve to be happy and so does that baby. You would be surprised how much your negative relationship with your husband could affect your child. GL!!!!!!!!
    harris4

    Answer by harris4 at 1:05 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • * stepping outside your relationship
    harris4

    Answer by harris4 at 1:06 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • If your husband did find out u cheated, it could be the shock that might wake him up and realize what happened and he will know what u had felt like that for a long time. If it don't then u will have your answer.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 3:15 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • I honestly believe that you guys should talk to one another, but sounds like you are ready to move forward with your life and don't want want to hurt anymore. Everyone deserves to be happy and sometimes when we are not, we can find ourselves desperate enough to do things normally out of character. Ask yourself the hard questions, think about those answers and make a decision from that whatever they may be-best advice is to listen to your heart while taking in reason
    heartsicksiren

    Answer by heartsicksiren at 3:27 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • It doesn't sound like there is much of a relationship to salvage; you said it yourself - you probably wouldn't be with him if not for your DD. Find a job, get yourself prepared for divorcing him once he returns. Staying with someone because you have a child together is a great way to have a miserable life, and you, he, and your DD deserve better. It would be a really good idea to stop the cheating, get yourself together before you drag someone else into things.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:15 AM on Jan. 23, 2011

  • OMG.... it's like I just read an account of my life, except I have 3 children. Get a divorce. NOW! Run for the hills. Just make sure you ask for what you need. Go online and look up the paperwork for a divorce in your state, pick it up from the courthouse, fill it out, file it and pay the fee. You & your daughter derserve better. Good Luck.
    sarchasmicangel

    Answer by sarchasmicangel at 1:48 PM on Jan. 23, 2011

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