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3 Bumps

Need some advice...

O.K. my stepfather was a horrible man. He ruined us in every way and emotionally damaged us in other ways. We still aren't over it (my sister, mom and I) it's been 8 years. I know that's not healthy, but I thought i was getting over it more than I am, but his son tried to contact me on facebook. I know he didn't do those things, but he is part of a life chapter I closed and didn't want to go back to. I feel like if i contact him, my ex stepfather will have access to parts of my life he has no right to. That he will always be lurking in the shadows. My mother friended the son. She said he is our brother (not biologically) and we should accept him, and i don't want him to think i hate him, (just his father). But that's not a place or memories i want to return to. Let me know what you think i should do, or any advice you could give. I am emotionally worn out from it and i don't know what to do.

Answer Question
 
Ms.Wendy83

Asked by Ms.Wendy83 at 12:05 AM on Jan. 24, 2011 in Relationships

Level 9 (345 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. The problem with facebook is that they provide access to our lives to people we may not want that access. You have a limited amount of power to avoid that, so use it. You don't even need to provide an explanation as to why.

    However, remember that if your stepfather really was that awful man-- he was probably just as awful to his son. He may be reaching out to you to connect and heal together. Is it possible?

    If so, perhaps reconnecting with him will be helpful to you. However, only you know that answer.
    Busimommi

    Answer by Busimommi at 12:12 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • Family relationships are so hard. Do you know if your stepbrother still is in close contact with his father? If he has written him off your privacy mat not be an issue. The best option you have is to be true to our own feelings. You can be honest and tell him that when you were all together it was a very destructive time in your life and you have done your best to heal. Yet, wounds remain and you are not prepared to reopen them at this time. Wish him all the best and to please respect your decision.
    When there is dis functionality in the home it can have great impact on your life well into adulthood. I posted a journal entry about.
    Remember, you can not make a better past, you can make a better future.
    Be well,
    Melody
    Ecopartners@wildblue.net
    Betterchoice

    Answer by Betterchoice at 12:20 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • I know you stated he did nothing wrong but it was his father who did. If the son remind you of the horrible things in your past there is no reason to add him as a friend on fb. Lock that door throw away the key until you are ready to unlock it. Only you can decide if you want to open that door and when again. I suggest you don't add him as a friend.
    sweetpea1217

    Answer by sweetpea1217 at 12:20 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • THE FATHER DID THE WRONG NOT HIM. HE MAY NEED U TOO
    inlovewith4

    Answer by inlovewith4 at 12:43 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • You have reason for feeling the way you do. Your mother should realize that. But if you don't want to go back to that part of your life, you can do whatever you want to do. I would also remind your mother that you don't want any of your information to get out and not to talk about your life to him.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:46 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • You definitely have some issues that are making you ill (emotionally worn out). You need to deal with this situation, and then you can put it behind you. I also had the same sort of situation, only it was my REAL Dad, not my step-dad, who was horrible! You said of your stepbrother, "i don't want him to think i hate him, (just his father). But that's not a place or memories i want to return to."  I am emotionally worn out from it and i don't know what to do.


    You must sincerely inform your stepbrother EXACTLY how you feel, that you do NOT want to have any sort of relationship, etc. Take a deep breathe and just email him. Extend you regrets, and apologize. Then block his name, etc. from your FB acct. No biggie. But it will be done and over with; you should inform your mother that you have done so, and ask her to please refrain from mentioning anything about you/your life to him.  Done deal.

    lakotakat

    Answer by lakotakat at 4:14 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • if it makes you uncomfortable then dont do it. your grown now so you get to decide who to let into your life or not.
    lillie70

    Answer by lillie70 at 8:54 AM on Jan. 24, 2011

  • Please dont feel that you need to do something. But if you really want to maybe you could send a letter with no return address, tell him what you want to say and let him know that you just dont feel safe being in contact with him. It is your own choice in life to contact who you want and you have the right to feel safe and to heal the way that you want to
    21lisa72

    Answer by 21lisa72 at 7:55 PM on Jan. 24, 2011

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